(no subject)
SO I havent updated since September..damn. Stupid myspace wont let me in to make a blog and I need to write so here I am..plus I've had too much to drink I think and it isnt making my unhappiness any happier which ads to my dilemna of having too many bad thoughts. I really don't know what to say either right now besides I'm lost, and confused, and think I made another really bad mistake. I really need to stop this whole "weakness" cycle, because its not like me. The older I get I think the more lost I feel, and the more vulnerable. I don't think I will ever find anyone who is totally in love and devoted to me, I don't trust anyone and I'm tired of putting effort into things that eventually turn out to be nothing..people that turn out to just stab you in the back and say "haha I fucking fooled you, I really dont give a shit about you!". I find myself constantly pondering what the meaning of life is, and what happens afterwards..where we go, what I need to do while I am here, etc. It never leaves my mind and I feel like I live in an alternate reality because I know that what is happening in life right now isnt what is most important in the whole outcome of things. I know it's all just lessons, well its one big lesson really. I just wish it would get easier, I did something in a past life that is greatly effecting me today..because the rain hasnt stopped. I have tried..God how I have tried to pull myself out and be happy, to change things that will make that happen. It just hasnt worked yet. I've met people who have opened my eyes to things, whether they hurt me in the end or not, I learned from them. I dont regret things..well maybe some things but everything is supposed to happen for a reason right? I dont want to keep making the same mistakes over either, I dont want to keep on enabling others to walk on me, or put myself in a vulnerable position. This game of life is so hard, and the reality of that just keeps sinking in deeper.
I also feel like I want to get away from myself in general..to just float out of my body and into someone else for a few days. The medical problems just keep on coming and it really has been the basis of my depression. My whole life I have had to work around things because of certain issues I have had, and I thought I had most everything all worked out and things were getting better, I was getting better..and then WHAM, God hits me over the head with something else. It's like "Here take this now, since you passed that other hurdle you can have another because you dont deserve happyness"..I just dont know. I want someone to rescue me, I actually dream of it..how sad is that?
I know I am just rambling now in my fogged up mind induced by alcohol..I think I will go clean up that broken wine glass now..
I also feel like I want to get away from myself in general..to just float out of my body and into someone else for a few days. The medical problems just keep on coming and it really has been the basis of my depression. My whole life I have had to work around things because of certain issues I have had, and I thought I had most everything all worked out and things were getting better, I was getting better..and then WHAM, God hits me over the head with something else. It's like "Here take this now, since you passed that other hurdle you can have another because you dont deserve happyness"..I just dont know. I want someone to rescue me, I actually dream of it..how sad is that?
I know I am just rambling now in my fogged up mind induced by alcohol..I think I will go clean up that broken wine glass now..