How Cara Saved More than One World
Title: How Cara Saved More than One World
Pairing: Jennsen/Denna, Richard/Kahlan, Keeper/Creator, Vader/Padme
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None really.
Warnings: Crack, with a side of crack.
Summary: Cara has a plan to help, well everyone. Team Evil has a meeting.
A/N: This is major crack and there are more cross overs than you can shake a stick at. It also showes the world just how big a sci-fi nerd I really am.
“This is the first weekly meeting of Team Evil.” A pretty redhead chirped from the podium.
“Jennsen, why are you here?” A voice drawled from the back. “You were with Richard last time I looked.”
Jennsen blinked at her brother. “Richard won’t accept my new girlfriend. Keeps muttering something about her almost torturing him into killing Kahlan.” She waved her hand in a dismissive wave. “He didn’t so I don’t know what his problem is.”
“You and Denna?” Rahl questioned, blinking.
Jennsen put her hands on her hips, eyes narrowing into slits. “You have a problem with that?” She demanded.
Quickly he shook his head. “No just surprised.”
“As touching as this family reunion, do you think we could move this along?” A British voice drawled.
Jennsen looked at the man wearing a suit and tie...the same suit and tie he had been wearing the last time she had seen him at registration. She flipped though the papers they had all signed. She frowned when she saw his registration form.
“I don’t seem to know your language. There’s just a circle with a bunch of wiggly lines in it.”
“You can call me...The Master.”
Jennsen stared at the man. “Right.”
“Enough! All of you bow before the Keeper.” A disembodied voice thundered.
“Wait your turn!” Jennsen thundered right back.
“How dare you! Wait until I get you into my realm, for all will feel the Keeper’s call.”
“I won’t!” Another man hissed.
Jennsen looked into red eyes of a...snake man.
“Tom Riddle?” Jennsen said, consulting her papers.
“No! I am Lord Voldemort! And I will never die!”
“Yes, you will.” The Keeper bellowed.
“No I won’t.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Be quiet!” Jennsen shouted before they could really get a good steam going.
“Who says you’re the boss?” Rahl demanded. “I am the elder brother.”
There was a smattering of muttering from each party, which was highlighted by the Keeper bellowing that if it wasn’t for him no one here would even exist.
“I say Jennsen is the boss.” A new voice said.
Denna marched up next to Jennsen, in full Mord’Sith regalia, one hand absently stroking her Agiel. It didn’t take long for the others to quiet into a respectful chorus of “Yes, Mistress.”
Jennsen bit her lip, pointed to a nearby closet and mouthed “After.” Denna smiled and nodded.
“Since we’re all new, I think we should get to know one another. What we want, who are arch nemesis is, and all that.” She pointed to Voldemort. “You can go first.”
Sulkily Voldemort went up the podium.
“I am Lord Voldemort. I want to be the supreme ruler of the wizarding world and kill all muggles, half bloods, mudbloods and mudblood lovers, werewolves, centaurs, vampires, giants, and any miscellanies magical creatures that look even remotely human. This would leave about sixty people alive worldwide, maybe. Oh and I want to live forever. My arch nemesis is a little boy with stupid glasses and messy hair. I tried to kill him when he was a baby, but his mother got in the way. I killed her, but some stupid magic protected the kid. Since then him and bunch of kids barely out of nappies have been kicking my arse every year.”
There was a long moment of silence then:
Rahl: I feel your pain. Killing babies is tougher than it looks. And kids are sneaky; you never know when they’ll sneak right past trained soldiers with a very important box.
Master: You do realize by limiting the gene pool so much you’re insuring the rapid decline of your race, right? Right! Please tell me you wizards (aliens) are so stupid you don’t know basic genetics. Repeat after me: “Inbreeding is bad.”
The Keeper: Everyone dies, even you!
Voldemort whipped out his wand.
Denna strode forward holding her Agiel out. “Mine’s bigger, now sit down before I show you how good I am with it.”
Voldemort slunk off.
Jennsen bit her lip again.
“Master, your turn.”
With cocky assurance the Master took the podium.
