Gym Shorts - Fear
Not so much a ramble about working out, as dealing with fear.
I won't lie - this morning, I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't feel all uber-hyped up superhero, I was just there, going through the motions. It happens. Its okay. About twenty five minutes into the circuit of weight machines, I became aware of this guy shadowing me and following me through my nonsensical order of exercises.
I didn't even really look at him - I was just aware that whenever I stood up, he was within a few feet and I could tell he was tall, well-built, wearing a white tank top and long blue baggy shorts. He was - just this guy. And he was there. so... okay, whatever - keep going.
At one point, I stopped to take a sip of water from a fountain situated in front of a mirrored wall, and as I straightened myself back up again, I see TheGuy standing a few feet behind me, pointedly staring at my ass. He looks up, catches me looking at him in the mirror - has the decency to look abashed and he blinks. I give him the patented ImperiousDismissiveEyebrowRaise and he recognizes it for what it is, and slinks off.
At that point, the morning workout is finished for me. I'm ready to bolt.
So, what was that? I like to think I'm fairly fearless in the face of the world. But, the reality is I am a petite woman who personally knows how things can happen. I wear impossibly high, impossibly pointy boots and shoes for a reason - they are weapons. As I went through my mental checklist of defense mechanisms I have honed over the years, I had to stop and ask myself why I was doing so?
What am I afraid of? Why am I being so ~defensive~ in the strictest sense of the word?
Fear. Its one of those emotions that is so tightly wound with instinct and the worst mental constructs. Fear is useful when its based in reality. Fear in the face of a charging bear will get your ass out of there.
Fear based on some possible, potential maybe-thing is not useful. Maybe That Guy just thought I was cute and wanted to keep a pretty piece of scenery in his line of sight. Maybe ThatGuy wanted to compliment my form on the machines, or maybe just ask about my routine. Maybe ThatGuy was another fabulous closested DragQueen who wanted to go shopping with me for evening dresses. Maybe he wanted to ask me out. I don't know.
I do not like that my knee-jerk reaction to all these maybes was to pack it in and run away. But I did. More often than not, that's what I do when confronted by a new fear.
As for the gym and ThatGuy - well? the gym is MINE. I will continue to go. ThatGuy I think has received the message loud and clear that I'm not interested in conversation or anything else from him at this time, thankyouverymuch. It's not meant as judgment about him - he's just a guy and he'd doing the best he can - but no: I don't want to get chatted up at the gym. Don't take it personally, dude.
Anyhow. This probably is nonsensical and self-indulgent. Don't care. Its on my mind and you clicked through. If you're dealing with fear, you're projecting into the future and you're not paying attention to where you are now. Pay attention, wake up, and make fear sit beside you rather than hover over you.
I'm going to drink my coffee.
I love you.