(no subject)
The self hatred, and the reluctance to mention it is important in explaining the Spring Concert. I've felt worthless for a long time, and I knew that I had to hide that. People won't like you if you don't give them a reason, and if you wear your heart on your sleeve and show them that you don't even like you, or that there's nothing to like, then you've got no chance. So I built walls, internally. I told myself that my feelings weren't important to anyone, even myself, and that I should never share them. I should never act solely on emotion, Data, and to a lesser extent Spock, had that much right at least. I'd gotten better at following that advice by the time I hit college. I also started drinking when I hit college. And like the social lubricant that it is, it helped me lower my walls. I never lied while drunk. I should've, I wish I had, but I didn't. I also didn't always stand up for what I should. I refer to it as impaired judgment. So the night of the spring concert, I was positively wrecked. I was shit-hammered. Dollar beers and no reason to stop. Also I was living on the other side of campus, which meant the walk home was fraught with open rooms to keep the party going. Including one upstairs from you, where I ended up because even hammered I was too nervous to knock on your door.
Upstairs I sat with some guys and got high. On top of the drink. It was a bad decision. I know it was a bad decision. But I wanted to fit in and be liked. They mentioned that they'd noticed me coming and going from your place and that I should keep my distance from you b/c you're bad people. I disagreed, but not particularly vehemently. I didn't stand up for you as much as I wish I had. I could've been a better friend that night, and tried to change their minds, but I didn't. What I did instead, was leave. I went downstairs to your room and burst in and said how I really felt about myself. All the things I wanted, oh so desperately, to keep hidden. I told you that I was no good, that I was horrible and worthless. I saw Dee and called her out, told you that she had seen it right away and couldn't figure out why you couldn't see it. I caused a huge, obnoxious, horrible scene in your room where I called you unobservant and really bagged on myself. And then when ya'll tried to comfort me, I grabbed my shame, and my self loathing, and I ran away. I'm still embarrassed about that whole night. And if I used it as a reason why I didn't wanna drink around you, it's because I feel horrible about it still. Yet another one of the unforgivable, inexcusable episodes in my life.
From that point on I knew the reason you were nice to me. I figured it out. And it made sense as being the only reason you'd been nice to me the whole time I'd known you. Pity. I don't want pity. I know I'm pitiable, but I don't want pity and it's not a good enough reason to spend time with someone. That's certainly part of why paying for things with you became such a big deal. It's also why I tried so often to break things off between us. But I'm to weak to be alone and I always came back, groveling, begging for another shot at your friendship, despite how rotten I am and how much I dislike myself. And because you're kind, generous, and overwhelmed with pity, you took me back. After Ocean's 12, you took me back. After China, you took me back. Always a much better person than I am, and much better than I deserved.
Valentine's day was, to me, not your most shining moment. That's been written about extensively. Primarily I was hurt. Badly. If you believe that emotions can hurt. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday, and has been since sophomore year of High School when Heather sent me a Valentine which included a picture of her, it was a sports pic. It meant the world to me. I must've slept with it under my pillow for a month. To date, it's the only Valentine I can remember receiving that wasn't forced. Also I like how different it is. Valentine's day isn't about getting drunk, it's not about remembering fallen comrades, and it's not about family, or being with people that you didn't get to choose. It's one of the only, if not _the_ only, holiday where you celebrate the people you choose to hang out with, the connections you've formed with someone that you hold in your heart more dearly than any others. People cry about it being a hallmark holiday, but then isn't thanksgiving just a turkey holiday, and halloween just a candy holiday and christmas just a present holiday and st patricks day just a beer holiday? People complain that if they wanna do something for someone they love they don't need a special day for it; but then why give presents on christmas, why give candy to children on halloween, why shoot fireworks on independence day? It's a great holiday, with a bad rep. And I started making plans for it in november when I was making our christmas plans.
Also, we had gone to that haunted house for halloween, b/c I knew it was important to you, and I figured you'd spend that day with me because it was important to me. But we'd had problems at the Super Bowl when, as my very first therapist put it, you tried to stay as far away from me as possible as much as possible. And you bailed on my favorite holiday without as much as a word of warning. That's no good, it's a bad thing, and as a bad person, it's what I deserved. That's not to say I wasn't mad, but once I took a couple days, I began to see how much I deserved to be treated like that, and I calmed down. Then I tried to reach you, to discuss things, because it was a pretty big deal, even if it was deserved, and that's where the real trouble began.