“I am the Master and I want total universal domination. Unlike snake face there, I won’t eliminate every species so I have no one to bow down and worship the genius that is me. My arch nemesis is the Doctor. Right now he’s a self righteous snot, who is so busy moping about his girlfriend being pulled into an alternative world he doesn’t realize that the hot chick is throwing herself at him. But I have to admit that he has great hair that I just want to run my fingers though. And when I suggestion a threesome with my wife he just scoffed at me. Me! But I got back at him; I shrunk him into a gnome and put him in a cage. Of course I masked the real reason by taunting Martha. And you know what? He didn’t even say thank you after I went to all the trouble of making him a little suit! It took me hours to hand stitch it! Bastard!”
There was a long silence then:
Voldemort: Dumbledore was gay too! That means all gay people are just like him! They must die!
Rahl: What kind of suit? Because I think I need a new tailor, I know the House of Rahl really digs the red and black, but I was thinking I might want to change my look a little.
The Keeper: You were almost in my embrace that time, Master! Soon, you will be.
The Master pulled out his laser screwdriver, brandishing it around.
“Mine’s still bigger.” Denna said.
The Master sniffed then quickly returned to his seat.
Jennsen noted the time, wondering what was taking their special guests. And of course their last member.
“Keeper, you’re next.”
An ominous green fire appeared in front of the podium.
“I am the Keeper. I want to extinguish all life. And I want my beloved Creator back. She also happens to be my arch nemesis. She trapped me away forever, just because I killed our children, it’s very unreasonable of her.”
There was a long silence then:
The Master: So what, you think killing all her children will make her forgive you? That’s an even worst way of coping than the Doctor had and he committed genocide a few times.
Rahl: Master, you are as wise as you are evil. No, not you, you British twit, the Keeper!
Voldemort: Does everyone have a girlfriend, but me?!
“You will all die!” The Keeper shouted before he disappeared.
Denna seemed disappointed that she didn’t get the chance to threaten anyone with her agiel.
So did Jennsen.
“Rahl, you’re next.” Jennsen said.
With far more flair than any of the others Rahl went up to the podium.
“I am Lord Rahl. I want to unite the Midlands with D'Hara so there is piece and prosperity for all. I also want the Mother Confessor as my wife, but she’s in love with my brother, who actually happens to be my arch nemesis. I haven’t seen much of them lately probably off making moon eyes at each other since they can’t actually do anything else. Sometimes, when I take my medication, all I want is to have my brother bow down and serve me so we can be one big happy family. But when I forget to take my medication, I remember that he’s always screwing up my plans. First he didn’t die when he was a baby, like I wanted him to. Second he stole my boxes of Orden. Third he killed me. Fourth, he stole my favourite Mord’Sith. Fifth, he won’t let me be the hero, not even once. Sixth, even though they can’t be married, (technically we weren’t married) he stole my wife! And seventh, he ruins every evil plan I have! Sure I get a few victories here and there, but he ruins everything for me.” Rahl’s eyes flared with remembrance. “Oh, and our father likes him better. Just because I killed him, why does he have to like Richard better?!”
There was a long moment of silence then:
Voldemort: I killed my whole family too. It never works out the way you want it. Try getting a pet; chicks really dig giant, man eating snakes. Well Bellatrix always said she liked her.
Master: The Doctor destroyed our whole planet and they still like him better than me! I mean they tried to kill him too, but still! So not fair.
The Keeper: I thought you wanted to destroy all life, Rahl?
“I do hope you’re not planning on threatening me with your agiel, Denna. It won’t work on me.”
Denna smiled.
“Get off the stage or I’ll tell everyone about the kitten.” Jennsen threatened.
Rahl paled and nearly fell flat on his face trying to get off the stage.
Denna bit her lip, staring longingly at the closet.
The doors burst open violently and the sound of harsh, mechanical breathing filled the room.
“Ah, our last member has arrived at last.” Jennsen said. “We’ve just been introducing ourselves, who our arch nemesis is, what we want. You’re next.”
The dark figure swept up with a heavy, limping gait.
“I am Darth Vader. I want to wipe out every enemy of the Emperor. Everything bad that has happened to me because of the man who I thought of as my father and brother is Obi Wan. I hate Obi Wan! He took everything from me. My wife, our child, my body. I hate him! Next time I see him, I’m going to stab him! Stab him dead!”
There was a short pause then:
The Master: Fascinating piece of life support. I could do better, of course, but for a primitive species, fascinating!
Voldemort: And I thought I was the freak here.
The Keeper: I have your wife!
Rahl: I just realized something. We all have major issues. We should change our name from Team Evil to Team Issues and Mildly Incompetent.
