Where I was, and where things are with Dina
After working for 20th Century Fox as a Data Administrator for 19 months, I was fired for working through lunch. Obviously it's not that simple- I had ruined my relationship with a new middle manager after once loudly scolding her for incompetence while high on Kratom. Oh, and for most of that time I was extremely addicted to Kratom (to the extent that I was unable to save any of my $24/hr income for the entire time I worked there). For the record, my experiences show Kratom to work on me much like that fictional drug in the movie Limitless.
Fox is a generous company (indeed one of the few remaining bastions of the once extremely generous film industry) and they made it absolutely clear upon my termination that they would not contest a claim for unemployment benefits, and so I was soon making $450 per week doing absolutely fucking nothing. I would fly to Seattle and to treat friends to cases of exotic beer- when any cost-conscious individual protested, I would happily inform them that "this beer is sponsored by the state of California". I wasted the shit out of that money.
Indeed, as the year 2013 approached and my unemployment benefits were soon to be eliminated by the government's hard(but fair) spending cuts*, I had still not paid the taxes I had accrued (having been a contracted employee for half of my time at Fox and owed taxes for the whole period). I had also not paid the fines associated with my second Reckless Driving charge that (all told) cost me about $3,564, not including the insurance hike and my license renewal fees. I had used every good opportunity I had been given to fuck myself, but in truth, I enjoyed every day of it.
You see, almost exactly as I was leaving Fox, I was building a relationship with a girl named Dina. I had met her at a "FMLY Dinner and a Show" which can be accurately described as a "barbecue-party-turned-local-arts-fundraiser". I belched my way through a few conversations and managed to convince her that I knew more than a whiff of shit about women, relationships, or indeed anything about how to be young, stylish and intelligent in a modern world. (Any of my old friends will almost certainly know better).
Dina was an odd chick when I met her. She has a hardcore individualism built on a hard upbringing and steeped in inner-city Philadelphia bleakness. She'd also been badly alienated by a jarring move across the country and exposure to the college culture of CalArts, which so far as I can tell is modeled closely after a big basket of angry, starving rats. In short, she was an extremely sweet and innocent girl, who hated herself.
It became stressful at times. Almost every other day she would develop an inconsolable urge to harm herself, and every time I would spend hours trying to convince her that she hadn't done anything to deserve it. It took everything I had to finally show her that the anger she felt was only evidence of her honesty, modesty and sense of fairness. I genuinely feel that over the course of our relationship she became a healthy person with a clear outlook on life. I will absolutely take credit for that.
Why did I bother with all that? Well, I'd love for you to believe that I'm just a stand-up guy who cares about the people around him, but the fact is that I'm much too spineless and lazy to deal directly with my problems. If I'd had any meaningful relationship experience I would have jumped ship and ended the whole stressful affair at the first sign of trouble. Instead, I stuck it out and things improved, through to the end of my unemployment. Indeed, over these past few months, she has begun to glow. Every one of those nights had paid off.
When I got my current job at Technicolor on the first of this year, my life filled with energy. I became obsessed with utilizing every moment effectively, and exercising my brain at all times. I would do research in between emails at work, write code on the bus, and I still use an app to learn spanish while I shit. Big projects started forming around me, from construction of a downtown music venue called the Fort, to repairs and remodeling of a tiny old house my mom purchased in Wrightwood, to a massive 50-minute web video project and, more recently, plans for a world record attempt for overclocking CPU frequency. I felt like I was unstoppable.
Then last Saturday happened. During my first weekend shift for Technicolor, I burned through about 3,500 feet of film stock. Previously, I had been told that ruining even half that much film was grounds for termination, and I couldn't afford to lose my job. The feeling of sickness and fear that consumed me the for rest of the day turned my skin pale. It wasn't any better on Sunday morning, either.
That day was Easter, and I was finally able to see Dina again. I had been seeing less and less of her as my work schedule moved later and later, and it didn't help that I spent most of my time working on my numerous projects, none of which seemed to be developing at a meaningful pace. She wanted to talk.
She wanted to ask about being just friends. She forced me to admit that our long relationship hadn't exactly been the product of passion and mutual admiration. I discovered that she had been seeing someone else, a loose end from her past that had returned and stirred up deep feelings. I made the painful and idiotic decision to (against my own scruples) prove this to myself by reading her text messages. Don't ever do that, by the way.
