What Do You Want Anyway?
If you've ever taken a theater class, one of the first things you learn about acting is that everyone wants something. Not "something" as in a object, or at least not necessarily, but something as in a goal; physical, emotional, etc. It might be something as objective as to go eat at mcdonald's, or as abstract as love.
Everything we do, say, or don't do/say is in direct support or defiance of our wants. This display is most noticeable in social settings, how we interact with our friends, and how we interact with others around us. If you want that guy over there to buy you a drink, what you do and say is going to be directly related to achieving that goal. How you cheesily smile, bat your eyes, and continually glace down at his drink all come into play in getting what you want. Sometimes these more subtle actions work, if you flat out asked a stranger to buy you a drink without any conversation or flirtation, they'd probably say no, but in a lot of situations, directly stating what you want is more effective.
I think we teach ourselves to be bad communicators. We shy away from declarative statements, we never come flat out and say "I want to [do this]," "I want you to [do that]," eventhough statements like these are how we truly feel, and are much easier for everyone else to understand.
Sometimes we don't say what we really want because we don't want to "rock the boat."
If I'm out at a party with friends, and I don't like the atmosphere, and would like to leave, I could say:
"I don't like the party, let's go."
"I'm ready to go, would you like to go somewhere else?"
"I don't like the party, [explanation], I'm going to leave, you can come with me if you like."
I'm expressing how I feel, and whether the situation ends in my favor, my directness with result in the quickest resolution.
...but if I say
"do you like the party?" [hoping they say no]
"We can stay as long as you like." [hoping they say "I'm ready to go"]
"I'm tired." [I'm really not, but hoping they say "well, we can leave"]
I'm not only saying things that aren't true, but possibly also confusing everyone around me into thinking I don't really want to leave when I really do. All too often I have these conversations with people. I can almost always read between the lines to what people are really saying, but I sometimes choose not to give into their demands when I don't share their same feelings. I can play dumb just as long as they can play passive aggressive. If they would only come out and say what's really on their minds, they could spend more of their time and energy into doing what they really want.
Sometimes we don't say what we really want because losing your cool just isn't cool.
Since when did expressing yourself become a bad thing? We live in a world where some people will not hesitate to walk all over you without assertive and direct behavior. I will soon be entering the design world, filled with people who all have their own personal ideas and tastes. When you are passionate about something, you fight for what you think is right. When you don't care, that's when it's best not to say anything, but DO NOT look down on, or rolls your eyes at those passionate few who do not, in fact, take all matters as lightly as you, and are not afraid stand up for what they believe in.
For example: There is a guy in a design firm who designed and built a prototype piece of furniture for his design group's commission. The group generally didn't like the design, but instead opted to say, "the chair's too tall," and "the chair's too unstable," rather than "the chair's too crazy/silly/ugly looking," which was basically the bottom line. The height and stability of the chair could be easily fixed if we all wanted to pursue the chair idea. He responded by saying, "okay, I understand," "this was just for fun," "it's no big deal," but wouldn't stop talking about the damn chair, and was clearly defensive and upset. When someone asked him if he was upset that they didn't like the idea, he kept saying it didn't bother him.
you have two options...STOP TALKING ABOUT IT THEN, thereby conveying that you don't in fact care.
or
COME ON OUT AND EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL, which I think is way healthier for you and the group. Say, "I worked hard on this design, and I think designing our own furniture is a great idea. If you all don't like it, help me work on this so it can be better." When we don't properly express how we feel, we miss out on opportunities, and so do those around us. While someone else really needed to take control of the project, I personally felt designing chairs would have been a fine addition, but since he was beating around the bush, the idea got scrapped along with his chance to make a real ambitious contribution to the project, and our opportunity as a group to add that much more of our personal touch. By the group not telling him that his design was bad, he doesn't reevaluate his work, and improve as a designer; and by him not expressing his frustration to the group, it will insure that they will not be more sensitive to his involvement in the future.
Passive aggressiveness is plaguing our country, and spawning the likenesses of bullies, high school sharpshooting assassins, and "mean girl" syndrome. It's completely polarized our country into those who would go to war with any country for any reason [hyper aggressive], and those who would like to strip you of every liberty/freedom/choice you have today in the name of "censorship."
Now, sometimes it is important to go with the flow, and I acknowledge that as well. It's generally best to go with the flow when you don't care about the outcome, or when you trust those making the decision for you. It's also best to go with the flow when you've fought and FOUGHT AND FOUGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT, AND YOU STILL AREN'T GETTING YOUR WAY, AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTHING YOU DO IS GOING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION, SO YOU EITHER QUIT OR SHUT UP AND RIDE THIS SINKING SHIP TO THE END.
That being said...
Going with the flow gets you and what you want nowhere.
Successful people, happy people got that way because they figured out what they wanted and figured out a way to get it. That being said, I'm not supporting doing "whatever it takes" at the expense of other people's feelings, although that might be the case sometimes. You can be a good (nice) person, and still assert yourself to achieve what you want. Furthermore, people who have difficulty expressing how they feel are often less respected than those that do. If I never learn to consider your feelings, because you claim to never have strong ones, I'm less likely to ask for your approval/permission/acceptance when there is a situation about which you do care. People pretend to be "easy-going," some people say they are, and never act the part, and then there definitely are those folks who live up to that standard more than others; but the fact of the matter is that we are all individuals with individual needs and wants, and we shouldn't shy around how we feel and what we want. Assertiveness is not bitchiness. Declarative sentences are your friends. Talking around what you want not only drives people like me crazy, but you'll feel a whole lot better not having to constantly mince your words, qualify your statements, and generally come across "wishy-washy," "flighty," and "unreliable." Let's use our big boy's and girl's voices, and stop wasting our time trying to figure out how to get what I want without saying what I want. You'd be surprised how often people, you think care, really don't, and would be more than happy to do what you want to do if you'd just fuckin' come out and say it already.
