thoughts at 38,000 feet
As I write this, I am on a plane going 488 mph, at an altitude of 38,462 feet, or so the little TV screen in front of me tells me. I flew out of Dickinson this morning at the wonderful time of 5:50 am. Security checked every single passenger’s carry-on bag (okay, there were only like 8 people getting on the plane, but still) very thoroughly. I can assure you, terrorists don’t stand a chance at the Dickinson airport. I think they just do it out of sheer boredom, since they certainly aren’t very busy. Now I am on a much larger plane flying over Illinois-again, information provided by the TV screen. I was super excited that each seat got its own personal TV, but then I learned that it cost $5 to watch TV and $8 to watch a movie. Stupid airline, taunting me with its posh plane. But we did get bagels for a “breakfast snack,” so I guess I’m okay with that.
On the end of the wing, facing the inside of the plane, is a picture of a ferret. And I have no idea why. It’s a pretty lifelike representation-if you glanced at it quickly and disregarded the fact that you were thousands of feet in the air, you might actually think there was a real ferret sitting on the wing.
This past weekend/week has been pretty great. On Saturday I went out to camp (and was so excited that I drove like crazy to get there) to meet my friend/fellow former counselor Dan and ride with him to a Farmers Union wedding in Napoleon. The couple met at camp, and then were counselors together (and I worked with both of them, too). So cute. The wedding was so much fun. Dan and I didn’t really want to go to the entire Catholic mass, so we thought we would sneak in the back at the end. Well, of course, that didn’t really work-as soon as we walked in, Sheldon saw us and actually waved to us, in front of everyone, which was a little embarrassing. So much for sneaking in. Then after mass everything was chaos. We started seeing all of the other summer staffers there, and everything was all hugs and loud laughter and excitement. I loved it. And then we went to the reception and got wasted off of free beer and plenty of red eye, mmmm. I didn’t drink a drop for the rest of the night because that one hour was definitely enough for me. And then, of course, the polkaing began. For anyone who doesn’t know, Napoleon, North Dakota is pretty much the polka capital of the entire world. There was a live band and they were great. And of course, the dance ended with multiple renditions of the Union Button, various other camp songs, goodnight circle, and the NDSU fight song. Afterward we all went to this apartment/hotel and drank and talked and eventually fell asleep all over the beds and couches and floor. It was exactly the kind of small town wedding that I love.
The next day, Kale and I drove to Bismarck and caught up on all of the events of the end of the school year/beginning of the summer. I caught up on the camp gossip, and we talked about the previous night’s staff hookups. Then I spent the night out at Heart Butte, and it was everything that I love about summer. They got 6 brand new kayaks out there, so Kale, Jacque, and I went kayaking out to an island about 30 kayaking minutes away from our beach. I think I could spend my entire life on a boat-any kind of boat, it doesn’t matter. When we got back we spent the rest of the night with the other staffers out there and ended with a campfire on the beach. And I missed summers at Heart Butte so, so much at that point. But as sad as I am about missing out on camp this summer, I think that if I was out there, although I would still love the campers, I would get annoyed easily with other staff. Just from this one weekend, I was beginning to get irritated with the drama. So, although I already knew that I made the right choice, this weekend confirmed it. It’s time for me to move on from camp.
