Drake and Josh Fic--Life Without Josh
Title: Life without Josh
Author:bjfangirl87
Series: Drake and Josh
Pairing: Drake/Josh
Rating: T
Summary: Drake's thoughts during his time without Josh
Timeline: Set during 'Josh is Done'
Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh. If I did, it would've been far slashier. But Dan Schneider did well. I'm glad he owns it.
A/N: It's been a super-long time since I wrote any D&J. But I started watching the show again recently, and I remembered why I love this fandom and the boys. I'm out of practice with my writing, but I hope you enjoy my little ficlet.
Drake can't even really remember what life was like before Josh. The boy moved in to his room when they were fourteen, but Josh had been part of his life since that incident with the foam finger all those years ago. So, it wasn't official until four years ago, and it wasn't really official until a few months ago (because having sex with your step-brother kind of makes things even more official), but Drake's life has always revolved around Josh.
Especially lately. In the past week that Drake hasn't had Josh to talk to, or sing to, or play video games with, he's had time to think. He thinks about what brought him to this really empty place, and he thinks about how everything seems far more gray than he's used to. Apparently, when Josh came along, he brought a technicolor screen along with him. And now that he's separated himself from Drake, all the color is gone.
Drake tries desperately for the first few days not to think about why he's so upset. He's used to Josh being mad at him. Hell, Josh gets mad at him at least once a week. They fight. It's what brothers/friends-with-benefits do.
Josh gets mad at him for kissing girls. Which, now that Drake thinks about it, is sort of fair. Because really, he doesn't like it when girls kiss Josh, either. And the girls don't really mean anything. He doesn't even really think about it. It's just like playing his guitar: it's automatic. But, if that's part of why Josh is so upset, Drake supposes that he could cool it a bit. Wait until Josh is not around or something.
Drake also thinks that maybe he should stop taking Josh for granted so much. The dark-haired boy does a lot of things for him. In fact, there seems to be no limit. Be it a call at 3 AM to get him from a party because he's drunk, or helping him learn entire subjects in a weekend, Josh has always been there for him. And Drake can't really think of what he's really given Josh in return. Except for headaches and trouble. And that should probably change.
He means to tell Josh all of this stuff. Oh, and to tell Josh that he's in love with him. Because that's something else Drake figured out this week. That's why this hurts so much. It's why none of the various girls ever work out. Because they aren't smart or funny, and they definitely wouldn't risk jailtime to get him out of stupid situations that he gets himself into far too often. None of them are Josh.
And Drake knows now that he doesn't just want occasional mutual handjobs before bed. He doesn't want to date a billion girls, just to be let down a billion times, because they don't have the right eyes. And he definitely doesn't want to live in the hell that his life has become since Josh decided he was done. Drake would just have to fix it, on his own for once.
He wishes that he hadn't overslept this morning. Now he'll be late for chemistry, and he really needs to make things right with Josh. He wants to tell Josh how he feels, but he doesn't want to do it in the middle of chemistry class.
When Drake gets to school, he makes it with three seconds to spare. He silently thanks whatever deity exists that he can still run that fast, even though he does almost nothing all day. Then he makes his way to his seat next to Josh, only to realize that he's been replaced. That really shouldn't hurt him as much as it does. That's the moment Drake knows that he is truly losing Josh. If he fucks up again today, there is no going back to how it used to be. Josh isn't just pouting. He's really done. He's ready to walk away. So Drake plans to take the rest of the class period to think up a plan.
Except that there's no time to plan, because his partner doesn't speak English (or at least, it doesn't sound like it to Drake), and chemistry is already a different language as it is. So he does his best to mix things together, and it explodes all over his hands. Drake gets pushed into a shower, and his clothes get all soaked and everything is just so fucked, and he can't deal with this, if that's how the rest of his life is going to be. Wet and horrible and gray and Josh-less. So Drake just breaks down. It's not like he has anything left to lose.
"I'm sorry," he shouts from the front of the classroom, drops of water falling from his hair and into his eyes as he looks at Josh. The other boy begins to speak, but Drake stops him. He needs to get everything out now, or he'll explode.
"Let me finish, okay?" he continues. "I was wrong, okay? I was so wrong."
