Happy Singles' Awareness Day
Good lord it has been FOREVER since I've written in here. The reason I'm back to it is because I have nothing to do right now and I finally figured out my password after trying 10 different ones for about 5 minutes.
Re-reading the last entries I wrote really depress me. I miss Steven so much. Like he was my best friend. All of last year. The thing i miss the most is talking to him. There is not other guy i can talk to like i could talk to him.
Steven and Sarah Tracy broke up. And I'm an idiot to think something could actually happen between me and him again. Nothing will ever happen. He's been a complete asshole to me since we did break up. The most recent thing he said was when he saw me entering GSA dance building the other day and he told Timmy to tell me 'he said hey and I've gained weight.' Nice.
Still. Reading last years' entries make me miss him so much. Just like when i re-read my actual journal [like pen and paper journal] entries that hes in. Whats weird is I found out that the whole time sarah and steven dated [august-feb] they NEVER made out. I couldn't believe it when I heard this. Apparently Steven was 'scared' to make out with her. They only pecked. Which is strange considering Steven and I did make out all the time. But it worries me that maybe he really is gay. And that just depresses me because then he is yet another gay guy that i liked/was attracted to. Will there EVER be a straight guy out there for me that will satisfy all my wants and needs?? I have no idea. So far the ones I've truly, really liked are greg, carter, aaron d, and steven.
Greg is straight but a moron. We havn't spoken since the new years eve dilemma. Sadly because of that now its official nothing will ever happen between us.
Carter is also straight which gives me hope because i really really REALLY liked him in 8th grade.
Aaron D. You know i'm still trying to figure out if what i felt for him was like or lust. I think it was a bit of both. Because if it was just lust then that week in philly would have been enough for me. And I wouldn't have been so extremely hurt by him and what he did. And i wouldn't have broken up with the greatest thing that ever could've happened to me.
Steven. I was always convinced that he was straight. Especially when he was with me, he definately acted like a guy. And we did get physical [but not that much, at all] But hearing that he dated sarah and did nothign because he was scared?! thats not like him. He constantly been told what a great kisser he is. I told him that all the time because he is. Its funny how jealous i was of sarah tracy when i realized she would get to make out with him all the time and now i know they only pecked! lord.
But he still cares about her. he broke up with her because 'the lord was telling him to.' which is ridiculous but he was crying when he did it which is more than i can say for when he broke up with me.
I'll be seeing him tonight at Lucy's Anti-Prom party.
I dont know how i feel about that yet. its always hard seeing him again and remembering how great things were when i was with him. But knowing that I'll be seeing him and he'll be single will help just a bit. But i'm pretty 100% positive he won't even glance my way. Reading that IM where he said 'I dont know i just love and appreciated everything about you' its just mindblowing to think we're not together. How did his feelings change so quickly?? really? it was only a month after we broke up that he started dating sarah t. It makes me wonder if he only dated me the second time so he could break my heart liek i broke his the first time. Maybe he thought about sarah the whole time we were together. oh god, i don't even want to think about that.
In other news, school sucks ass. I hate it so much. I damn it to the depths of hell. it's so unnecessary and incredibly hard. My report card sucked dirt. its the worst one i've ever had. although i still made honor roll. but i failed my chemistry exam. and made a d on my apush exam. ugh thats redick.
GSA is alright this year. it's so incredibly different than last year. liek i always hun gout with kim,quincie, sarah t, jacobucci, annalee and janelle. and now they all hang out together, without me. and i hang out with emily m, emily w, lexie, and zack. which is fine..better even because they are all better people and true-er friends to me. but still...i miss times with my 'old crowd'. its hard. and sad. its sad how things are now. but now that sarah t and steven have broken up things between me and her have gotten 100 times betters. its amazing. ha it almost feels like how things were last year. except not quite.
i dont know. I'm just rambling about unnecessary information. I will definately be back to update this.
GSA prom tonight. shouldn't i be excited??
Re-reading the last entries I wrote really depress me. I miss Steven so much. Like he was my best friend. All of last year. The thing i miss the most is talking to him. There is not other guy i can talk to like i could talk to him.
Steven and Sarah Tracy broke up. And I'm an idiot to think something could actually happen between me and him again. Nothing will ever happen. He's been a complete asshole to me since we did break up. The most recent thing he said was when he saw me entering GSA dance building the other day and he told Timmy to tell me 'he said hey and I've gained weight.' Nice.
Still. Reading last years' entries make me miss him so much. Just like when i re-read my actual journal [like pen and paper journal] entries that hes in. Whats weird is I found out that the whole time sarah and steven dated [august-feb] they NEVER made out. I couldn't believe it when I heard this. Apparently Steven was 'scared' to make out with her. They only pecked. Which is strange considering Steven and I did make out all the time. But it worries me that maybe he really is gay. And that just depresses me because then he is yet another gay guy that i liked/was attracted to. Will there EVER be a straight guy out there for me that will satisfy all my wants and needs?? I have no idea. So far the ones I've truly, really liked are greg, carter, aaron d, and steven.
Greg is straight but a moron. We havn't spoken since the new years eve dilemma. Sadly because of that now its official nothing will ever happen between us.
Carter is also straight which gives me hope because i really really REALLY liked him in 8th grade.
Aaron D. You know i'm still trying to figure out if what i felt for him was like or lust. I think it was a bit of both. Because if it was just lust then that week in philly would have been enough for me. And I wouldn't have been so extremely hurt by him and what he did. And i wouldn't have broken up with the greatest thing that ever could've happened to me.
Steven. I was always convinced that he was straight. Especially when he was with me, he definately acted like a guy. And we did get physical [but not that much, at all] But hearing that he dated sarah and did nothign because he was scared?! thats not like him. He constantly been told what a great kisser he is. I told him that all the time because he is. Its funny how jealous i was of sarah tracy when i realized she would get to make out with him all the time and now i know they only pecked! lord.
But he still cares about her. he broke up with her because 'the lord was telling him to.' which is ridiculous but he was crying when he did it which is more than i can say for when he broke up with me.
I'll be seeing him tonight at Lucy's Anti-Prom party.
I dont know how i feel about that yet. its always hard seeing him again and remembering how great things were when i was with him. But knowing that I'll be seeing him and he'll be single will help just a bit. But i'm pretty 100% positive he won't even glance my way. Reading that IM where he said 'I dont know i just love and appreciated everything about you' its just mindblowing to think we're not together. How did his feelings change so quickly?? really? it was only a month after we broke up that he started dating sarah t. It makes me wonder if he only dated me the second time so he could break my heart liek i broke his the first time. Maybe he thought about sarah the whole time we were together. oh god, i don't even want to think about that.
In other news, school sucks ass. I hate it so much. I damn it to the depths of hell. it's so unnecessary and incredibly hard. My report card sucked dirt. its the worst one i've ever had. although i still made honor roll. but i failed my chemistry exam. and made a d on my apush exam. ugh thats redick.
GSA is alright this year. it's so incredibly different than last year. liek i always hun gout with kim,quincie, sarah t, jacobucci, annalee and janelle. and now they all hang out together, without me. and i hang out with emily m, emily w, lexie, and zack. which is fine..better even because they are all better people and true-er friends to me. but still...i miss times with my 'old crowd'. its hard. and sad. its sad how things are now. but now that sarah t and steven have broken up things between me and her have gotten 100 times betters. its amazing. ha it almost feels like how things were last year. except not quite.
i dont know. I'm just rambling about unnecessary information. I will definately be back to update this.
GSA prom tonight. shouldn't i be excited??