Even though you were living near by, even though you had said that if I needed to talk to a friend you'd be there for me, you left me hanging. You didn't answer my calls, you didn't respond to my e-mails, and you didn't reply to my tests, and that got me pretty hacked off again, pretty quickly. When we spoke you said you didn't respond well to demands, but I didn't start demanding things until after you'd completely ignored and blown off any polite requests I had tried to make. Then, when we did talk, it was over the phone. And it all went wrong. You accused me of inaccuracies and thoughtlessness and I was so flabbergasted that I was unable to respond. You said I fostered an air of ill will towards you. I always spoke well of you, I always stood up for you, regardless of who was saying anything and whether or not there was any chance it'd come back to you, I had your back. The exception being Valentine's Day, because I was not happy with how that played out. Any other time, any other situation I spoke so glowingly of you, that when we fought _everyone_ assumed I was at fault.
You also said that I could've called to confirm our plans at any time, and that you thought it was fair that you went off on your own b/c I hadn't. At that point I failed to remind you that you had asked me to give you space. You didn't wanna hang out every weekend and you didn't want me tying up your phone lines because you wanted to talk with friends from home. You'd been saying that for weeks and I was taking you seriously. I figured that if anything came up, you'd let me know, and that I should give you space til then. 10 days wasn't all that long between talking after all; not when you'd previously told me in an e-mail that you'd like to wait 2 months between spending time together.
We also blamed my trust issues. You told me that you couldn't keep proving that you were my friend and that I needed to trust you; I guess I thought I was displaying trust when I didn't call to confirm our plans. We'd set plans, I was giving you space, and I was trusting that you'd be there when the time came. It was very hard for me to do; but I knew it was important. I needed to do it to show you, the only person that I wanted to spend time with, that I wanted to be a better person for you. And you took it all, and made it a bad thing (completely reasonable, I am bad) and threw it back in my face.
Anyways, I hope you have a nice trip out of town. Dunno what you're doing, and as always I was too inconsiderate to ask. That's not true, I've just always respected your right to privacy and felt that if you had wanted to tell me what you were doing then you would. Presumably it's something fun for both your halloween and your birthday. Just a couple of final notes; please please squash this beef between us. I mean, release this animosity; don't let it be a part of your heart, or your life; you're better than that, always have been. Second, I still don't think we can be friends again, even if you find a way to let it go. There's too much history. Lastly, please understand that I was horrible and rotten and screwed up long before you came along; nothing you did caused it.
Final thought. You asked me what I wanted. When we spoke, you had asked me what I wanted from you and I was unable to answer. I recently found my answer, and it's still too much to ask for. At the time I had thought I might want love, or romance, or a girlfriend, and all of that had shamed me. Greatly. Now though, now I think that what I wanted from you, was a reason to like me. I had wanted you to teach me how to like mw, and why someone who is smart, and pretty, and talented, would do that. Because I've never been able to answer when people ask me to list the good things about me. I had really hoped that you could do that; and it was much too much to ask.
Sorry.
Upstairs I sat with some guys and got high. On top of the drink. It was a bad decision. I know it was a bad decision. But I wanted to fit in and be liked. They mentioned that they'd noticed me coming and going from your place and that I should keep my distance from you b/c you're bad people. I disagreed, but not particularly vehemently. I didn't stand up for you as much as I wish I had. I could've been a better friend that night, and tried to change their minds, but I didn't. What I did instead, was leave. I went downstairs to your room and burst in and said how I really felt about myself. All the things I wanted, oh so desperately, to keep hidden. I told you that I was no good, that I was horrible and worthless. I saw Dee and called her out, told you that she had seen it right away and couldn't figure out why you couldn't see it. I caused a huge, obnoxious, horrible scene in your room where I called you unobservant and really bagged on myself. And then when ya'll tried to comfort me, I grabbed my shame, and my self loathing, and I ran away. I'm still embarrassed about that whole night. And if I used it as a reason why I didn't wanna drink around you, it's because I feel horrible about it still. Yet another one of the unforgivable, inexcusable episodes in my life.
From that point on I knew the reason you were nice to me. I figured it out. And it made sense as being the only reason you'd been nice to me the whole time I'd known you. Pity. I don't want pity. I know I'm pitiable, but I don't want pity and it's not a good enough reason to spend time with someone. That's certainly part of why paying for things with you became such a big deal. It's also why I tried so often to break things off between us. But I'm to weak to be alone and I always came back, groveling, begging for another shot at your friendship, despite how rotten I am and how much I dislike myself. And because you're kind, generous, and overwhelmed with pity, you took me back. After Ocean's 12, you took me back. After China, you took me back. Always a much better person than I am, and much better than I deserved.