"What do you mean?" Josh asks, and Drake thinks for a second that he's wrong about so many things, that if Josh can't even think of one, than maybe he's not so smart after all.
"I need you more than you need me," Drake admits. "I need you WAY more than you need me."
He apologizes for everything he did, and he knows that it won't make up for all the horrible things he's done, and the way he's treated Josh, but hopefully it's a start. And then, he tries to get up the courage to tell Josh what he's figured out, what he feels for him. "You're probably way better off without me, but I just...I just need for you to understand...I..."
He chokes on the words. He just can't utter them right now. Not here. Not with how things are between them. It should be perfect, everything should be perfect when he finally tells Josh he's in love with him. Josh deserves perfect, and this is so far from perfect that it hurts. Drake nearly cries at the unfairness of everything. He swallows back the lump in his thoat. "I'm sorry," he says, in a small voice, and walks out the door, unable to deal with anything at the moment.
When he gets back home, after walking two miles in soaking clothes and a tear-streaked face, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wishes that he could just talk to Josh, but nothing can ever make it right. He tried and he failed, and he's just too tired to try again. He lies on the ping pong table, bouncing the little balls, and ignoring everything else, trying to erase the pain in his heart.
It doesn't work at all, and he nearly starts crying again. He doesn't even notice when Josh enters the room, until the older boy's voice brings him out of his head.
"Hey," Josh says.
Drake looks up into dark brown eyes, but doesn't say a word. He doesn't trust himself to speak.
"You okay?" Josh asks. "You seemed off in class, today."
"Did I?" Drake replies sarcastically. "Because really, life has been a fucking picnic all week." He sits up and Josh stares at him for a moment. The tension makes Drake nervous.
"Look, I..."Josh rubs the back of his neck, and Drake wishes it was his own hands caressing the soft skin. "You said, something in class. That you wanted to make me understand something. What was it?"
Drake bites his lip. He wants to shout at Josh, to yell at him for not seeing it. How can Josh get such good grades and be so smart, when he can't see how Drake feels about him? Drake isn't smart, but even he figured it out all on his own. "It doesn't matter," he says, finally.
"Obviously it does," Josh retorts. He puts a hand on Drake's shoulder. Drake nearly melts at the contact. That small touch breaks his resolve, and he confesses everything.
"I'm in love with you, okay? I need you, and I know I'm not good enough for you. I'm not smart, and I'm lazy, and I take advantage of you and I make out with girls in front of you. And I'm sorry, Josh. I'm sorry it took you being done to figure out what I feel. I'm sorry I've been a horrible friend, and I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck up, and I'm sorry that I didn't know I was in love with you when you wanted a relationship."
Drake sighs and puts is head in his hands. He can't bear to look at Josh. Not after everything. He isn't sure how he's going to make it through the rest of this year, much less the rest of his life. But then Josh brushes Drake's cheek with his palm.
"Hey," the dark-haired boy says softly, "Drake, look at me."
Drake doesn't want to, but he looks up anyway. He sees Josh's face, a small smile gracing those perfect lips. And from those lips comes the most beautiful words Drake thinks he could ever hear. "I love you, too."
"Really?" Drake asks.
Josh nods. "What you told me just now, that was all I'd been wanting to hear all along."
Drake takes a deep breath, and tries not to get his hopes up. "So...we're okay?"
"Did you mean what you said?" Josh asks. "You really want to be with me? Like, date me and all that?"
Drake nods his head. "And I won't make out with girls anymore. I know it hurts you."
"Thank you," Josh replies. "And yeah, we're okay."
"So you still love me?" Drake asks.
Josh moves his face in, next to Drake's. Their lips draw together like opposite ends of the magnets Josh likes so much. The kiss is so soft and loving and warm. Drake can honestly say that no one has ever kissed him like this. Not even Josh has before. And Drake can't see going through the rest of his life without getting kisses like this. It just can't happen.
Josh pulls back and looks into Drake's eyes. "I've always loved you. And I always will."
Drake smiles and pushes his lips against Josh's again. Even though his eyes are closed, Drake knows the color is back. Everything is better again. Josh still loves him. And this time, he'll do better. He'll make sure that he's never have to know what life would be like without his Josh.