Vader started to Force choke everyone until Jennsen came up behind him and wacked the back of his helmet with her clipboard.
“Behave!”
Vader might have said “Don’t wanna” but it was hard to tell with the helmet, but he laboriously moved his armoured body off the stage to stand ominously behind the Master. It wasn’t a great idea because the Master turned in his chair and was poking around the chest plate. Vader shoved the Master with enough force that he toppled off his chair. He sprang up and started to attack Vader, but when he tried to shove Vader he didn’t even make the man sway.
“I have no need to engage in primitive fisticuffs with primitive beings.” He said loftily.
Jennsen waited until the Master had seated himself again before she started to speak.
“Unfortunately we didn’t get the turn out we wanted but the Romulans were too paranoid, the Borg tried to assimilate me, the Goa'uld tried to use the ribbon device on me and Denna had to kill a few before they ran away screaming ‘Kree!’ But I think we have the cream of the crop here with us today.”
Once again the door slammed open, only this time it was Cara, dressed in red leather, yanking Richard and Kahlan along behind her. There were several dozen Mord’Sith who seemed confused as to why they were being dragged along. In addition to them there was a boy wearing round glasses and hair that seemed to be sticking out in every possible direction. A woman with very long hair carrying two small bundles in her arms. A skinny man wearing chucks and a pinstripe suit, also with hair that was in every direction. Maia, still wearing her silvery dress was still there. In the very back, with two Mord’Sith holding her arms was a middle aged woman wearing flannel pyjamas and bunny slippers.
“Harry Potter!” Voldemort hissed.
“Padmé!” Darth Vader rasped.
“Doctor!” The Master said, equal parts delight and anger in his tone.
“Creator!” The Keeper said, nothing but longing in his tone.
“Richard!” Rahl drawled. “And my sweet Kahlan and Cara.”
Cara ignored everyone as she marched straight to Voldemort. The- man-wizard- snake-thingy? And snapped a rada’han around his neck.
“There, that’s taken care of now.” She said with relish.
She went back to the small group and retrieved the frazzled looking woman in her PJ’s and grabbed Myra with her free hand.
“Keeper, Creator, this is Dr. Blue, she’s a renowned couple’s councillor. She’s been able to help people with bigger issues than yours.”
Once again Cara went back to the group and the woman with the babies was gently drawn forward.
“This is your wife, she doesn’t like that you’re evil. Discuss.”
Cara turned to one of the Mord’Sith.
“Rikka, this is man I was telling you about. He’s all yours, I’m sure he’ll make a fine Mord’Sith mate.” Cara said with a jerk of her thumb towards the Master. Cara leaned forward to whisper. “You can make him wear pink dresses.”
Rikka looked delighted.
Cara strode up to Rahl, hands on her hips. “Now for you.” She whirled around. “My Sister’s of the Agile, this man before you might be the spirit of Lord Rahl, but not what is important. His blood. I ask you, my sisters if this man died would your agiel cease to work? No, because this man does not have the Rahl blood. He wields no magic. Our Lord Rahl is none other than Richard Rahl, the Seeker of Truth.”
“He has no more magic.” Rahl pointed out.
Cara smirked over her shoulder.
“Oh yeah? Then how else would he be able to be with the Mother Confessor?”
“Be with?” Rahl said.
He looked at Kahlan closely, noting her tousled hair, her clothes mussed, and most damaging of all was she had lost that uptight hadn’t-been-laid-ever look.
Cara was obviously smug. “Been going at it like bunnies.”
“Cara!” Richard and Kahlan yelled in unison.
“You stole my wife!” Rahl yelled.
Richard blinked. “What? No I didn’t!”
“We were married in that alternative time line! We had a son!”
“How do you know?”
“The Keeper told me!”
“Well that will never happen now, now will it. Kahlan and I are going to be married.”
With a shout Rahl launched himself at Richard, taking them both to the ground in a mass of limbs.
Cara sidled up to Kahlan. “Did he ask you to marry him?”
“No.” Kahlan said, watching as her apparently future husband wrestled with her not-husband.
“Are you going to marry him?”
Kahlan nodded. “If he asks me.”
Cara nodded.
“Whoever wins, is Lord Rahl?” Cara called to the other Mord’Sith.
“Agreed.” They answered.
“We’re going to be sisters?” Jennsen asked.
