its funny how things effect you
Right now, i am sad, and i am trying to hide it, but the only way i can do that honestly is by appearing to be a bitch, and its working, because my brother is mad at me for being bitchy, and brandi is complaining to mark that i am bitchy again, i don't know how else to handle things right now....
Tomorrow is the 7th, its Wes's birthday, if he was still alive he would of been 17 years old, he cammited suicide at the age of 15, of fucking 15, he wasn't even old enough to drive but he was old enough to decide if he should live or not.... its fucked up, and i greaved when it happened and on his 16th birthday some friends took me to the beach for his birthday and i felt better, but on the mark of his one year being gone, aug-05-04, i cried so hard, harder then when i found out, i just don't understand, no one will tell me why? why did he do it? they wouldn't tell me how for ever too, they said it would effect me to much to know, i found out from people gossiping over it at work, THAT FOR SURE ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO HEAR HOW, he shoot himself in the head, why was a 15 year old able to be by a gun? why? do you know what fucked me up worst about it, i have dreams, guess you should call them nightmares of his funeral, and how there were a bunch of pictures of me and him together all over the place, ALL OVER THE PLACE, he was my first b/f, we went to my first high school dance together, there we pictures everywhere, and then some girl in front of me i heard her whisper to someone else, is that the girl in the pics, shes not even crying, I WASN"T i couldn't i was in shock,
four days before he killed himself he called me, to catch up on old days, it was nice to hear from him, sicne he started high school he didn't have time anymore, and his dad sold the pro shop at the bowling ally so i didn't see him there any more, so it was nice to hear from him, we made plans to go skating once i got off work on sunday, the 8th of august, he killed him self before, we had ashort conversation cause i had to go to work, i felt bad for havingt o hang up but i was already late, he was suppose to call me back, but never did, if i would have been able to talk to him, to see what was going on in his life, would i have been able to prevent it??? would he still be alive, if someone just gave him more time,,... these questions haunt me so....
i don't like being sad i don't so i hide it and be mad, i feel bad my brother doesnt deserve any of this i just don't know what else to do....
well yeah..... enjoy your night everyone, i'm going to try to cheer up and watch the superbowl game, hell yeah, thats something i like, it should cheer me up,,...
Tabetha
p.s. i saw justin council wrote in his journal the other night.... seems his life is going well, that kind of pissed me off to, i tryed to stay friend and keep in touch, but he never called, maybe our friendship wasn't as great as i thought it was... who knows... well i guess he does but good luck trying to get hold of him.... since he is a god right?
Tomorrow is the 7th, its Wes's birthday, if he was still alive he would of been 17 years old, he cammited suicide at the age of 15, of fucking 15, he wasn't even old enough to drive but he was old enough to decide if he should live or not.... its fucked up, and i greaved when it happened and on his 16th birthday some friends took me to the beach for his birthday and i felt better, but on the mark of his one year being gone, aug-05-04, i cried so hard, harder then when i found out, i just don't understand, no one will tell me why? why did he do it? they wouldn't tell me how for ever too, they said it would effect me to much to know, i found out from people gossiping over it at work, THAT FOR SURE ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO HEAR HOW, he shoot himself in the head, why was a 15 year old able to be by a gun? why? do you know what fucked me up worst about it, i have dreams, guess you should call them nightmares of his funeral, and how there were a bunch of pictures of me and him together all over the place, ALL OVER THE PLACE, he was my first b/f, we went to my first high school dance together, there we pictures everywhere, and then some girl in front of me i heard her whisper to someone else, is that the girl in the pics, shes not even crying, I WASN"T i couldn't i was in shock,
four days before he killed himself he called me, to catch up on old days, it was nice to hear from him, sicne he started high school he didn't have time anymore, and his dad sold the pro shop at the bowling ally so i didn't see him there any more, so it was nice to hear from him, we made plans to go skating once i got off work on sunday, the 8th of august, he killed him self before, we had ashort conversation cause i had to go to work, i felt bad for havingt o hang up but i was already late, he was suppose to call me back, but never did, if i would have been able to talk to him, to see what was going on in his life, would i have been able to prevent it??? would he still be alive, if someone just gave him more time,,... these questions haunt me so....
i don't like being sad i don't so i hide it and be mad, i feel bad my brother doesnt deserve any of this i just don't know what else to do....
well yeah..... enjoy your night everyone, i'm going to try to cheer up and watch the superbowl game, hell yeah, thats something i like, it should cheer me up,,...
Tabetha
p.s. i saw justin council wrote in his journal the other night.... seems his life is going well, that kind of pissed me off to, i tryed to stay friend and keep in touch, but he never called, maybe our friendship wasn't as great as i thought it was... who knows... well i guess he does but good luck trying to get hold of him.... since he is a god right?