Then on Monday I got an unexpected phone call from my cousin. She is two years older than me, and growing up we were really good friends. But lately we haven’t talked much, and things just aren’t the same as when we were little. Surprisingly, she called me to ask me for advice. Her life story, at least of the last few years, is complicated, to say the least. She got pregnant when she was a college freshman and then two summers ago married her on-again, off-again boyfriend (who, of course, was on-again when her son was conceived/born). At the time, I thought that getting married was a bad plan, since I think she was influenced by her parents, who worried about how things would look to others, and by her desire for the perfect little family. I remember the summer after she graduated from high school, we went to her parents’ lake cabin for the weekend and we were just sitting on the dock, talking about the future and other random things. Even though she had already committed to going to college in Dickinson, she told me that all she really wanted to do was get married and have a baby. Which is fine, but in order for that to be possible, you need a responsible, committed boyfriend. Not Mr. On-Again, Off-Again. She then told me that they had stopped using birth control. I, being a naive high school sophomore, still knew that that was a horrible idea but didn’t say anything because hey, it’s her life, right? Anyway, less than a year after they were married, she ended up cheating on her husband and they agreed to get a divorce. Now, she and New Boyfriend-not on-again, off-again, but not without his issues-are pregnant. Again, she stopped using birth control because she thought they were ready to have a baby. She had called me to ask me about what she should do in this situation: New Boyfriend, who has a steady, somewhat decent job (he is not college educated, and she has her Associate’s in elementary ed., which you can literally do nothing with), also likes to smoke pot a couple of times a week. So...that’s not exactly a huge deal, but not good either. But here’s the huge deal: his workplace has started doing drug testing. He knew that he had a drug test the next day, but smoked the night before anyway, because he just didn’t care. Of course, he got caught, and he was told that he had to quit work until his test showed up clean, which will be a couple of weeks if he doesn’t smoke again. Then, he’ll be on a year probation where he will have to take a weekly test. So, he basically didn’t care that he lost his job even though he just bought a car under my cousin’s credit and will need to make payments on that, not to mention that he now has a baby to support. And he told his boss that he’ll stay clean for the year, but to be honest, he is probably going to smoke again after the year is up. Which means that he may never be able to keep a steady job. And he’s 26 years old, and he should now be moving into adult/family/responsibility mode but is instead still acting like a young, partying kid. She asked me what I thought she should do. I said to kick him out of your house until he can show you that he can be a responsible adult. And the most surprising thing is, she actually did! I was expecting her to chicken out and just keep on pretending that his behavior was okay. She kept telling me how wise I was and how mature, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not me, it’s her. I think she has a common sense deficiency, and I don’t know how it happened. And she said that it was good that I learned from her mistakes. I agreed, even though I knew that I haven’t actually learned from her-these were just things I knew anyway. And then she told me that she knew that we have kind of fallen out of contact for the last few years, and she was sorry for that, but she couldn’t forget the look on my face when she told me she was pregnant the first time. And then I felt like the world’s biggest bitch. I always thought that I tried so hard not to pass judgment on others and act like I’ve got it all figured out, but in reality, I guess I fail miserably. So I tried to explain that it wasn’t because I was judging her but because I know how much she can do with her life. I wanted her to go to college and get a job and be happy, but again, I am imposing my idea of happiness onto her. She is so curious about so many things, and she always thinks of such creative ideas. I hate to see that stifled by her working her ass off at a low-paying job just so she can support her kids without the help of a committed partner. But every time I think about what she said, I still feel awful. I feel like I’m responsible for our degenerating relationship.
We’re landing in DC! Oh God. So yesterday I was in packing mode, not really thinking about the reason I was packing but distracting myself with laundry and luggage and not forgetting things. But now, all of a sudden, I’m terrified. But excited, all at the same time. It’s a good kind of scared.
On the end of the wing, facing the inside of the plane, is a picture of a ferret. And I have no idea why. It’s a pretty lifelike representation-if you glanced at it quickly and disregarded the fact that you were thousands of feet in the air, you might actually think there was a real ferret sitting on the wing.
This past weekend/week has been pretty great. On Saturday I went out to camp (and was so excited that I drove like crazy to get there) to meet my friend/fellow former counselor Dan and ride with him to a Farmers Union wedding in Napoleon. The couple met at camp, and then were counselors together (and I worked with both of them, too). So cute. The wedding was so much fun. Dan and I didn’t really want to go to the entire Catholic mass, so we thought we would sneak in the back at the end. Well, of course, that didn’t really work-as soon as we walked in, Sheldon saw us and actually waved to us, in front of everyone, which was a little embarrassing. So much for sneaking in. Then after mass everything was chaos. We started seeing all of the other summer staffers there, and everything was all hugs and loud laughter and excitement. I loved it. And then we went to the reception and got wasted off of free beer and plenty of red eye, mmmm. I didn’t drink a drop for the rest of the night because that one hour was definitely enough for me. And then, of course, the polkaing began. For anyone who doesn’t know, Napoleon, North Dakota is pretty much the polka capital of the entire world. There was a live band and they were great. And of course, the dance ended with multiple renditions of the Union Button, various other camp songs, goodnight circle, and the NDSU fight song. Afterward we all went to this apartment/hotel and drank and talked and eventually fell asleep all over the beds and couches and floor. It was exactly the kind of small town wedding that I love.
