(no subject)
Once upon a time I used to think writing thinsg down was a good thing. Then somewhere along the way, like everything else I stopped doing it. It became something I couldn't keep doing. It got swallowed up by my apathy too. Just like everything else. Sometimes I have these feelings of crippling emptiness. Which sounds dramatic but it's the best way to describe it. Most of the time I just keep going and hold it at bay. Just keep going and ignore it. I don't think I can do that anymore. Mainly because when the levy breaks I'm screwed. I've been crying pretty much straight for the last six of seven hours.
I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know how to go about getting help. I know my life isn't the life I want to be living. I don't know how to change that andd I get overwhelmed and so fucking afraif whenever something comes up to change anything I end up not doing anything. I'm always so fucking afraid. I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore. I'm afraid of too many things so I just live in fear of everything.
I honestly don't know how to function as a human in society. I don't like other people for the most part. People are mean and petty and I never see any good in anyone. Except for babies. Babies are cute and haven't yet learned or been taught to be horrible.
I'm not happy. I've never been happy for more then seconds at a time. I lost seventy fucking pounds and I thought it might make me happy but it didn't. I mean if that can't make me happy what can? I just don't see the point in anything anymore. I haven't in a long time. I'm too chicken shit to do anything but sit here and bawl and sob and hate myself. Cause I might hate everyone else too but I hate myself the most.
I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know how to go about getting help. I know my life isn't the life I want to be living. I don't know how to change that andd I get overwhelmed and so fucking afraif whenever something comes up to change anything I end up not doing anything. I'm always so fucking afraid. I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore. I'm afraid of too many things so I just live in fear of everything.
I honestly don't know how to function as a human in society. I don't like other people for the most part. People are mean and petty and I never see any good in anyone. Except for babies. Babies are cute and haven't yet learned or been taught to be horrible.
I'm not happy. I've never been happy for more then seconds at a time. I lost seventy fucking pounds and I thought it might make me happy but it didn't. I mean if that can't make me happy what can? I just don't see the point in anything anymore. I haven't in a long time. I'm too chicken shit to do anything but sit here and bawl and sob and hate myself. Cause I might hate everyone else too but I hate myself the most.