(no subject)
ben, you are my badger. You live in a deep tunnel in the side of a hill. You are featured in the books of Brian Jacques.
Jessie and I make up stories. Here are some of the stories:
Jim is the world's *greatest* dad. He is a german shepherd head on a gigantic pair of human hands. He is married and has one son. It's not entirely clear how he and his wife reproduced. Jim does not go to the bathroom. He speaks French. He runs around and barks "rowr rowr" (he is French) and bothers people. He goes to PTA meetings. At church the minister has to yell over his constant barking. His wife makes him wear a tie to church so that he looks nice. Jim isn't really his name, it's just the name his wife gave to him. It's not clear how they met, but she doesn't notice that he's a horrible freak of nature. At night he barks sometimes, but she sleeps through it. Jim goes to father/son picnics and chases people around. He is the world's greatest dad.
**Update** Jim is also going to be what we teach our future children to believe in instead of Jesus. Jim was God's only begotten son. He died for your sins. (Jim died in the world trade center. He was running around barking and then the plane hit the building and he died. They never recovered the body because his wife described him as a normal man. ) The holy trinity is Father, Jim, and Holy Ghost.
Also, "special people" (tards) are scared of Jim, and he does not like them. he chases them. This is his only flaw, but he remains the world's greatest dad.
We will never forget Jim, the world's greatest dad.
Patty Clap is a whore. She shakes it at the bus depot for nickels and other loose change. She has 23 venereal diseases. She has a cast on her arm, and horrible, paper-bag breasts. Her mouth is all liney, and wrinkled, and she is missing teeth. She wears bright red lipstick that seeps into the lines around her mouth like an old lady. Patty Clap has a green discharge. She offers free smells and tastes of her "patty pie" to passers-by. Her discharge is the consistency of pudding, but is full of grit, and lumps that feel like cold clams. Patty Clap wears stretch pants.
The fox in the snow is the saddest song ever. (Rasputina version.) But the real fox in the snow can talk. He's a cunning little fox. if you ask him "where do you go; to find something you can eat' he says "KFC."
The fox in the snow at KFC:
Fox: Hello. Give me chickens.
Clerk: ...
Fox: i need a bucket of chickens.
Clerk: you're a fox!
Fox:...
Clerk: ....
Fox: ...
Clerk: ...
Fox: I don't see my chickens.
Clerk: Do you have any money to pay for chicken?
Fox:...
Clerk: ...
Fox: I thought KFC stood for "Kentucky Fried Chicken' not "Kentucky Fried Chatter."
Clerk: ...you're a talking fox.
Fox: I need to speak to your manager.
- - - - - -
Clerk: Sir/ There's a fox here to see you.
Manager:... what?
Clerk: There's a fox here who wants to speak to you.
(Fox comes in and seats himself.)
Fox: Hello. I ordered chickens from you and your staff was very unhelpful. I would like to file a written complaint, but alas, i have no hands.
- - -
Orchid is lord morpheus. She can fly. She wears a cape and a helm, like the sandman comic book, and grants boons. She has a gambling problem. She goes to the track. She celebrates Snakesmas, a day when everyone gets snake socks, which are regular white socks that orchid calls snake socks. She is preparing for her "ascension." Orchid writes bad checks.
My mom's dog, Bailey, (my mom spells it "Bayleigh", grr,) has bird flu. She's ashamed because she has bird flu. She also has a gambling problem, and writes bad checks.
(gross-out alert. Do not read the following paragraph if you do not want to get sick.)
Jar Jar binks has a glowy cat penis. It's really scary. He is clearly a pedophile. He also likes to eat feces. He hangs around public restrooms waiting for people to crap, then he sneaks in and gobbles it up, right out of the bowl. He grins really, really wide, when he's excited about getting to eat "flapjacks," which is what he calls poop. Jar jar loves his flapjacks. Sometimes someone will come out of the bathroom and he'll be waiting *right there.* They'll say, "sorry, jar jar, I just had to pee" and then he looks crestfallen. he mopes around the house, and then he touches anakin skywalker with his disturbing hands. (This is supposed to be kind of gross, by the way.)