“If he actually asks me.” Kahlan said again, neatly sidestepping a flailing arm as the two brothers rolling around on the ground.
“You know if they weren’t brothers watching two handsome men rolling around on the ground getting sweaty might be the perfect recipe for a good night.” Denna said. When everyone looked at her she shrugged. “I’m just saying.”
Jennsen shook her head. “Speaking of a good night, you owe me some time in the closet over there.” Jennsen mused, grabbing Denna’s hand and yanking her away.
Somehow their departure to the closet and the ensuing giggling seemed to penetrate the two wrestling men and the stopped their fighting.
“Do you find that as disturbing as I do, brother?” Rahl questioned.
Richard, who had a holding a large hank of his brother’s hair nodded. “She tortured me.”
“I tortured her.”
“I guess it makes sense that Jennsen should get her. The Mord’Sith serves the House of Rahl. Usually not the female members, but still.”
“Jennsen would be good for her, I guess.”
“I suppose so. But I need a Mord’Sith too. She has Denna, you have Cara and all I have is the dregs.”
There was total and complete silence, no one dared make a sound. Rahl turned slowly, hoping against hope that the other Mord’Sith hadn’t heard him.
“We choose the Seeker as Lord Rahl.” Rikka said coldly.
All the Mord’Sith nodded in unison.
“We will go back to the People’s Palace and inform everyone of the change. If anyone wants to disagree with our decision we will...take care of them.” Rikka said, before, with a final glare at Rahl, spun around and marched off, taking her sisters, and a squawking Master) with her.
Richard blinked. “Does this mean I’m Lord Rahl?”
Cara smirked down at him. “It would be very unwise of you to disagree with them.”
Richard nodded meekly.
Behind them, someone cleared their throat. Cara turned to face the stick thin man wearing the suit.
“Ah yes, forgive me, but what just happened here?”
“Yes, Cara, please tell me just what is going on?” Richard demanded, still holding onto his brother’s hair.
“I was trying to help Jennsen.”
“Help Jennsen how?”
“It hurt her feelings that you didn’t accept Denna.” Cara said simply.
Richard looked at the other in the room.
“What about the rest of these....people.”
“Tell me; do want someone to protect her against anyone and everyone?”
“Yes.”
“Hey you, Snakeface!”
Voldemort turned red eyes glowing.
“Denna, the one in red leather, were you afraid of her?”
He scowled. “I am the Dark Lord; the mere mention of my name brings terror to others. I fear no one.”
Cara cocked her head. “Should I call her back?”
“NO!” Panic tinged his reptilian face. “Fine! I’m afraid of her! I’d rather go to Azkaban than have to be near her again.”
Cara’s smile was smug. “Who better than Denna to protect the sister of Lord Rahl? Even other Mord’Sith feared the touch of her agiel.”
Richard thought about that, nodding absently.
“And clearly they love each other. And what is more important than that?”
Richard sighed gustily. “You’re right, of course.”
Cara smirked. “Of course I am.”
“But what about the Master?” The skinny man demanded in a high voice.
Cara smiled. “He won’t be able to case any more trouble. His new mistress will see to that.”
“But, but, but-”
“But what?” Cara said impatiently.
“But he’s dangerous.”
“So is Rikka.”
“What about Voldemort?” The boy with the glasses asked.
“He’s got the rada'han on he can’t use magic, but if you’re that worried-” Cara snatched the wand out of Voldemort’s robe, threw it on the ground and crushed it beneath her boot heel. “There.”
Harry blinked in astonishment. “You mean you defeated him? But, I’m supposed to defeat him.”
Cara smiled. “Never send a boy to do a Mord’Sith’s job.”
Harry blushed, stammered something about being busy and ran off.
“Will you get off me and let go of my damned hair!” Rahl bellowed.
Richard seemed to only then realize that he still gripped his brother’s hair and let go of him.
“What should we do about them?” Kahlan said pointing to the Keeper and Maia who arguing with a harried looking Dr. Blue, then to Vader and Padmé, who were cooing over their children. Everyone frowned at hearing the mechanical voice cooing over a baby.
“Leave them, the Keeper and the Creator can argue forever, at least that way they won’t be making trouble for the world. And the other two seem happy with their kids.”
“What about Rahl?” Richard questioned.
Cara’s smile was both malicious and smug.
“He’s very pretty. I say we sell him to a brothel.”
Rahl blinked. “What?”
