You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skys are gray.
I knew it would happen, I was almost sure that last night would have been it. I stayed there over night holding his hand, trying not to cry. failing at it, and just praying a thing i dont often do, but praying for his peace, praying for his rest. He wouldnt talk to anyone but my mother and then me for a little while. I sang him our song, I told him how much i loved him and yet again i pray he heard atleast some of it. He raised me in a way. He spoiled me. Loved me. Taught me things, and inspired me to want more out of life. I love him for his lessons, for his mind, and for his heart. I didnt want to leave, i really didnt and we said our goodbyes and he screamed stay, so we did...and after alot of cry and time, his heart finally stabilized a little and we decide rest was the best thing for him. We left at almost 6 in the morning this morning. Its so unreal of a feeling to know something and not being able to grasp it yet?...He passed away this afternoon. I was sleeping at kens and i can remember waking up out of no where and looking at the clock at a little after three, it wasnt till my parents showed up at kens with the news that i realized that is when he had passed. He was more of a father to me, he was more of everything to me. Im sitting here feeling like it hasnt hit me, yes i have been hysterical since i found out around 7 but i know thats not it. I know its going to hurt every day. I miss his soo much. Im mad he had to be sick, im mad he had to suffer, but im happy hes at rest now. He was my world. He still is. I wish i could hold him. I know she's in shock too. I only wish i could be there right now with her. I dont know where to go from here. how do i just move on? I cant. I dont know how to do this. I dont know what im supposed to do. Yes ive experienced death before, and yeah badly but not like this. My entire 17 years of life have been spent with this man. His stories flood my thoughts. His smell makes me feel comforted, and I just cant imagine how i cant crawl into bed next to him acting like im still 5 years old and cuddle, or wake up and make him breakfast, or have our hour upon hour long conversations about life, and memories. I know hes resting, I need to be happy for that. I have sat's in the morning and even though i just got home i need to go to them, I cant give up. Education ment the world to him. I wrote my college essay about him a few weeks ago. He really is the original true person who made me feel like i could reach any of my goals. I loved him, I still DO LOVE him, I always will, i just dont know what to do, and im sitting here with my eyes soo sore and tears still falling and i just cant stop repeating I want my grandpa back. Hes mine, its not fair. Hes everything. why does he have to be the one to go. Why did he have to get alzhiemers, and why did he have to get parkinsons, and why did he have to get cancer...GOD DAMNIT WHY, why is it that the one person who was always honest and never tried to be anything he wasnt had to suffer...I dont know what to do, not even a little bit. Im scared. Im upset. Im angry. Im confused. I just dont even know. It feels like there a black hole right in the center of me, and I have no idea how to fix that.