I'm really confused..
I'm so confused about everything thats going on with Jeff in this relationship..I love him, I know I do but yet I refuse to let him back into my heart. I'm just afraid, afraid of him. Afraid I'll get my heart broken again like in the past. Everytime I get into another relationship it comes back to him, but everytime me and him have a relationship I always get my hopes up so high and then they just get dashed. So this time my heart is refusing to allow him in as far as he did before and I dont understand why I have to have a such a weird defense mechanism. I get these feelings then the next thing I know he makes me feel let down because I didnt get what I was hoping for. I have problems, serious ones. Its the little things, the tiny things, the things you miss that make you crazy. Like the way he used to adore you, or the way you used to live,breath, and eat his name. But now its diffrent you still need him and love him, but the little things are gone and you miss them more than you let on. I love him and nothing will ever change that, I'm just having a random bad mood day so this is probably just me being gay. I just feel so untrustable, unreliable, like I'm about to explode all over someone, someone like Jeff. He doesnt deserve this fucking bullshit, no one does. Yet I dish it out like candy on Halloween. I need to get a hold of this. I'll probably feel better tomorrow and delete this entry. I'm just afraid that I wont be able to live up to his expectations, like yesturday he said I'd changed I was happier now and stuff. And I am but sometimes I fall, and what if I fall down so far I cant get out again. Then what? What will happen then?
Well today I went to NAHS it was pretty cool I guess, well at least it kept me from sitting around at home. Tomorrow I have Drama, and then on Wed. I have Philosophy (sp), so yay!
Devin and me had a talk today, I know I shouldnt but I really HATE his gf. Not that I've ever met her or anything but man I do. I'm just a crazy bitch, but whatever. I'm probably not doing soccer this year which really makes me want ta cry, but as long as I keep busy with clubs and stuff I should be fine. I have so many art things I have ta do for NAHS that I think I might as well wrap this up.
Well today I went to NAHS it was pretty cool I guess, well at least it kept me from sitting around at home. Tomorrow I have Drama, and then on Wed. I have Philosophy (sp), so yay!
Devin and me had a talk today, I know I shouldnt but I really HATE his gf. Not that I've ever met her or anything but man I do. I'm just a crazy bitch, but whatever. I'm probably not doing soccer this year which really makes me want ta cry, but as long as I keep busy with clubs and stuff I should be fine. I have so many art things I have ta do for NAHS that I think I might as well wrap this up.