Author:bjfangirl87
Series: Drake and Josh
Pairing: Drake/Josh
Rating: T
Summary: Drake's thoughts during his time without Josh
Timeline: Set during 'Josh is Done'
Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh. If I did, it would've been far slashier. But Dan Schneider did well. I'm glad he owns it.
A/N: It's been a super-long time since I wrote any D&J. But I started watching the show again recently, and I remembered why I love this fandom and the boys. I'm out of practice with my writing, but I hope you enjoy my little ficlet.
Drake can't even really remember what life was like before Josh. The boy moved in to his room when they were fourteen, but Josh had been part of his life since that incident with the foam finger all those years ago. So, it wasn't official until four years ago, and it wasn't really official until a few months ago (because having sex with your step-brother kind of makes things even more official), but Drake's life has always revolved around Josh.
Especially lately. In the past week that Drake hasn't had Josh to talk to, or sing to, or play video games with, he's had time to think. He thinks about what brought him to this really empty place, and he thinks about how everything seems far more gray than he's used to. Apparently, when Josh came along, he brought a technicolor screen along with him. And now that he's separated himself from Drake, all the color is gone.
Drake tries desperately for the first few days not to think about why he's so upset. He's used to Josh being mad at him. Hell, Josh gets mad at him at least once a week. They fight. It's what brothers/friends-with-benefits do.
Josh gets mad at him for kissing girls. Which, now that Drake thinks about it, is sort of fair. Because really, he doesn't like it when girls kiss Josh, either. And the girls don't really mean anything. He doesn't even really think about it. It's just like playing his guitar: it's automatic. But, if that's part of why Josh is so upset, Drake supposes that he could cool it a bit. Wait until Josh is not around or something.
Drake also thinks that maybe he should stop taking Josh for granted so much. The dark-haired boy does a lot of things for him. In fact, there seems to be no limit. Be it a call at 3 AM to get him from a party because he's drunk, or helping him learn entire subjects in a weekend, Josh has always been there for him. And Drake can't really think of what he's really given Josh in return. Except for headaches and trouble. And that should probably change.
He means to tell Josh all of this stuff. Oh, and to tell Josh that he's in love with him. Because that's something else Drake figured out this week. That's why this hurts so much. It's why none of the various girls ever work out. Because they aren't smart or funny, and they definitely wouldn't risk jailtime to get him out of stupid situations that he gets himself into far too often. None of them are Josh.
And Drake knows now that he doesn't just want occasional mutual handjobs before bed. He doesn't want to date a billion girls, just to be let down a billion times, because they don't have the right eyes. And he definitely doesn't want to live in the hell that his life has become since Josh decided he was done. Drake would just have to fix it, on his own for once.
He wishes that he hadn't overslept this morning. Now he'll be late for chemistry, and he really needs to make things right with Josh. He wants to tell Josh how he feels, but he doesn't want to do it in the middle of chemistry class.
When Drake gets to school, he makes it with three seconds to spare. He silently thanks whatever deity exists that he can still run that fast, even though he does almost nothing all day. Then he makes his way to his seat next to Josh, only to realize that he's been replaced. That really shouldn't hurt him as much as it does. That's the moment Drake knows that he is truly losing Josh. If he fucks up again today, there is no going back to how it used to be. Josh isn't just pouting. He's really done. He's ready to walk away. So Drake plans to take the rest of the class period to think up a plan.
Except that there's no time to plan, because his partner doesn't speak English (or at least, it doesn't sound like it to Drake), and chemistry is already a different language as it is. So he does his best to mix things together, and it explodes all over his hands. Drake gets pushed into a shower, and his clothes get all soaked and everything is just so fucked, and he can't deal with this, if that's how the rest of his life is going to be. Wet and horrible and gray and Josh-less. So Drake just breaks down. It's not like he has anything left to lose.
"I'm sorry," he shouts from the front of the classroom, drops of water falling from his hair and into his eyes as he looks at Josh. The other boy begins to speak, but Drake stops him. He needs to get everything out now, or he'll explode.
"Let me finish, okay?" he continues. "I was wrong, okay? I was so wrong."