The next day, Kale and I drove to Bismarck and caught up on all of the events of the end of the school year/beginning of the summer. I caught up on the camp gossip, and we talked about the previous night’s staff hookups. Then I spent the night out at Heart Butte, and it was everything that I love about summer. They got 6 brand new kayaks out there, so Kale, Jacque, and I went kayaking out to an island about 30 kayaking minutes away from our beach. I think I could spend my entire life on a boat-any kind of boat, it doesn’t matter. When we got back we spent the rest of the night with the other staffers out there and ended with a campfire on the beach. And I missed summers at Heart Butte so, so much at that point. But as sad as I am about missing out on camp this summer, I think that if I was out there, although I would still love the campers, I would get annoyed easily with other staff. Just from this one weekend, I was beginning to get irritated with the drama. So, although I already knew that I made the right choice, this weekend confirmed it. It’s time for me to move on from camp.
Then on Monday I got an unexpected phone call from my cousin. She is two years older than me, and growing up we were really good friends. But lately we haven’t talked much, and things just aren’t the same as when we were little. Surprisingly, she called me to ask me for advice. Her life story, at least of the last few years, is complicated, to say the least. She got pregnant when she was a college freshman and then two summers ago married her on-again, off-again boyfriend (who, of course, was on-again when her son was conceived/born). At the time, I thought that getting married was a bad plan, since I think she was influenced by her parents, who worried about how things would look to others, and by her desire for the perfect little family. I remember the summer after she graduated from high school, we went to her parents’ lake cabin for the weekend and we were just sitting on the dock, talking about the future and other random things. Even though she had already committed to going to college in Dickinson, she told me that all she really wanted to do was get married and have a baby. Which is fine, but in order for that to be possible, you need a responsible, committed boyfriend. Not Mr. On-Again, Off-Again. She then told me that they had stopped using birth control. I, being a naive high school sophomore, still knew that that was a horrible idea but didn’t say anything because hey, it’s her life, right? Anyway, less than a year after they were married, she ended up cheating on her husband and they agreed to get a divorce. Now, she and New Boyfriend-not on-again, off-again, but not without his issues-are pregnant. Again, she stopped using birth control because she thought they were ready to have a baby. She had called me to ask me about what she should do in this situation: New Boyfriend, who has a steady, somewhat decent job (he is not college educated, and she has her Associate’s in elementary ed., which you can literally do nothing with), also likes to smoke pot a couple of times a week. So...that’s not exactly a huge deal, but not good either. But here’s the huge deal: his workplace has started doing drug testing. He knew that he had a drug test the next day, but smoked the night before anyway, because he just didn’t care. Of course, he got caught, and he was told that he had to quit work until his test showed up clean, which will be a couple of weeks if he doesn’t smoke again. Then, he’ll be on a year probation where he will have to take a weekly test. So, he basically didn’t care that he lost his job even though he just bought a car under my cousin’s credit and will need to make payments on that, not to mention that he now has a baby to support. And he told his boss that he’ll stay clean for the year, but to be honest, he is probably going to smoke again after the year is up. Which means that he may never be able to keep a steady job. And he’s 26 years old, and he should now be moving into adult/family/responsibility mode but is instead still acting like a young, partying kid. She asked me what I thought she should do. I said to kick him out of your house until he can show you that he can be a responsible adult. And the most surprising thing is, she actually did! I was expecting her to chicken out and just keep on pretending that his behavior was okay. She kept telling me how wise I was and how mature, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not me, it’s her. I think she has a common sense deficiency, and I don’t know how it happened. And she said that it was good that I learned from her mistakes. I agreed, even though I knew that I haven’t actually learned from her-these were just things I knew anyway. And then she told me that she knew that we have kind of fallen out of contact for the last few years, and she was sorry for that, but she couldn’t forget the look on my face when she told me she was pregnant the first time. And then I felt like the world’s biggest bitch. I always thought that I tried so hard not to pass judgment on others and act like I’ve got it all figured out, but in reality, I guess I fail miserably. So I tried to explain that it wasn’t because I was judging her but because I know how much she can do with her life. I wanted her to go to college and get a job and be happy, but again, I am imposing my idea of happiness onto her. She is so curious about so many things, and she always thinks of such creative ideas. I hate to see that stifled by her working her ass off at a low-paying job just so she can support her kids without the help of a committed partner. But every time I think about what she said, I still feel awful. I feel like I’m responsible for our degenerating relationship.
We’re landing in DC! Oh God. So yesterday I was in packing mode, not really thinking about the reason I was packing but distracting myself with laundry and luggage and not forgetting things. But now, all of a sudden, I’m terrified. But excited, all at the same time. It’s a good kind of scared.