Everything we do, say, or don't do/say is in direct support or defiance of our wants. This display is most noticeable in social settings, how we interact with our friends, and how we interact with others around us. If you want that guy over there to buy you a drink, what you do and say is going to be directly related to achieving that goal. How you cheesily smile, bat your eyes, and continually glace down at his drink all come into play in getting what you want. Sometimes these more subtle actions work, if you flat out asked a stranger to buy you a drink without any conversation or flirtation, they'd probably say no, but in a lot of situations, directly stating what you want is more effective.
I think we teach ourselves to be bad communicators. We shy away from declarative statements, we never come flat out and say "I want to [do this]," "I want you to [do that]," eventhough statements like these are how we truly feel, and are much easier for everyone else to understand.
Sometimes we don't say what we really want because we don't want to "rock the boat."
If I'm out at a party with friends, and I don't like the atmosphere, and would like to leave, I could say:
"I don't like the party, let's go."
"I'm ready to go, would you like to go somewhere else?"
"I don't like the party, [explanation], I'm going to leave, you can come with me if you like."
I'm expressing how I feel, and whether the situation ends in my favor, my directness with result in the quickest resolution.
...but if I say
"do you like the party?" [hoping they say no]
"We can stay as long as you like." [hoping they say "I'm ready to go"]
"I'm tired." [I'm really not, but hoping they say "well, we can leave"]
I'm not only saying things that aren't true, but possibly also confusing everyone around me into thinking I don't really want to leave when I really do. All too often I have these conversations with people. I can almost always read between the lines to what people are really saying, but I sometimes choose not to give into their demands when I don't share their same feelings. I can play dumb just as long as they can play passive aggressive. If they would only come out and say what's really on their minds, they could spend more of their time and energy into doing what they really want.
Sometimes we don't say what we really want because losing your cool just isn't cool.
Since when did expressing yourself become a bad thing? We live in a world where some people will not hesitate to walk all over you without assertive and direct behavior. I will soon be entering the design world, filled with people who all have their own personal ideas and tastes. When you are passionate about something, you fight for what you think is right. When you don't care, that's when it's best not to say anything, but DO NOT look down on, or rolls your eyes at those passionate few who do not, in fact, take all matters as lightly as you, and are not afraid stand up for what they believe in.
For example: There is a guy in a design firm who designed and built a prototype piece of furniture for his design group's commission. The group generally didn't like the design, but instead opted to say, "the chair's too tall," and "the chair's too unstable," rather than "the chair's too crazy/silly/ugly looking," which was basically the bottom line. The height and stability of the chair could be easily fixed if we all wanted to pursue the chair idea. He responded by saying, "okay, I understand," "this was just for fun," "it's no big deal," but wouldn't stop talking about the damn chair, and was clearly defensive and upset. When someone asked him if he was upset that they didn't like the idea, he kept saying it didn't bother him.
you have two options...STOP TALKING ABOUT IT THEN, thereby conveying that you don't in fact care.
or
COME ON OUT AND EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL, which I think is way healthier for you and the group. Say, "I worked hard on this design, and I think designing our own furniture is a great idea. If you all don't like it, help me work on this so it can be better." When we don't properly express how we feel, we miss out on opportunities, and so do those around us. While someone else really needed to take control of the project, I personally felt designing chairs would have been a fine addition, but since he was beating around the bush, the idea got scrapped along with his chance to make a real ambitious contribution to the project, and our opportunity as a group to add that much more of our personal touch. By the group not telling him that his design was bad, he doesn't reevaluate his work, and improve as a designer; and by him not expressing his frustration to the group, it will insure that they will not be more sensitive to his involvement in the future.
Passive aggressiveness is plaguing our country, and spawning the likenesses of bullies, high school sharpshooting assassins, and "mean girl" syndrome. It's completely polarized our country into those who would go to war with any country for any reason [hyper aggressive], and those who would like to strip you of every liberty/freedom/choice you have today in the name of "censorship."
Now, sometimes it is important to go with the flow, and I acknowledge that as well. It's generally best to go with the flow when you don't care about the outcome, or when you trust those making the decision for you. It's also best to go with the flow when you've fought and FOUGHT AND FOUGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT, AND YOU STILL AREN'T GETTING YOUR WAY, AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTHING YOU DO IS GOING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION, SO YOU EITHER QUIT OR SHUT UP AND RIDE THIS SINKING SHIP TO THE END.
That being said...
Going with the flow gets you and what you want nowhere.
Successful people, happy people got that way because they figured out what they wanted and figured out a way to get it. That being said, I'm not supporting doing "whatever it takes" at the expense of other people's feelings, although that might be the case sometimes. You can be a good (nice) person, and still assert yourself to achieve what you want. Furthermore, people who have difficulty expressing how they feel are often less respected than those that do. If I never learn to consider your feelings, because you claim to never have strong ones, I'm less likely to ask for your approval/permission/acceptance when there is a situation about which you do care. People pretend to be "easy-going," some people say they are, and never act the part, and then there definitely are those folks who live up to that standard more than others; but the fact of the matter is that we are all individuals with individual needs and wants, and we shouldn't shy around how we feel and what we want. Assertiveness is not bitchiness. Declarative sentences are your friends. Talking around what you want not only drives people like me crazy, but you'll feel a whole lot better not having to constantly mince your words, qualify your statements, and generally come across "wishy-washy," "flighty," and "unreliable." Let's use our big boy's and girl's voices, and stop wasting our time trying to figure out how to get what I want without saying what I want. You'd be surprised how often people, you think care, really don't, and would be more than happy to do what you want to do if you'd just fuckin' come out and say it already.