update
down weekend
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life
So I bought a push mover, used it for 15 minutes and hit a tree stump. I had to replace the blade. I bought a heavy bag and have been beating the hell out of it. I rode my bike around saturday night and sunday morning after doing all the endless chours i do on the weekends. I did wash my bike thou this morning. I had plans with justin saturday night but they got sidelined until 10pm because he got kidnaped by some old philipinos who he was working for. He did come over late at night and told me that Manda's friend Q told him that she was marrying Rob. Which means that either one the relasionship between them has been going on for some time because no one in their right mind mets, dates and gets married in under a month. Or 2 and a worst thought is that he knocked her up which again means that they have been having sex for some time and we only broke up less then a month ago. Some one do the math. U Usually have to be atleast a month late or more before u think u are pregent. The properity issues with the neighbor are slowly working towards court. Man I hate having a job depending on my not getting in trouble. I am having to bottle all this shit inside and its getting hard for me to keep my emotions in check with out it affecting my job,and my life in general. I use to bottle shit up, go out and punish someone deserving of a beat down and i was good for a while. Now I have to occuply my time with hobbies and keep myself as busy as possible all the damn time because when I am idle and its too quiet I start to think and my mind wonders to all the things that bother me. I have not been this bad in sometime. I am breaking down mentally and physically. I have always hated being alone. Even if I am sitting on the couch watching tv, I still like someone there. It just feels different if there is not someone there you know. even if its a hug, a smile or a kiss. Something that makes me want to come home. I love my dog to death and she is a sweetheart. She is always happy to see me and I her but I would rather sit around and snuggle with a person, plus she has no advice or freindly kind words for my trouble I tell her. I guess that it for now. peace and much love ZEN
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Wednesday, September 24, 2008
sick again
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
well I am sick as a dog now. My contract at work has been reuped so that is some what good news. But I have congestion in my head and chest. Also body aches and hot and cold chills. sucks. I am still on a bit of a emotional rollercoaster too.
1:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
sick again
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
well I am sick as a dog now. My contract at work has been reuped so that is some what good news. But I have congestion in my head and chest. Also body aches and hot and cold chills. sucks. I am still on a bit of a emotional rollercoaster too.
1:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, September 22, 2008
no sleep on weekends
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Well the short story is I was estranged from some of my most cherished peps all in a short period of time several months ago. the couse of my boy justin and D focused around one person in each situation. Well I started talking to D again last week and I talked to justin wendsday and hung out with him friday at my house and with him and his boy Rob saturday night at Joe Joes and my house. Friday me and justin got a little buzz of some crown and coke while talking about many things to see how we stand and catching up. Saturday Justin and Rob Got drunk as shit and I had to drive so not so much. Some time before we left justin got this womans number and called her after we left Joe Joes at a little before 2 am. Well we all get settled in at my house and justin passes out and this woman calls him back at 430am. Rob grabs the phone cuz justin is not capable of such things at the moment and invites the girl over. I have to give her directions and wait at the end of my drive way to lead her in. the whole time Rob is trying to wake Justin. It was not successful so she arrives to see justin passed out. He finally wakes in suprise as she is fucking with him. And screams how the hell did you get here, who are u and where am I. This starts my entertainment for the night. Atleast 4 times he excused himself from fucking her to ask me her name. I walked in several times to get blankets for Rob, and mostly just to fuck with them because I was bored. Justin injured himself in the act and flipped between blaming her and not blaming her for the damage. He joked with her about having STDs, ASked me several times if this girl was a hooker who I bought for him and was a complete drunk ass at times but for some ungodly reason the girl standed until justin passed out again around 7am and quietly left. imagaine your are in the middle of sex and your friend comes in slaps you on the ass, tells you U are doing a great job then gives you some pointers to improve the performance. well it kept me entertained. I did not get shit for sleep thou.
2:49 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, September 18, 2008
pap3
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life
Well my father called me earlier today and said that pap looks like he will live but that he is going in for a 2nd surgery to now remove his leg above the knee. I am glad he will live but sucks that he lost the leg. I know that he will not be very happy not being able to be as active as he wishes. I hate being all grown up and have to deal with so much shit so often. and this month has been especially messed up.