It was the wrong day for that to happen. I said to her, "I would sure hate to lose my job and my girlfriend in the same weekend". She innocently replied, "Well, you probably aren't going to lose your job". Ouch. Still, none of it quite registered. I was in some kind of shock state, maybe related to the huge swell of positive thinking I had been riding up to that point. I was going through one of those "burn-out" things you hear about so much in my industry. For the next few days I was barely able to sit up straight, let alone stand.
Something interesting came of it, though. I was able to discuss the matter in a totally detached, logical way. It was not so much a matter of my girlfriend leaving as it was the moral dilemma of falling for an old missed connection while still involved in a long-term commitment with a tiresome, albeit faithful partner. I somehow managed to agree with what she was doing, that she needed to find out for sure whether or not those feelings were a sign of something more.
And that's fucked up.
I can now say, having experienced its effects, that nobody should ever under any circumstances be made to watch their significant other go on serious dates with somebody else and still be waiting for them when they come back. I know Dina will not physically cross any lines with this guy (and thankfully so- I have tremendous, crippling fears of a girlfriend having sexual affairs behind my back) but I would challenge even the most psychologically-hardened individual to relax while knowing that their partner is, at that exact moment, going out on a date with someone for whom they have strong feelings. I'm not sure I'll recover from the experience.
That neatly frames my current problem. Through our civil discussion she had confessed to me the details of her search for a soulmate, and in return I promised to take her back if she didn't find one.... but the it won't be the same.
The tapestry is ripped. The anguish that this affair has wrought upon my mind won't be easy enough to forget. Over the past few days I discovered how much I truly love her, and watched as those feelings were received into an endless cold void of indifference. As she casually and innocently informs me of her intention to stay, I can hardly bear the strain. I fear that for me to leave now, it would destroy her.
It is presumptuous of me to say that she won't be able to afford life on her own and that her spirit will be broken by the jobs she already has. She'll probably find a way to make ends meet and stay alive doing it. But I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to doubt herself again, and go back to the horrible, dark cycles of inward frustration that I spent so many long nights fighting against. I cannot face the idea that I could begin that chain reaction.
What shall I do? Can the relationship recover? Will I ever get to connect with the bright young woman she has become? Is there a painless way out of this? Will I ever feel the same as I did before this all started?
Am I a coward, or am I courageous?
Fox is a generous company (indeed one of the few remaining bastions of the once extremely generous film industry) and they made it absolutely clear upon my termination that they would not contest a claim for unemployment benefits, and so I was soon making $450 per week doing absolutely fucking nothing. I would fly to Seattle and to treat friends to cases of exotic beer- when any cost-conscious individual protested, I would happily inform them that "this beer is sponsored by the state of California". I wasted the shit out of that money.
Indeed, as the year 2013 approached and my unemployment benefits were soon to be eliminated by the government's hard(but fair) spending cuts*, I had still not paid the taxes I had accrued (having been a contracted employee for half of my time at Fox and owed taxes for the whole period). I had also not paid the fines associated with my second Reckless Driving charge that (all told) cost me about $3,564, not including the insurance hike and my license renewal fees. I had used every good opportunity I had been given to fuck myself, but in truth, I enjoyed every day of it.
You see, almost exactly as I was leaving Fox, I was building a relationship with a girl named Dina. I had met her at a "FMLY Dinner and a Show" which can be accurately described as a "barbecue-party-turned-local-arts-fundraiser". I belched my way through a few conversations and managed to convince her that I knew more than a whiff of shit about women, relationships, or indeed anything about how to be young, stylish and intelligent in a modern world. (Any of my old friends will almost certainly know better).
Dina was an odd chick when I met her. She has a hardcore individualism built on a hard upbringing and steeped in inner-city Philadelphia bleakness. She'd also been badly alienated by a jarring move across the country and exposure to the college culture of CalArts, which so far as I can tell is modeled closely after a big basket of angry, starving rats. In short, she was an extremely sweet and innocent girl, who hated herself.
It became stressful at times. Almost every other day she would develop an inconsolable urge to harm herself, and every time I would spend hours trying to convince her that she hadn't done anything to deserve it. It took everything I had to finally show her that the anger she felt was only evidence of her honesty, modesty and sense of fairness. I genuinely feel that over the course of our relationship she became a healthy person with a clear outlook on life. I will absolutely take credit for that.