Valentine's day was, to me, not your most shining moment. That's been written about extensively. Primarily I was hurt. Badly. If you believe that emotions can hurt. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday, and has been since sophomore year of High School when Heather sent me a Valentine which included a picture of her, it was a sports pic. It meant the world to me. I must've slept with it under my pillow for a month. To date, it's the only Valentine I can remember receiving that wasn't forced. Also I like how different it is. Valentine's day isn't about getting drunk, it's not about remembering fallen comrades, and it's not about family, or being with people that you didn't get to choose. It's one of the only, if not _the_ only, holiday where you celebrate the people you choose to hang out with, the connections you've formed with someone that you hold in your heart more dearly than any others. People cry about it being a hallmark holiday, but then isn't thanksgiving just a turkey holiday, and halloween just a candy holiday and christmas just a present holiday and st patricks day just a beer holiday? People complain that if they wanna do something for someone they love they don't need a special day for it; but then why give presents on christmas, why give candy to children on halloween, why shoot fireworks on independence day? It's a great holiday, with a bad rep. And I started making plans for it in november when I was making our christmas plans.
Also, we had gone to that haunted house for halloween, b/c I knew it was important to you, and I figured you'd spend that day with me because it was important to me. But we'd had problems at the Super Bowl when, as my very first therapist put it, you tried to stay as far away from me as possible as much as possible. And you bailed on my favorite holiday without as much as a word of warning. That's no good, it's a bad thing, and as a bad person, it's what I deserved. That's not to say I wasn't mad, but once I took a couple days, I began to see how much I deserved to be treated like that, and I calmed down. Then I tried to reach you, to discuss things, because it was a pretty big deal, even if it was deserved, and that's where the real trouble began.
Even though you were living near by, even though you had said that if I needed to talk to a friend you'd be there for me, you left me hanging. You didn't answer my calls, you didn't respond to my e-mails, and you didn't reply to my tests, and that got me pretty hacked off again, pretty quickly. When we spoke you said you didn't respond well to demands, but I didn't start demanding things until after you'd completely ignored and blown off any polite requests I had tried to make. Then, when we did talk, it was over the phone. And it all went wrong. You accused me of inaccuracies and thoughtlessness and I was so flabbergasted that I was unable to respond. You said I fostered an air of ill will towards you. I always spoke well of you, I always stood up for you, regardless of who was saying anything and whether or not there was any chance it'd come back to you, I had your back. The exception being Valentine's Day, because I was not happy with how that played out. Any other time, any other situation I spoke so glowingly of you, that when we fought _everyone_ assumed I was at fault.
You also said that I could've called to confirm our plans at any time, and that you thought it was fair that you went off on your own b/c I hadn't. At that point I failed to remind you that you had asked me to give you space. You didn't wanna hang out every weekend and you didn't want me tying up your phone lines because you wanted to talk with friends from home. You'd been saying that for weeks and I was taking you seriously. I figured that if anything came up, you'd let me know, and that I should give you space til then. 10 days wasn't all that long between talking after all; not when you'd previously told me in an e-mail that you'd like to wait 2 months between spending time together.
We also blamed my trust issues. You told me that you couldn't keep proving that you were my friend and that I needed to trust you; I guess I thought I was displaying trust when I didn't call to confirm our plans. We'd set plans, I was giving you space, and I was trusting that you'd be there when the time came. It was very hard for me to do; but I knew it was important. I needed to do it to show you, the only person that I wanted to spend time with, that I wanted to be a better person for you. And you took it all, and made it a bad thing (completely reasonable, I am bad) and threw it back in my face.
Anyways, I hope you have a nice trip out of town. Dunno what you're doing, and as always I was too inconsiderate to ask. That's not true, I've just always respected your right to privacy and felt that if you had wanted to tell me what you were doing then you would. Presumably it's something fun for both your halloween and your birthday. Just a couple of final notes; please please squash this beef between us. I mean, release this animosity; don't let it be a part of your heart, or your life; you're better than that, always have been. Second, I still don't think we can be friends again, even if you find a way to let it go. There's too much history. Lastly, please understand that I was horrible and rotten and screwed up long before you came along; nothing you did caused it.
Final thought. You asked me what I wanted. When we spoke, you had asked me what I wanted from you and I was unable to answer. I recently found my answer, and it's still too much to ask for. At the time I had thought I might want love, or romance, or a girlfriend, and all of that had shamed me. Greatly. Now though, now I think that what I wanted from you, was a reason to like me. I had wanted you to teach me how to like mw, and why someone who is smart, and pretty, and talented, would do that. Because I've never been able to answer when people ask me to list the good things about me. I had really hoped that you could do that; and it was much too much to ask.
Sorry.