Kahlan and Richard smiled and nodded.
The end.
Pairing: Jennsen/Denna, Richard/Kahlan, Keeper/Creator, Vader/Padme
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None really.
Warnings: Crack, with a side of crack.
Summary: Cara has a plan to help, well everyone. Team Evil has a meeting.
A/N: This is major crack and there are more cross overs than you can shake a stick at. It also showes the world just how big a sci-fi nerd I really am.
“This is the first weekly meeting of Team Evil.” A pretty redhead chirped from the podium.
“Jennsen, why are you here?” A voice drawled from the back. “You were with Richard last time I looked.”
Jennsen blinked at her brother. “Richard won’t accept my new girlfriend. Keeps muttering something about her almost torturing him into killing Kahlan.” She waved her hand in a dismissive wave. “He didn’t so I don’t know what his problem is.”
“You and Denna?” Rahl questioned, blinking.
Jennsen put her hands on her hips, eyes narrowing into slits. “You have a problem with that?” She demanded.
Quickly he shook his head. “No just surprised.”
“As touching as this family reunion, do you think we could move this along?” A British voice drawled.
Jennsen looked at the man wearing a suit and tie...the same suit and tie he had been wearing the last time she had seen him at registration. She flipped though the papers they had all signed. She frowned when she saw his registration form.
“I don’t seem to know your language. There’s just a circle with a bunch of wiggly lines in it.”
“You can call me...The Master.”
Jennsen stared at the man. “Right.”
“Enough! All of you bow before the Keeper.” A disembodied voice thundered.
“Wait your turn!” Jennsen thundered right back.
“How dare you! Wait until I get you into my realm, for all will feel the Keeper’s call.”
“I won’t!” Another man hissed.
Jennsen looked into red eyes of a...snake man.
“Tom Riddle?” Jennsen said, consulting her papers.
“No! I am Lord Voldemort! And I will never die!”
“Yes, you will.” The Keeper bellowed.
“No I won’t.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Be quiet!” Jennsen shouted before they could really get a good steam going.
“Who says you’re the boss?” Rahl demanded. “I am the elder brother.”
There was a smattering of muttering from each party, which was highlighted by the Keeper bellowing that if it wasn’t for him no one here would even exist.
“I say Jennsen is the boss.” A new voice said.
Denna marched up next to Jennsen, in full Mord’Sith regalia, one hand absently stroking her Agiel. It didn’t take long for the others to quiet into a respectful chorus of “Yes, Mistress.”
Jennsen bit her lip, pointed to a nearby closet and mouthed “After.” Denna smiled and nodded.
“Since we’re all new, I think we should get to know one another. What we want, who are arch nemesis is, and all that.” She pointed to Voldemort. “You can go first.”
Sulkily Voldemort went up the podium.
“I am Lord Voldemort. I want to be the supreme ruler of the wizarding world and kill all muggles, half bloods, mudbloods and mudblood lovers, werewolves, centaurs, vampires, giants, and any miscellanies magical creatures that look even remotely human. This would leave about sixty people alive worldwide, maybe. Oh and I want to live forever. My arch nemesis is a little boy with stupid glasses and messy hair. I tried to kill him when he was a baby, but his mother got in the way. I killed her, but some stupid magic protected the kid. Since then him and bunch of kids barely out of nappies have been kicking my arse every year.”
There was a long moment of silence then:
Rahl: I feel your pain. Killing babies is tougher than it looks. And kids are sneaky; you never know when they’ll sneak right past trained soldiers with a very important box.
Master: You do realize by limiting the gene pool so much you’re insuring the rapid decline of your race, right? Right! Please tell me you wizards (aliens) are so stupid you don’t know basic genetics. Repeat after me: “Inbreeding is bad.”
The Keeper: Everyone dies, even you!
Voldemort whipped out his wand.
Denna strode forward holding her Agiel out. “Mine’s bigger, now sit down before I show you how good I am with it.”
Voldemort slunk off.
Jennsen bit her lip again.
“Master, your turn.”
With cocky assurance the Master took the podium.
