Forgiveness
I thought the subject might be enough to catch your attention; assuming you've come this far I suppose I should clarify that it's not something that I'm asking for, because to ask for it would be foolishness. Also because, by the time you get back from out of town and read this forgiveness will be the least of my concerns.
The past 20 months (yes, I've been keeping track of how long it's been since you've willingly interacted with me) have been rough. I lost the plot a bit. If I were the kind of person who used the backspace key for more than typos I'd delete that last sentence and magnify it. But what's done is done and there's no changing things. I just think that I...
The ellipsis is to represent hesitation. I can't particularly say that I'm thinking much right now, I've thought, and thought, and now, I suppose, I'm acting. In the worst possible way. I hate hate hate interrupting you at work. It's a cheap shot, a low blow, and you deserve better. On the other hand, the only other method I have of getting your attention is knocking on your door (assuming you haven't moved out of the basement you were living in and that I could find it again) and I'm a little afraid that if I did that you'd call the cops on me. Because you hate me. A lot. And I'm acknowledging that. I don't blame you for it, it's perfectly reasonable.
You need to let it go. Not for me. For you. It's not healthy to hold animosity in your heart. It's a bad thing. I'm not calling you bad, I'm just saying that everything from religion to star wars tells us that harboring ill will is bad. I'm not trying to be your friend again because, as I've previously written to you, i don't think I can.
I don't want to write to you. At all. I'd much rather, as I've tried to express to you multiple times, talk to you in person about this, but you won't let me. That is infuriating, it's frustrating, it's not infuriating in that it doesn't make me feel fury, but more that it seemed like a good word to use. I just feel like there are a ton of point of view problems keeping us apart. Well, I mean, I know it's your resentment of me that's literally keeping us apart, but I feel like that is primarily fueled by point of view problems and that if we just talked, face to face, man to man, we could resolve them. I could say things in person that I'd hate to write because I don't want there to be a written record of them to be thrown back in my face, I could say things in person that I can't on the phone because it's too easy to set a phone down and I'm horrible on the phone, absolutely horrible. I hate how only one person can talk at a time on the phone; that's not how a conversation is supposed to work in real life; there are times where both people need to be able to say things and express emotion and that's just not viable on the phone or over vent, or skype, or any other voice only long distance communication protocol. At least, not for me.
I kinda thought that a sizable preamble would make it easier to get to some more personal issues, but it hasn't. I wish I could find an easy way to minimize things, to just give you bullet points or the key issues as I see them, but I can't, because the whole subject is so complex. It's so complex that by the time I'm done writing it's not going to be able to fit in a single e-mail, it'll be a series of e-mails, all of which are walls of text, all of which can be deleted by clicking the delete button. Honestly, it's a series of e-mails that I'm not sure you'd be interested in. And it's all stuff, that I have to write down because you won't meet me and I think you need to know it.
The past 20 months (yes, I've been keeping track of how long it's been since you've willingly interacted with me) have been rough. I lost the plot a bit. If I were the kind of person who used the backspace key for more than typos I'd delete that last sentence and magnify it. But what's done is done and there's no changing things. I just think that I...
The ellipsis is to represent hesitation. I can't particularly say that I'm thinking much right now, I've thought, and thought, and now, I suppose, I'm acting. In the worst possible way. I hate hate hate interrupting you at work. It's a cheap shot, a low blow, and you deserve better. On the other hand, the only other method I have of getting your attention is knocking on your door (assuming you haven't moved out of the basement you were living in and that I could find it again) and I'm a little afraid that if I did that you'd call the cops on me. Because you hate me. A lot. And I'm acknowledging that. I don't blame you for it, it's perfectly reasonable.
You need to let it go. Not for me. For you. It's not healthy to hold animosity in your heart. It's a bad thing. I'm not calling you bad, I'm just saying that everything from religion to star wars tells us that harboring ill will is bad. I'm not trying to be your friend again because, as I've previously written to you, i don't think I can.
I don't want to write to you. At all. I'd much rather, as I've tried to express to you multiple times, talk to you in person about this, but you won't let me. That is infuriating, it's frustrating, it's not infuriating in that it doesn't make me feel fury, but more that it seemed like a good word to use. I just feel like there are a ton of point of view problems keeping us apart. Well, I mean, I know it's your resentment of me that's literally keeping us apart, but I feel like that is primarily fueled by point of view problems and that if we just talked, face to face, man to man, we could resolve them. I could say things in person that I'd hate to write because I don't want there to be a written record of them to be thrown back in my face, I could say things in person that I can't on the phone because it's too easy to set a phone down and I'm horrible on the phone, absolutely horrible. I hate how only one person can talk at a time on the phone; that's not how a conversation is supposed to work in real life; there are times where both people need to be able to say things and express emotion and that's just not viable on the phone or over vent, or skype, or any other voice only long distance communication protocol. At least, not for me.
I kinda thought that a sizable preamble would make it easier to get to some more personal issues, but it hasn't. I wish I could find an easy way to minimize things, to just give you bullet points or the key issues as I see them, but I can't, because the whole subject is so complex. It's so complex that by the time I'm done writing it's not going to be able to fit in a single e-mail, it'll be a series of e-mails, all of which are walls of text, all of which can be deleted by clicking the delete button. Honestly, it's a series of e-mails that I'm not sure you'd be interested in. And it's all stuff, that I have to write down because you won't meet me and I think you need to know it.