We decided that if we ran the world, instead of having problems with depression and anxiety, the national mental health problem would be believing that you are Teddy Roosevelt. "Bully! Bully! I'm Teddy, not you!" These poor deluded folks would dress up as Roosevelt and get into fights over who was actually him. Eventually there would only be one; the last roosevelt standing.
Also, when the Planeteers from "Captain Planet" combine their forces, they don't summon Captain Planet.
They summon Wlliam Howard Taft. "By your powers combined, I am: WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT"
this is what Jessie and I do all day.
Stuff that happened this weekend:
We went to the comic book store, and looked at comic books and manga and toys. Jessie bought issues of "the witching" which has pretty goth girls in it. I bought issues of the Flash and the new Planetary. Holy shit! Eyeball mutilation!
we ate at the Hamburg and I had the best fucking vegetable soup I've ever had. I love that place, and will make myself eat there more, instead of the fucking union with their crap food. I also had the clam basket. The service was awful because the guy was waiting on us. He forgot Jessie's ranch dressing, and we did not get refills frequently on our drinks.
I had bad gas all weekend.
I cut the shit out of my thumb opening a lipstick container. However, it was really good lipstick, so i feel ok about that.
I hosted my first drag show! I don't have pictures back yet, but i looked fucking fantastic, despite some last minute costume revisions. My black dress that we fixed up *that day* was incredibly sexy and wonderful. In a previous life i was a goth girl, and a sexy one, too. I have new, red eyeshadow.
The president of lgbtqa, a fucker by nature, who thought he would win the drag show, did not bring his own wig and had to borrow two of mine. He glared at Jessie. He is a foul, unpleasant boy who drinks Popov because he's an asshole. He lives in a frat, he can afford better. Once again, *no party* after the drag show, so we just went to des moines with Ben and Brian and got drunk at the bar. We got awfully drunk, actually, then drove home to Iowa City. We listened to 80s music the whole way. i only drove 25 minutes before we had to stop to get cupcakes and food. We were totally unsafe to drive, and i don't remember most of the drive because 100% of my attention was on staying between the lines.
I fixed my sink all by myself!
Jessie: You're so girly!
Me: i just fixed the sink! Can't I have a guy moment?
Jessie: You were listening to Tiffany while you were fixing it.
Me: (pout)
i took Jessie out to the bars in Iowa City for the first (legit) time. We went to the Mill, where i drank Sierra Nevada, the deadwood, where I drank more sierra nevada, and then we went to the gay bar in time to buy Jessie a rum and coke and myself a crap budweiser. Our gay bar is pretty crap, but meh. Jessie prefers really girly drinks, but she will drink beer, so I have decided to not break up with her. Next time she's here, I am planning an excursion to my "b" list bars like the Q, Hammerhands (also known as O'Hallorans or some shit,) the Dublin, the Atlas, Joe's, and the piano bar, where my sister and i laughed heartily at the guy playing Billy Joel covers, whilst she drank a Budweiser. The paino bar, FYI, is the coolest temperatured bar in Iowa City during the summer, and it is in an alley.
Jessie and I did laundry. Jill totally walked in on us making out! oh my!! Then we watched Jack Frost while everybody fell asleep.
i made my fake chicken thing, most delicious of all dishes. We messed up my apartment.
We went shopping and bought ladies clothing, an attractive lady/cookie jar, and easter candies. i really want to color eggs this year, and then eat those sumbitches.
I'm out of steam. A lot more happened. i had a dream that i broke into Bil Keane's, the late writer of family circus, to Bil Keane's house and tried to access files on his computer. i hate that motherfucker. Also, there were giant leeches in another dream, and the next night I had a dream about Angel from buffy the vampire slayer, where he said something like "what do i look like?" and i answered "i know what you look like.' He was wearing a bunch of glittery eye makeup and stuff. Angel looks like a homo. observe his hair and clothing. But not a sexy homo. Also, he has the worst Irish accent ever!!
the end for now