“I am the Master and I want total universal domination. Unlike snake face there, I won’t eliminate every species so I have no one to bow down and worship the genius that is me. My arch nemesis is the Doctor. Right now he’s a self righteous snot, who is so busy moping about his girlfriend being pulled into an alternative world he doesn’t realize that the hot chick is throwing herself at him. But I have to admit that he has great hair that I just want to run my fingers though. And when I suggestion a threesome with my wife he just scoffed at me. Me! But I got back at him; I shrunk him into a gnome and put him in a cage. Of course I masked the real reason by taunting Martha. And you know what? He didn’t even say thank you after I went to all the trouble of making him a little suit! It took me hours to hand stitch it! Bastard!”
There was a long silence then:
Voldemort: Dumbledore was gay too! That means all gay people are just like him! They must die!
Rahl: What kind of suit? Because I think I need a new tailor, I know the House of Rahl really digs the red and black, but I was thinking I might want to change my look a little.
The Keeper: You were almost in my embrace that time, Master! Soon, you will be.
The Master pulled out his laser screwdriver, brandishing it around.
“Mine’s still bigger.” Denna said.
The Master sniffed then quickly returned to his seat.
Jennsen noted the time, wondering what was taking their special guests. And of course their last member.
“Keeper, you’re next.”
An ominous green fire appeared in front of the podium.
“I am the Keeper. I want to extinguish all life. And I want my beloved Creator back. She also happens to be my arch nemesis. She trapped me away forever, just because I killed our children, it’s very unreasonable of her.”
There was a long silence then:
The Master: So what, you think killing all her children will make her forgive you? That’s an even worst way of coping than the Doctor had and he committed genocide a few times.
Rahl: Master, you are as wise as you are evil. No, not you, you British twit, the Keeper!
Voldemort: Does everyone have a girlfriend, but me?!
“You will all die!” The Keeper shouted before he disappeared.
Denna seemed disappointed that she didn’t get the chance to threaten anyone with her agiel.
So did Jennsen.
“Rahl, you’re next.” Jennsen said.
With far more flair than any of the others Rahl went up to the podium.
“I am Lord Rahl. I want to unite the Midlands with D'Hara so there is piece and prosperity for all. I also want the Mother Confessor as my wife, but she’s in love with my brother, who actually happens to be my arch nemesis. I haven’t seen much of them lately probably off making moon eyes at each other since they can’t actually do anything else. Sometimes, when I take my medication, all I want is to have my brother bow down and serve me so we can be one big happy family. But when I forget to take my medication, I remember that he’s always screwing up my plans. First he didn’t die when he was a baby, like I wanted him to. Second he stole my boxes of Orden. Third he killed me. Fourth, he stole my favourite Mord’Sith. Fifth, he won’t let me be the hero, not even once. Sixth, even though they can’t be married, (technically we weren’t married) he stole my wife! And seventh, he ruins every evil plan I have! Sure I get a few victories here and there, but he ruins everything for me.” Rahl’s eyes flared with remembrance. “Oh, and our father likes him better. Just because I killed him, why does he have to like Richard better?!”
There was a long moment of silence then:
Voldemort: I killed my whole family too. It never works out the way you want it. Try getting a pet; chicks really dig giant, man eating snakes. Well Bellatrix always said she liked her.
Master: The Doctor destroyed our whole planet and they still like him better than me! I mean they tried to kill him too, but still! So not fair.
The Keeper: I thought you wanted to destroy all life, Rahl?
“I do hope you’re not planning on threatening me with your agiel, Denna. It won’t work on me.”
Denna smiled.
“Get off the stage or I’ll tell everyone about the kitten.” Jennsen threatened.
Rahl paled and nearly fell flat on his face trying to get off the stage.
Denna bit her lip, staring longingly at the closet.
The doors burst open violently and the sound of harsh, mechanical breathing filled the room.
“Ah, our last member has arrived at last.” Jennsen said. “We’ve just been introducing ourselves, who our arch nemesis is, what we want. You’re next.”
The dark figure swept up with a heavy, limping gait.
“I am Darth Vader. I want to wipe out every enemy of the Emperor. Everything bad that has happened to me because of the man who I thought of as my father and brother is Obi Wan. I hate Obi Wan! He took everything from me. My wife, our child, my body. I hate him! Next time I see him, I’m going to stab him! Stab him dead!”
There was a short pause then:
The Master: Fascinating piece of life support. I could do better, of course, but for a primitive species, fascinating!
Voldemort: And I thought I was the freak here.
The Keeper: I have your wife!
Rahl: I just realized something. We all have major issues. We should change our name from Team Evil to Team Issues and Mildly Incompetent.
