How the Who Stole Halloween
For posterity...
"The Who Who Stole Halloween" by Rev. Mike Rho Phone on WREK Atlanta, Suzie the Floozy's Slacktime Funhouse, rebroadcast on the Hour of Slack Halloween show, KNON Dallas Sunday at 9:00 PM, Halloween, 1993.
(transcribed and reprinted without permission)
Every Grinch down in Grinchville likes Halloween a lot,
But the Who who lived just north of Grinchville, did not.
The Who hated the whole Halloween season;
No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that he lost a big bet
And had an unbelievable gambling debt.
Or it could be that his underwear was too tight
And he was desperate to get laid that night
Whatever the reason, groin itches or wallet pinches,
He stood there on Halloween hating the Grinches.
Staring down from his cave with a sour huge frown
At the warm, lighted pumpkins below in their town.
For he knew every Grinch down in Grinchville beneath
Was busy now hanging someone capped with a thorny Halloween wreath
He snarled with his fundamentalist fingers nervously drumming
"I must find some way to keep Halloween from coming!"
The Who had quite a vivid imagination
But for only one thing--he had a morbid fixation.
It was a fulltime occupation
Of hating other peoples' imaginations.
"All the Grinch girls and boys will be carving their Halloween toys," imagined the Who.
"Hundreds of grotesque dolls for voodoo
And fashioning enormous piles of fake dog doodoo
"And the Grinches young and old will sit down to a feast.
The young will feast on the old and they'll feast,
feast, feast, feast, feast
"Then they'll do something I hate most of all, "said the Who.
"Every Grinch down in Grinchville, the tall and the small
Will burn down the local Baptist church, dismember the pastor and sacrifice his liver on an altar to Satan!"
The Who's self-righteous indignation knew no end
He made it his whole life, for he had not a friend
Then the Who got an idea, an awful idea
The Who got an evangelical awful idea
"I know just what to do," the Who laughed in his throat,
"I'll drill a few holes in their hellfire boat!"
I'll fill their dark passions with something mind-numbing
This year I'll stop Halloween from coming!"
Then dressing up as a mass-murdering psychotic clown
The Who infiltrated the Grinchville Town.
He stole all their glow-in-the dark skeletons,
Their Dobbshead pumpkins,
And old recordings of "Monster Mash."
He took all their candles, their Ouija boards and cash
And the last thing the Who took was the last of their 'frop stash.
But Halloween came just the same
And it came again and again
"How could it be so?" mused the Who.
"It came without plastic pirate hats and cardboard black cats.
It came without Frankenstein and Dracula's ghost.
It came without trance channelers flown in from the coast
"Halloween came.
It came just the same.
"It came without devils and witches and hags
It came without commies, New-Agers, and fags!"
The Who puzzled and puzzled 'til his puzzler was sore;
Then the Who thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe, just maybe, Halloween isn't a liberal-inspired, devil-worshipping conspiracy to dupe the youth of our nation into rejecting the ultraconservative fundamentalist Christian agenda.
"Maybe Halloween perhaps means a little bit more."
And in Grinchville they say
The Who's brain grew three sizes that day
And his penis grew five sizes guaranteed the next day.
Then the true meaning of Halloween came through
And the Who found the Slack of ten grinches, plus two.
"Welcome Halloween, bring your weirdness,
Weirdness to all Grinches far and near.
Halloween will ever soar
As long as M-80s blow down your door.
"Welcome, children of the night
With hearts and minds so dark and bright.
Halloween is in our grasp
As long as we have blood sacrifices to clasp.
Halloween will always be
Just as long as we have perversity.
Welcome Halloween while we stand
Hand cut off and heart in hand!"
"The Who Who Stole Halloween" by Rev. Mike Rho Phone on WREK Atlanta, Suzie the Floozy's Slacktime Funhouse, rebroadcast on the Hour of Slack Halloween show, KNON Dallas Sunday at 9:00 PM, Halloween, 1993.
(transcribed and reprinted without permission)
Every Grinch down in Grinchville likes Halloween a lot,
But the Who who lived just north of Grinchville, did not.
The Who hated the whole Halloween season;
No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that he lost a big bet
And had an unbelievable gambling debt.
Or it could be that his underwear was too tight
And he was desperate to get laid that night
Whatever the reason, groin itches or wallet pinches,
He stood there on Halloween hating the Grinches.
Staring down from his cave with a sour huge frown
At the warm, lighted pumpkins below in their town.
For he knew every Grinch down in Grinchville beneath
Was busy now hanging someone capped with a thorny Halloween wreath
He snarled with his fundamentalist fingers nervously drumming
"I must find some way to keep Halloween from coming!"
The Who had quite a vivid imagination
But for only one thing--he had a morbid fixation.
It was a fulltime occupation
Of hating other peoples' imaginations.
"All the Grinch girls and boys will be carving their Halloween toys," imagined the Who.
"Hundreds of grotesque dolls for voodoo
And fashioning enormous piles of fake dog doodoo
"And the Grinches young and old will sit down to a feast.
The young will feast on the old and they'll feast,
feast, feast, feast, feast
"Then they'll do something I hate most of all, "said the Who.
"Every Grinch down in Grinchville, the tall and the small
Will burn down the local Baptist church, dismember the pastor and sacrifice his liver on an altar to Satan!"
The Who's self-righteous indignation knew no end
He made it his whole life, for he had not a friend
Then the Who got an idea, an awful idea
The Who got an evangelical awful idea
"I know just what to do," the Who laughed in his throat,
"I'll drill a few holes in their hellfire boat!"
I'll fill their dark passions with something mind-numbing
This year I'll stop Halloween from coming!"
Then dressing up as a mass-murdering psychotic clown
The Who infiltrated the Grinchville Town.
He stole all their glow-in-the dark skeletons,
Their Dobbshead pumpkins,
And old recordings of "Monster Mash."
He took all their candles, their Ouija boards and cash
And the last thing the Who took was the last of their 'frop stash.
But Halloween came just the same
And it came again and again
"How could it be so?" mused the Who.
"It came without plastic pirate hats and cardboard black cats.
It came without Frankenstein and Dracula's ghost.
It came without trance channelers flown in from the coast
"Halloween came.
It came just the same.
"It came without devils and witches and hags
It came without commies, New-Agers, and fags!"
The Who puzzled and puzzled 'til his puzzler was sore;
Then the Who thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe, just maybe, Halloween isn't a liberal-inspired, devil-worshipping conspiracy to dupe the youth of our nation into rejecting the ultraconservative fundamentalist Christian agenda.
"Maybe Halloween perhaps means a little bit more."
And in Grinchville they say
The Who's brain grew three sizes that day
And his penis grew five sizes guaranteed the next day.
Then the true meaning of Halloween came through
And the Who found the Slack of ten grinches, plus two.
"Welcome Halloween, bring your weirdness,
Weirdness to all Grinches far and near.
Halloween will ever soar
As long as M-80s blow down your door.
"Welcome, children of the night
With hearts and minds so dark and bright.
Halloween is in our grasp
As long as we have blood sacrifices to clasp.
Halloween will always be
Just as long as we have perversity.
Welcome Halloween while we stand
Hand cut off and heart in hand!"