Ballin is a Habbit
you know its been happening lately. when i wake up in the middle of the night thinking its still that point in time when i was naive and happy. i wake up and i get that feeling of happiness that I once had before everything started to happen.
and then a few seconds later it hits me. really hard.
that my life isnt the same anymore and it never will be
that im going to be different forever
that i don't get to share certain joys ive been dreaming about all my life that i recently found out i wont be able to have
that im not all i think im cut out to be
..its so weird. this "waking up with the feeling that its one year ago" happenes frequently now. it's scary because it's almost like im in a trance, on some sort of acid trip.
i also begin to notice that every time im upset or hurt... its because i put myself in the situacion of it and vulnerable to it.
it's almost as if i cannot find what i need to fill that empty space.
im tired of "acting" happy.
but im also tired of being tired of acting happy because there's no way i want to let anyone see me sad.
things just aren't the same anymore.
i'd like to know what it is about my aura that repels people.
I havent really cried for a valid reason like i have in this past week.
these bad dreams, these obsurd thoughts going through my mind.
i don't know how to accept myself.
Phase two is under construction. Im going in for it tomorrow instead of over the break because it turns out something happened and if i don't do it now then i could get way serious.
came a little bit earlier than expected but that's ok.
(for those of you who understand, good. if you dont then ignore this)
tonight was something i defenitly needed.
poor natalia. her fuckin bitch ass of a boyfriend (ex boyfriend i should say) cheated on her with the nastiest, stupidest bitch at school. and natalia...being natalia... is taking it better than i could have ever imagined.
so tonight i went to natalia's/fofo's and we talked for a long long time. natalia and fofo (being brother and sister) both make me laugh my ass off til days on end. plus i was stoned.
i went to get laurie, and we made natalia's ingenue costume. damn that girls gonna look cute.
i figured out wat ima wear to ingenue but i am not gonna say it, youll just have to see the pictures.
so whats new with me besides all the art ive been working on? well, lots of things. The drama with my dad has gotten even worst. I didnt think it could get worst...and everyone knows how into things i used to be and now i really regret it. i really regret being the cause of everything and involving myself so much.
I havent felt the need for a boyfriend in so long. I am so glad. You know right now I am just happy being me. I am happy seeing the things in a different perspective.
I am getting really sick. Probably because I bring it upon myself.
-i went to lunch with hannah today. it was nice. <33
the reason i am writing a public entry today is because i dont feel the need to hide anything right now. I am pretty much ok and secure about what is on my mind.
eevrything with paul saba turned into a disaster. It is so funny how one day you think you know someone so well...and then the next day you enter the realm of a reality check and it just comes to you... straight up... that you didnt know what the FUCK you were thinking.
why should i waste my time!
Un ano y medio que me echo flores el menco. UN ANO Y MEDIO! como?? Y cuando pongo mi vida entre el, se corre.
(sorry i had to put that in spanish so only certain ppl would understand)
and to think that i used to believe that "to love and be loved" is the meaning of life...
well maybe it is maybe it isnt but first before anything you have to love "yourself"
-rells
and then a few seconds later it hits me. really hard.
that my life isnt the same anymore and it never will be
that im going to be different forever
that i don't get to share certain joys ive been dreaming about all my life that i recently found out i wont be able to have
that im not all i think im cut out to be
..its so weird. this "waking up with the feeling that its one year ago" happenes frequently now. it's scary because it's almost like im in a trance, on some sort of acid trip.
i also begin to notice that every time im upset or hurt... its because i put myself in the situacion of it and vulnerable to it.
it's almost as if i cannot find what i need to fill that empty space.
im tired of "acting" happy.
but im also tired of being tired of acting happy because there's no way i want to let anyone see me sad.
things just aren't the same anymore.
i'd like to know what it is about my aura that repels people.
I havent really cried for a valid reason like i have in this past week.
these bad dreams, these obsurd thoughts going through my mind.
i don't know how to accept myself.
Phase two is under construction. Im going in for it tomorrow instead of over the break because it turns out something happened and if i don't do it now then i could get way serious.
came a little bit earlier than expected but that's ok.
(for those of you who understand, good. if you dont then ignore this)
tonight was something i defenitly needed.
poor natalia. her fuckin bitch ass of a boyfriend (ex boyfriend i should say) cheated on her with the nastiest, stupidest bitch at school. and natalia...being natalia... is taking it better than i could have ever imagined.
so tonight i went to natalia's/fofo's and we talked for a long long time. natalia and fofo (being brother and sister) both make me laugh my ass off til days on end. plus i was stoned.
i went to get laurie, and we made natalia's ingenue costume. damn that girls gonna look cute.
i figured out wat ima wear to ingenue but i am not gonna say it, youll just have to see the pictures.
so whats new with me besides all the art ive been working on? well, lots of things. The drama with my dad has gotten even worst. I didnt think it could get worst...and everyone knows how into things i used to be and now i really regret it. i really regret being the cause of everything and involving myself so much.
I havent felt the need for a boyfriend in so long. I am so glad. You know right now I am just happy being me. I am happy seeing the things in a different perspective.
I am getting really sick. Probably because I bring it upon myself.
-i went to lunch with hannah today. it was nice. <33
the reason i am writing a public entry today is because i dont feel the need to hide anything right now. I am pretty much ok and secure about what is on my mind.
eevrything with paul saba turned into a disaster. It is so funny how one day you think you know someone so well...and then the next day you enter the realm of a reality check and it just comes to you... straight up... that you didnt know what the FUCK you were thinking.
why should i waste my time!
Un ano y medio que me echo flores el menco. UN ANO Y MEDIO! como?? Y cuando pongo mi vida entre el, se corre.
(sorry i had to put that in spanish so only certain ppl would understand)
and to think that i used to believe that "to love and be loved" is the meaning of life...
well maybe it is maybe it isnt but first before anything you have to love "yourself"
-rells