Vader started to Force choke everyone until Jennsen came up behind him and wacked the back of his helmet with her clipboard.
“Behave!”
Vader might have said “Don’t wanna” but it was hard to tell with the helmet, but he laboriously moved his armoured body off the stage to stand ominously behind the Master. It wasn’t a great idea because the Master turned in his chair and was poking around the chest plate. Vader shoved the Master with enough force that he toppled off his chair. He sprang up and started to attack Vader, but when he tried to shove Vader he didn’t even make the man sway.
“I have no need to engage in primitive fisticuffs with primitive beings.” He said loftily.
Jennsen waited until the Master had seated himself again before she started to speak.
“Unfortunately we didn’t get the turn out we wanted but the Romulans were too paranoid, the Borg tried to assimilate me, the Goa'uld tried to use the ribbon device on me and Denna had to kill a few before they ran away screaming ‘Kree!’ But I think we have the cream of the crop here with us today.”
Once again the door slammed open, only this time it was Cara, dressed in red leather, yanking Richard and Kahlan along behind her. There were several dozen Mord’Sith who seemed confused as to why they were being dragged along. In addition to them there was a boy wearing round glasses and hair that seemed to be sticking out in every possible direction. A woman with very long hair carrying two small bundles in her arms. A skinny man wearing chucks and a pinstripe suit, also with hair that was in every direction. Maia, still wearing her silvery dress was still there. In the very back, with two Mord’Sith holding her arms was a middle aged woman wearing flannel pyjamas and bunny slippers.
“Harry Potter!” Voldemort hissed.
“Padmé!” Darth Vader rasped.
“Doctor!” The Master said, equal parts delight and anger in his tone.
“Creator!” The Keeper said, nothing but longing in his tone.
“Richard!” Rahl drawled. “And my sweet Kahlan and Cara.”
Cara ignored everyone as she marched straight to Voldemort. The- man-wizard- snake-thingy? And snapped a rada’han around his neck.
“There, that’s taken care of now.” She said with relish.
She went back to the small group and retrieved the frazzled looking woman in her PJ’s and grabbed Myra with her free hand.
“Keeper, Creator, this is Dr. Blue, she’s a renowned couple’s councillor. She’s been able to help people with bigger issues than yours.”
Once again Cara went back to the group and the woman with the babies was gently drawn forward.
“This is your wife, she doesn’t like that you’re evil. Discuss.”
Cara turned to one of the Mord’Sith.
“Rikka, this is man I was telling you about. He’s all yours, I’m sure he’ll make a fine Mord’Sith mate.” Cara said with a jerk of her thumb towards the Master. Cara leaned forward to whisper. “You can make him wear pink dresses.”
Rikka looked delighted.
Cara strode up to Rahl, hands on her hips. “Now for you.” She whirled around. “My Sister’s of the Agile, this man before you might be the spirit of Lord Rahl, but not what is important. His blood. I ask you, my sisters if this man died would your agiel cease to work? No, because this man does not have the Rahl blood. He wields no magic. Our Lord Rahl is none other than Richard Rahl, the Seeker of Truth.”
“He has no more magic.” Rahl pointed out.
Cara smirked over her shoulder.
“Oh yeah? Then how else would he be able to be with the Mother Confessor?”
“Be with?” Rahl said.
He looked at Kahlan closely, noting her tousled hair, her clothes mussed, and most damaging of all was she had lost that uptight hadn’t-been-laid-ever look.
Cara was obviously smug. “Been going at it like bunnies.”
“Cara!” Richard and Kahlan yelled in unison.
“You stole my wife!” Rahl yelled.
Richard blinked. “What? No I didn’t!”
“We were married in that alternative time line! We had a son!”
“How do you know?”
“The Keeper told me!”
“Well that will never happen now, now will it. Kahlan and I are going to be married.”
With a shout Rahl launched himself at Richard, taking them both to the ground in a mass of limbs.
Cara sidled up to Kahlan. “Did he ask you to marry him?”
“No.” Kahlan said, watching as her apparently future husband wrestled with her not-husband.
“Are you going to marry him?”
Kahlan nodded. “If he asks me.”
Cara nodded.
“Whoever wins, is Lord Rahl?” Cara called to the other Mord’Sith.
“Agreed.” They answered.
“We’re going to be sisters?” Jennsen asked.
“If he actually asks me.” Kahlan said again, neatly sidestepping a flailing arm as the two brothers rolling around on the ground.