1:08 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
pap2
Current mood: crappy
Category: Life
so no info on my grandfather yet. I will give my rents another hour or so then I will call dads cell to see whats up. I know they got there maybe a couple hours ago if they left early this morning. hope for the best. I talked to my supervisor at work about being able to take off just in case and she said that even if i go over my remaining leave that they will work something out due to the special situation. pray people or do what you all do but do a lot of it and wish me some better luck while you are at it
3:19 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
pap
Current mood: bummed
Category: Life
So when it rains it fucking pours. My dad just called about 30 minutes ago to tell me that him and mom are heading to PA. My grandpa on my mom's side got ran over by a dump truck while working for Penn DOT. They have already taken his leg and my father is going to call me when they find out more. He is still critical last they heard. Even if the leg is the only damage done and he pulls thru, he was a very active man, playing softball and still working for Penn DOT into his late 70's. I am hoping that I do not have to go back up there for a funeral. I mean I just saw him face to face wendsday and he was his old cranky self. But hell thats why we all called him Dick. Please pray for him or what ever you all do. I do not think my mother and grandmother will take this easily if he does not make it. If not for him, pray for them. My life is in a fucked up down ward spiral. I can bearly even get up and g to work. every inch of me just wants to lay there and say fuck the world. Can something good just happen and quick.
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Monday, September 15, 2008
poems
Current mood: angsty
Category: Writing and Poetry
You were always so perfect to me, so soft and gentle, cherishing you instantly,without a second glance,I never distrusted those eyes, that lied to me continuously, I promised you I'd always try, But slowly you were losing me. I would always have given you anything,just to keep your interest, stopping my heart from remebering, all the pain you caused, I never pulled away from that kiss, that held a painful hint of truth, maybe you'd be hard to miss, so I said I was still in love with you. I wanted more then just the infatuation,That you found in me, you said love was only a distraction, that you really didn't need, So I cried myself to sleep, knowing the times we shared must end, you said you made love to me, But eventually my love fades too, and I can't make love and walk away,pretending I don't love you, Never once did I pull you away,But everything comes to a end,so all that's left is to say goodbye, I loved loving you.
All that I once loved lays in a shollow grave by my hand.
I stand on the edge of destruction emotionally ruined by the warmth I most desire. Shai Hulud
reject, are you no one, feel you nothing, call to no one, trust in nothing
Bleeding now,I'm crying now,I'm falling down and I'm feeling nothing,like laughing now, I'm stopping now, I'm reaching out and I'm feeling nothing
Wanting, love life. needing Kill life. wanting love life. needing, kill your enemy.
Lovers who never cease to torment me.
Knowlege is power, Power is pain, pain is pleasure, pleasure is a sin, sins are commeted by saints, saints repent, go figure.
5:55 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
more trip info added a little personnel
Current mood: anxious
Category: Travel and Places
I got home saturday night, put my shit away and reality decided to kick my fucking teeth in. I was able to have fun and somewhat forget some of my troubles during the trip. Its hard to have your mind wonder to far why riding, so I was focused on the road and thats it. Once I sat down and chilled it all came back to me. My heart is heavy and I am restless to the point of damn near panic attacks again. By the way the only thing gas station have from the chesapeake bay tunnel to almost ocean city is that ethenal gas. Bikes loss power and milage on that shit and I am almost sure that it could damage your bike. But in all we saw some cool sites, when on the york plant harley tour, did a run at the ocean city bike week, saw some family I have not seen in a while, and met a few cool peps. I just wish I could of share all this with someone outside my family like I originally hoped for.
5:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, September 14, 2008
back home
Current mood: bummed
Category: Travel and Places
I am back home to NC now. The ride back from PA we took the sceanic way and when thru the mountains and such and back down to Ocean city Maryland. Riding a bike over the bridge tunnel and thru the mountains was what i am sure artist search for most of their lifes. We past some amish carts and a amish school leaving PA. The one day we spent at bike week OC was fun we when on the cruzin the coast run and got entered in for a bike,cash,a trailer,and a pallet of pepsi. the ride back to NC was long and rough but atleast my foot does not hurt any more and more info and pics will follow as soon as I get back to fayetteville.