"What do you mean?" Josh asks, and Drake thinks for a second that he's wrong about so many things, that if Josh can't even think of one, than maybe he's not so smart after all.
"I need you more than you need me," Drake admits. "I need you WAY more than you need me."
He apologizes for everything he did, and he knows that it won't make up for all the horrible things he's done, and the way he's treated Josh, but hopefully it's a start. And then, he tries to get up the courage to tell Josh what he's figured out, what he feels for him. "You're probably way better off without me, but I just...I just need for you to understand...I..."
He chokes on the words. He just can't utter them right now. Not here. Not with how things are between them. It should be perfect, everything should be perfect when he finally tells Josh he's in love with him. Josh deserves perfect, and this is so far from perfect that it hurts. Drake nearly cries at the unfairness of everything. He swallows back the lump in his thoat. "I'm sorry," he says, in a small voice, and walks out the door, unable to deal with anything at the moment.
When he gets back home, after walking two miles in soaking clothes and a tear-streaked face, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wishes that he could just talk to Josh, but nothing can ever make it right. He tried and he failed, and he's just too tired to try again. He lies on the ping pong table, bouncing the little balls, and ignoring everything else, trying to erase the pain in his heart.
It doesn't work at all, and he nearly starts crying again. He doesn't even notice when Josh enters the room, until the older boy's voice brings him out of his head.
"Hey," Josh says.
Drake looks up into dark brown eyes, but doesn't say a word. He doesn't trust himself to speak.
"You okay?" Josh asks. "You seemed off in class, today."
"Did I?" Drake replies sarcastically. "Because really, life has been a fucking picnic all week." He sits up and Josh stares at him for a moment. The tension makes Drake nervous.
"Look, I..."Josh rubs the back of his neck, and Drake wishes it was his own hands caressing the soft skin. "You said, something in class. That you wanted to make me understand something. What was it?"
Drake bites his lip. He wants to shout at Josh, to yell at him for not seeing it. How can Josh get such good grades and be so smart, when he can't see how Drake feels about him? Drake isn't smart, but even he figured it out all on his own. "It doesn't matter," he says, finally.
"Obviously it does," Josh retorts. He puts a hand on Drake's shoulder. Drake nearly melts at the contact. That small touch breaks his resolve, and he confesses everything.
"I'm in love with you, okay? I need you, and I know I'm not good enough for you. I'm not smart, and I'm lazy, and I take advantage of you and I make out with girls in front of you. And I'm sorry, Josh. I'm sorry it took you being done to figure out what I feel. I'm sorry I've been a horrible friend, and I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck up, and I'm sorry that I didn't know I was in love with you when you wanted a relationship."
Drake sighs and puts is head in his hands. He can't bear to look at Josh. Not after everything. He isn't sure how he's going to make it through the rest of this year, much less the rest of his life. But then Josh brushes Drake's cheek with his palm.
"Hey," the dark-haired boy says softly, "Drake, look at me."
Drake doesn't want to, but he looks up anyway. He sees Josh's face, a small smile gracing those perfect lips. And from those lips comes the most beautiful words Drake thinks he could ever hear. "I love you, too."
"Really?" Drake asks.
Josh nods. "What you told me just now, that was all I'd been wanting to hear all along."
Drake takes a deep breath, and tries not to get his hopes up. "So...we're okay?"
"Did you mean what you said?" Josh asks. "You really want to be with me? Like, date me and all that?"
Drake nods his head. "And I won't make out with girls anymore. I know it hurts you."
"Thank you," Josh replies. "And yeah, we're okay."
"So you still love me?" Drake asks.
Josh moves his face in, next to Drake's. Their lips draw together like opposite ends of the magnets Josh likes so much. The kiss is so soft and loving and warm. Drake can honestly say that no one has ever kissed him like this. Not even Josh has before. And Drake can't see going through the rest of his life without getting kisses like this. It just can't happen.
Josh pulls back and looks into Drake's eyes. "I've always loved you. And I always will."
Drake smiles and pushes his lips against Josh's again. Even though his eyes are closed, Drake knows the color is back. Everything is better again. Josh still loves him. And this time, he'll do better. He'll make sure that he's never have to know what life would be like without his Josh.