“You know if they weren’t brothers watching two handsome men rolling around on the ground getting sweaty might be the perfect recipe for a good night.” Denna said. When everyone looked at her she shrugged. “I’m just saying.”
Jennsen shook her head. “Speaking of a good night, you owe me some time in the closet over there.” Jennsen mused, grabbing Denna’s hand and yanking her away.
Somehow their departure to the closet and the ensuing giggling seemed to penetrate the two wrestling men and the stopped their fighting.
“Do you find that as disturbing as I do, brother?” Rahl questioned.
Richard, who had a holding a large hank of his brother’s hair nodded. “She tortured me.”
“I tortured her.”
“I guess it makes sense that Jennsen should get her. The Mord’Sith serves the House of Rahl. Usually not the female members, but still.”
“Jennsen would be good for her, I guess.”
“I suppose so. But I need a Mord’Sith too. She has Denna, you have Cara and all I have is the dregs.”
There was total and complete silence, no one dared make a sound. Rahl turned slowly, hoping against hope that the other Mord’Sith hadn’t heard him.
“We choose the Seeker as Lord Rahl.” Rikka said coldly.
All the Mord’Sith nodded in unison.
“We will go back to the People’s Palace and inform everyone of the change. If anyone wants to disagree with our decision we will...take care of them.” Rikka said, before, with a final glare at Rahl, spun around and marched off, taking her sisters, and a squawking Master) with her.
Richard blinked. “Does this mean I’m Lord Rahl?”
Cara smirked down at him. “It would be very unwise of you to disagree with them.”
Richard nodded meekly.
Behind them, someone cleared their throat. Cara turned to face the stick thin man wearing the suit.
“Ah yes, forgive me, but what just happened here?”
“Yes, Cara, please tell me just what is going on?” Richard demanded, still holding onto his brother’s hair.
“I was trying to help Jennsen.”
“Help Jennsen how?”
“It hurt her feelings that you didn’t accept Denna.” Cara said simply.
Richard looked at the other in the room.
“What about the rest of these....people.”
“Tell me; do want someone to protect her against anyone and everyone?”
“Yes.”
“Hey you, Snakeface!”
Voldemort turned red eyes glowing.
“Denna, the one in red leather, were you afraid of her?”
He scowled. “I am the Dark Lord; the mere mention of my name brings terror to others. I fear no one.”
Cara cocked her head. “Should I call her back?”
“NO!” Panic tinged his reptilian face. “Fine! I’m afraid of her! I’d rather go to Azkaban than have to be near her again.”
Cara’s smile was smug. “Who better than Denna to protect the sister of Lord Rahl? Even other Mord’Sith feared the touch of her agiel.”
Richard thought about that, nodding absently.
“And clearly they love each other. And what is more important than that?”
Richard sighed gustily. “You’re right, of course.”
Cara smirked. “Of course I am.”
“But what about the Master?” The skinny man demanded in a high voice.
Cara smiled. “He won’t be able to case any more trouble. His new mistress will see to that.”
“But, but, but-”
“But what?” Cara said impatiently.
“But he’s dangerous.”
“So is Rikka.”
“What about Voldemort?” The boy with the glasses asked.
“He’s got the rada'han on he can’t use magic, but if you’re that worried-” Cara snatched the wand out of Voldemort’s robe, threw it on the ground and crushed it beneath her boot heel. “There.”
Harry blinked in astonishment. “You mean you defeated him? But, I’m supposed to defeat him.”
Cara smiled. “Never send a boy to do a Mord’Sith’s job.”
Harry blushed, stammered something about being busy and ran off.
“Will you get off me and let go of my damned hair!” Rahl bellowed.
Richard seemed to only then realize that he still gripped his brother’s hair and let go of him.
“What should we do about them?” Kahlan said pointing to the Keeper and Maia who arguing with a harried looking Dr. Blue, then to Vader and Padmé, who were cooing over their children. Everyone frowned at hearing the mechanical voice cooing over a baby.
“Leave them, the Keeper and the Creator can argue forever, at least that way they won’t be making trouble for the world. And the other two seem happy with their kids.”
“What about Rahl?” Richard questioned.
Cara’s smile was both malicious and smug.
“He’s very pretty. I say we sell him to a brothel.”
Rahl blinked. “What?”
Kahlan and Richard smiled and nodded.
The end.