wondering 'what if' is the worst thing there is

[bittersweetbn]

now lets make this clear.

its not that im mad at him.
or sad because of him.
i dont even miss him.
if i miss anything its the friendship we had.

how can i be friends with someone who cant talk to me?

the whole weekend, i kept thinking, 'maybe hes just busy.' 'maybe his phone's broken.'

and instead of wondering what if, we called from another number.

i mean, its fine he didnt have time to talk to me. its fine he couldnt return my call. its fine hes too busy with other friends who screw him over and dont care about him like i do.

it made me see. it made me see clearly. and now i realize, i dont even WANT a friend like he has been to me. ever since ive met him all ive had was trouble from him. and hurt feelings.

i know thousands of times ive said i would never be his friend again. ever. so im not going to say that. im not going to pretend if he needed me to talk to or needed help i wouldnt talk to him.

but im not going to chase him down and force him to be my friend.

because if he doesnt want to be, and if im not worth one minute of time, then i dont want it either.

and especially since he doesnt CARE. he doesnt CARE that i havent talked to him. he doesnt CARE i dont want to be in his group. he doesnt CARE if we never talk again. he doesnt CARE what i feel. he doesnt CARE what i think.

so thats what i thought about today, at moments when i would have been talking to him instead of thinking. and this is what ive decided. in case any of you wanted to know.

ps, log in from now on to read this. thanks.