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life
So I bought a push mover, used it for 15 minutes and hit a tree stump. I had to replace the blade. I bought a heavy bag and have been beating the hell out of it. I rode my bike around saturday night and sunday morning after doing all the endless chours i do on the weekends. I did wash my bike thou this morning. I had plans with justin saturday night but they got sidelined until 10pm because he got kidnaped by some old philipinos who he was working for. He did come over late at night and told me that Manda's friend Q told him that she was marrying Rob. Which means that either one the relasionship between them has been going on for some time because no one in their right mind mets, dates and gets married in under a month. Or 2 and a worst thought is that he knocked her up which again means that they have been having sex for some time and we only broke up less then a month ago. Some one do the math. U Usually have to be atleast a month late or more before u think u are pregent. The properity issues with the neighbor are slowly working towards court. Man I hate having a job depending on my not getting in trouble. I am having to bottle all this shit inside and its getting hard for me to keep my emotions in check with out it affecting my job,and my life in general. I use to bottle shit up, go out and punish someone deserving of a beat down and i was good for a while. Now I have to occuply my time with hobbies and keep myself as busy as possible all the damn time because when I am idle and its too quiet I start to think and my mind wonders to all the things that bother me. I have not been this bad in sometime. I am breaking down mentally and physically. I have always hated being alone. Even if I am sitting on the couch watching tv, I still like someone there. It just feels different if there is not someone there you know. even if its a hug, a smile or a kiss. Something that makes me want to come home. I love my dog to death and she is a sweetheart. She is always happy to see me and I her but I would rather sit around and snuggle with a person, plus she has no advice or freindly kind words for my trouble I tell her. I guess that it for now. peace and much love ZEN
3:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
sick again
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
well I am sick as a dog now. My contract at work has been reuped so that is some what good news. But I have congestion in my head and chest. Also body aches and hot and cold chills. sucks. I am still on a bit of a emotional rollercoaster too.
1:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
sick again
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
well I am sick as a dog now. My contract at work has been reuped so that is some what good news. But I have congestion in my head and chest. Also body aches and hot and cold chills. sucks. I am still on a bit of a emotional rollercoaster too.
1:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, September 22, 2008
no sleep on weekends
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Well the short story is I was estranged from some of my most cherished peps all in a short period of time several months ago. the couse of my boy justin and D focused around one person in each situation. Well I started talking to D again last week and I talked to justin wendsday and hung out with him friday at my house and with him and his boy Rob saturday night at Joe Joes and my house. Friday me and justin got a little buzz of some crown and coke while talking about many things to see how we stand and catching up. Saturday Justin and Rob Got drunk as shit and I had to drive so not so much. Some time before we left justin got this womans number and called her after we left Joe Joes at a little before 2 am. Well we all get settled in at my house and justin passes out and this woman calls him back at 430am. Rob grabs the phone cuz justin is not capable of such things at the moment and invites the girl over. I have to give her directions and wait at the end of my drive way to lead her in. the whole time Rob is trying to wake Justin. It was not successful so she arrives to see justin passed out. He finally wakes in suprise as she is fucking with him. And screams how the hell did you get here, who are u and where am I. This starts my entertainment for the night. Atleast 4 times he excused himself from fucking her to ask me her name. I walked in several times to get blankets for Rob, and mostly just to fuck with them because I was bored. Justin injured himself in the act and flipped between blaming her and not blaming her for the damage. He joked with her about having STDs, ASked me several times if this girl was a hooker who I bought for him and was a complete drunk ass at times but for some ungodly reason the girl standed until justin passed out again around 7am and quietly left. imagaine your are in the middle of sex and your friend comes in slaps you on the ass, tells you U are doing a great job then gives you some pointers to improve the performance. well it kept me entertained. I did not get shit for sleep thou.
2:49 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, September 18, 2008
pap3
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life
Well my father called me earlier today and said that pap looks like he will live but that he is going in for a 2nd surgery to now remove his leg above the knee. I am glad he will live but sucks that he lost the leg. I know that he will not be very happy not being able to be as active as he wishes. I hate being all grown up and have to deal with so much shit so often. and this month has been especially messed up.
