Wondering
I think I would love nothing more than to scratch out every previous entry I've written here and start all over. Its physically painful for me to even acknowledge my previous relationship, let alone be confronted by it on this website. It took less time for me to forget about him than it did for me to fall for him. I don't need to be reminded. Bad enough that I had a huge fight and subsequent falling out with a friend I knew longer than him, and by having that fight, dredged up every single horrifying memory of my ex that I had lying dormant in my subconscious. Bad enough that I was plagued with nightmares for three days after my fight with Todd, bad enough that my Jon had to bear witness to it all, and worse than all that, he was the one comforting me! He told me that the fight brought everything back because the abusive nature of the fight reminded me of the abusive nature of my relationship with my ex. The last nightmare was so bad, I was awake but physically unable to move, scream, or cry to get Jon's attention... he was lying right next to me, I could feel his arm on mine, and yet I couldn't even nudge him to get his help. Thankfully I came out of it, and he was just like always.... an angel.
Pressing forward.... I'm jobless. Have been for almost five weeks and I'm losing my mind. I'm starting to feel like I'm jailed here in this house. I'm also starting to wonder when the people who were supposed to be my friends suddenly became people I had to answer to. I guess after a certain amount of time, you should expect your friends to get on your case every now and again... though i think it should be when you're making disastrous life choices, or about to get a hideous haircut. The only person I should have to answer to about anything is Jon. And he's not one to have me explain myself... he knows me better than I do frankly. And even then he would tell me that I'm an adult. I'm gonna do what I think is best, and he'll support me whatever my decision may be. He's amazing like that.
I'm starting to feel that even little things change who you are as a person. Not just the big things, like finding the love of your life and by some miracle having him love you back as much, if not more than you do him. Its not just about having who I am irrevocably changed by that love, of knowing that I'm different because of it. Its not just moving to a new place and trying to establish a life separate from the family you were born into. It's about people. It's about little things like, leaving the lights on, or using the last of the butter, or not having a car and having to rely on others to get you around. It's being alone all day when you can't stand being alone. Not just the big things. Those little things turn into big things and you start to wonder if anything you do for anyone, including yourself is good enough. You question yourself, how did I get here, why are things like this, what did i do wrong? when nine times out of ten its got nothing to do with you and you've asked yourself these questions so many times that you can't see any other option. It has to be you, its all your fault. But its not. Sometimes people have a bad day, and you're there and they don't want to talk and you try to talk cause you think that will help them to vent, when all they want is to be left alone and when they reject you like that, you come back to the same inevitable conclusion.... its my fault. Vicious circle?
All I'm saying is that times change. People change. People you thought you knew, people you thought you'd never disagree with. The earth spins on its axis, birds still sing every morning, the sun still rises in the east. But you're different. It's not the people around you, its you. Maybe you don't want to acknowledge this, maybe you already have. But like it or not things are different. The best you can do now is ride it out. Cause how you handle it determines what kind of person you're gonna be when you come out the other side. And at the end of the day, you're the one who has to go to bed with who you are and what you've done.. Good bad or indifferent, you're the one who's in charge of you.
Pressing forward.... I'm jobless. Have been for almost five weeks and I'm losing my mind. I'm starting to feel like I'm jailed here in this house. I'm also starting to wonder when the people who were supposed to be my friends suddenly became people I had to answer to. I guess after a certain amount of time, you should expect your friends to get on your case every now and again... though i think it should be when you're making disastrous life choices, or about to get a hideous haircut. The only person I should have to answer to about anything is Jon. And he's not one to have me explain myself... he knows me better than I do frankly. And even then he would tell me that I'm an adult. I'm gonna do what I think is best, and he'll support me whatever my decision may be. He's amazing like that.
I'm starting to feel that even little things change who you are as a person. Not just the big things, like finding the love of your life and by some miracle having him love you back as much, if not more than you do him. Its not just about having who I am irrevocably changed by that love, of knowing that I'm different because of it. Its not just moving to a new place and trying to establish a life separate from the family you were born into. It's about people. It's about little things like, leaving the lights on, or using the last of the butter, or not having a car and having to rely on others to get you around. It's being alone all day when you can't stand being alone. Not just the big things. Those little things turn into big things and you start to wonder if anything you do for anyone, including yourself is good enough. You question yourself, how did I get here, why are things like this, what did i do wrong? when nine times out of ten its got nothing to do with you and you've asked yourself these questions so many times that you can't see any other option. It has to be you, its all your fault. But its not. Sometimes people have a bad day, and you're there and they don't want to talk and you try to talk cause you think that will help them to vent, when all they want is to be left alone and when they reject you like that, you come back to the same inevitable conclusion.... its my fault. Vicious circle?
All I'm saying is that times change. People change. People you thought you knew, people you thought you'd never disagree with. The earth spins on its axis, birds still sing every morning, the sun still rises in the east. But you're different. It's not the people around you, its you. Maybe you don't want to acknowledge this, maybe you already have. But like it or not things are different. The best you can do now is ride it out. Cause how you handle it determines what kind of person you're gonna be when you come out the other side. And at the end of the day, you're the one who has to go to bed with who you are and what you've done.. Good bad or indifferent, you're the one who's in charge of you.