wow.
hmm well im in the library at school. i got out of second period because i finished all my work and there was nothing that i could do. so she let me come here. hmph. well i talked to mike this morning. hes really pissed at me. he has every right to be though. i cant even believe i just said that. but yea its true. ive been pushing him away from me and i dont know what the reason for it is. its like our "ever after" isnt all that i thought it would be. eh, but thats just the way it is huh. nothing ever comes out perfect. i just get myself overwhelmed with so many things. guys, school, friends. its all routine. a very exhausting one at that. i barely ever have time for myself. i dont even have time to just, think. im not even sure what i want. i thought i knew, but i dont. its all like a never ending cycle. i fall in love, get my heart broken or break someone elses, and then i bitch about it. i thought mike was what i wanted. i was almost positive - and then i met keith. everything changed after that. maybe im being selfish. im putting mike through so much. i know he doesnt deserve it - but i think i deserve to be happy for once. im not as happy with him as i thought i would be. but then, what if we broke up? would i be happy? would i want to be with keith? i hate not knowing what the right decision is. i try not to have regrets, but i cant help it. i cant picture myself without mike, but at the same time i cant see myself being with him. he tells me he loves me, but how can he? ive been putting him through so much and yes, i admit - ive been a huge bitch. i really just wish he could understand my thinking for once. no one does. but how can he if i dont understand myself. its weird. i mean, i thought i loved him. maybe i do. but if i did.. would i bve questioning "us" like this. everything was so perfect. and i ruined it. i dont know what to do. im so lucky to actually have two guys - and at the same time, im hurting. im hurting for mike whos not understanding, and i hurt for keith whos wasting his time on something that might not even work out. wow, i dont even know if any of this makes sense at all. i dont care. this is what im feeling, and it makes me who i am. im a confused, outgoing person who just wants to understand herself, and basically everything thats going on. call me a drama queen - go ahead. cuz then i guess, thats what i am. well, the bells going to ring. ill write when i get home.
p.s. join my community please.