1:08 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
pap2
Current mood: crappy
Category: Life
so no info on my grandfather yet. I will give my rents another hour or so then I will call dads cell to see whats up. I know they got there maybe a couple hours ago if they left early this morning. hope for the best. I talked to my supervisor at work about being able to take off just in case and she said that even if i go over my remaining leave that they will work something out due to the special situation. pray people or do what you all do but do a lot of it and wish me some better luck while you are at it
3:19 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
pap
Current mood: bummed
Category: Life
So when it rains it fucking pours. My dad just called about 30 minutes ago to tell me that him and mom are heading to PA. My grandpa on my mom's side got ran over by a dump truck while working for Penn DOT. They have already taken his leg and my father is going to call me when they find out more. He is still critical last they heard. Even if the leg is the only damage done and he pulls thru, he was a very active man, playing softball and still working for Penn DOT into his late 70's. I am hoping that I do not have to go back up there for a funeral. I mean I just saw him face to face wendsday and he was his old cranky self. But hell thats why we all called him Dick. Please pray for him or what ever you all do. I do not think my mother and grandmother will take this easily if he does not make it. If not for him, pray for them. My life is in a fucked up down ward spiral. I can bearly even get up and g to work. every inch of me just wants to lay there and say fuck the world. Can something good just happen and quick.
3:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, September 15, 2008
poems
Current mood: angsty
Category: Writing and Poetry
You were always so perfect to me, so soft and gentle, cherishing you instantly,without a second glance,I never distrusted those eyes, that lied to me continuously, I promised you I'd always try, But slowly you were losing me. I would always have given you anything,just to keep your interest, stopping my heart from remebering, all the pain you caused, I never pulled away from that kiss, that held a painful hint of truth, maybe you'd be hard to miss, so I said I was still in love with you. I wanted more then just the infatuation,That you found in me, you said love was only a distraction, that you really didn't need, So I cried myself to sleep, knowing the times we shared must end, you said you made love to me, But eventually my love fades too, and I can't make love and walk away,pretending I don't love you, Never once did I pull you away,But everything comes to a end,so all that's left is to say goodbye, I loved loving you.
All that I once loved lays in a shollow grave by my hand.
I stand on the edge of destruction emotionally ruined by the warmth I most desire. Shai Hulud
reject, are you no one, feel you nothing, call to no one, trust in nothing
Bleeding now,I'm crying now,I'm falling down and I'm feeling nothing,like laughing now, I'm stopping now, I'm reaching out and I'm feeling nothing
Wanting, love life. needing Kill life. wanting love life. needing, kill your enemy.
Lovers who never cease to torment me.
Knowlege is power, Power is pain, pain is pleasure, pleasure is a sin, sins are commeted by saints, saints repent, go figure.
5:55 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
more trip info added a little personnel
Current mood: anxious
Category: Travel and Places
I got home saturday night, put my shit away and reality decided to kick my fucking teeth in. I was able to have fun and somewhat forget some of my troubles during the trip. Its hard to have your mind wonder to far why riding, so I was focused on the road and thats it. Once I sat down and chilled it all came back to me. My heart is heavy and I am restless to the point of damn near panic attacks again. By the way the only thing gas station have from the chesapeake bay tunnel to almost ocean city is that ethenal gas. Bikes loss power and milage on that shit and I am almost sure that it could damage your bike. But in all we saw some cool sites, when on the york plant harley tour, did a run at the ocean city bike week, saw some family I have not seen in a while, and met a few cool peps. I just wish I could of share all this with someone outside my family like I originally hoped for.
5:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, September 14, 2008
back home
Current mood: bummed
Category: Travel and Places
I am back home to NC now. The ride back from PA we took the sceanic way and when thru the mountains and such and back down to Ocean city Maryland. Riding a bike over the bridge tunnel and thru the mountains was what i am sure artist search for most of their lifes. We past some amish carts and a amish school leaving PA. The one day we spent at bike week OC was fun we when on the cruzin the coast run and got entered in for a bike,cash,a trailer,and a pallet of pepsi. the ride back to NC was long and rough but atleast my foot does not hurt any more and more info and pics will follow as soon as I get back to fayetteville.