(no subject)
as i`m sitting here in my computer chair, i`m looking out into the rain and just thinking. i haven`t actually had that much time to think lately. i`ve been so wrapped up in everything else. i`ve just been feeling more, and more depressed lately. sometimes, i don`t even understand what it is that makes me cry. and other times - i know exactly what it is that`s haunting me. i often feel like im over reacting, but that`s not the case at all this time. it`s hard to try and make people understand that i`m not in a good mood all the time. people are just so used to the smiles, and laughs that they get from me each day. no one ever truly understands the fact that underneath everything, im hurting. im hurting for various reasons. one of many is the fact that people are too quick to make assumptions. they don`t realize that at times, the things they say to me really do affect me. some things really are hurtful. and sometimes, i just get the urge to break down and cry about it - but i just can`t let people see how weak i really am. it`s like i try so hard to be strong, but by trying - it only makes me weaker. am i wrong to keep trying? i`m not sure what the answer is. and to be honest, i`m not sure what the answer is to a lot of things. mike for instance. i feel like i`m betraying him, or i`m hurting him in some way because i`m moving on. i feel guilty. i know i shouldn`t but i can`t help but feel like it`s my fault for not having a friendship with him. it`s been tearing me apart lately. i know what i want. and it`s not to be with him, i just can`t help but give in to what he wants. and what makes everything worse, is the constant fights between my parents. it doesn`t stop. i`m sick of it all. i just wish they would get divorced already. that would just make this house a little bit more peaceful. okay, well i sound like a baby now don`t i. bitching and complaining about every little damn thing. o well.