Why did I bother with all that? Well, I'd love for you to believe that I'm just a stand-up guy who cares about the people around him, but the fact is that I'm much too spineless and lazy to deal directly with my problems. If I'd had any meaningful relationship experience I would have jumped ship and ended the whole stressful affair at the first sign of trouble. Instead, I stuck it out and things improved, through to the end of my unemployment. Indeed, over these past few months, she has begun to glow. Every one of those nights had paid off.
When I got my current job at Technicolor on the first of this year, my life filled with energy. I became obsessed with utilizing every moment effectively, and exercising my brain at all times. I would do research in between emails at work, write code on the bus, and I still use an app to learn spanish while I shit. Big projects started forming around me, from construction of a downtown music venue called the Fort, to repairs and remodeling of a tiny old house my mom purchased in Wrightwood, to a massive 50-minute web video project and, more recently, plans for a world record attempt for overclocking CPU frequency. I felt like I was unstoppable.
Then last Saturday happened. During my first weekend shift for Technicolor, I burned through about 3,500 feet of film stock. Previously, I had been told that ruining even half that much film was grounds for termination, and I couldn't afford to lose my job. The feeling of sickness and fear that consumed me the for rest of the day turned my skin pale. It wasn't any better on Sunday morning, either.
That day was Easter, and I was finally able to see Dina again. I had been seeing less and less of her as my work schedule moved later and later, and it didn't help that I spent most of my time working on my numerous projects, none of which seemed to be developing at a meaningful pace. She wanted to talk.
She wanted to ask about being just friends. She forced me to admit that our long relationship hadn't exactly been the product of passion and mutual admiration. I discovered that she had been seeing someone else, a loose end from her past that had returned and stirred up deep feelings. I made the painful and idiotic decision to (against my own scruples) prove this to myself by reading her text messages. Don't ever do that, by the way.
It was the wrong day for that to happen. I said to her, "I would sure hate to lose my job and my girlfriend in the same weekend". She innocently replied, "Well, you probably aren't going to lose your job". Ouch. Still, none of it quite registered. I was in some kind of shock state, maybe related to the huge swell of positive thinking I had been riding up to that point. I was going through one of those "burn-out" things you hear about so much in my industry. For the next few days I was barely able to sit up straight, let alone stand.
Something interesting came of it, though. I was able to discuss the matter in a totally detached, logical way. It was not so much a matter of my girlfriend leaving as it was the moral dilemma of falling for an old missed connection while still involved in a long-term commitment with a tiresome, albeit faithful partner. I somehow managed to agree with what she was doing, that she needed to find out for sure whether or not those feelings were a sign of something more.
And that's fucked up.
I can now say, having experienced its effects, that nobody should ever under any circumstances be made to watch their significant other go on serious dates with somebody else and still be waiting for them when they come back. I know Dina will not physically cross any lines with this guy (and thankfully so- I have tremendous, crippling fears of a girlfriend having sexual affairs behind my back) but I would challenge even the most psychologically-hardened individual to relax while knowing that their partner is, at that exact moment, going out on a date with someone for whom they have strong feelings. I'm not sure I'll recover from the experience.
That neatly frames my current problem. Through our civil discussion she had confessed to me the details of her search for a soulmate, and in return I promised to take her back if she didn't find one.... but the it won't be the same.
The tapestry is ripped. The anguish that this affair has wrought upon my mind won't be easy enough to forget. Over the past few days I discovered how much I truly love her, and watched as those feelings were received into an endless cold void of indifference. As she casually and innocently informs me of her intention to stay, I can hardly bear the strain. I fear that for me to leave now, it would destroy her.
It is presumptuous of me to say that she won't be able to afford life on her own and that her spirit will be broken by the jobs she already has. She'll probably find a way to make ends meet and stay alive doing it. But I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to doubt herself again, and go back to the horrible, dark cycles of inward frustration that I spent so many long nights fighting against. I cannot face the idea that I could begin that chain reaction.
What shall I do? Can the relationship recover? Will I ever get to connect with the bright young woman she has become? Is there a painless way out of this? Will I ever feel the same as I did before this all started?
Am I a coward, or am I courageous?