Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart...
Well, as everyone already knows im no good with words and this entry will probably prove it..just me venting so you can stop reading here because reading it will be a waste of time..im really not kidding.
Where do i even start? I can think of numerous things to start with but im not sure which is the most rational, the last thing i need is to sit here and contradict myself (which will most likely happen anyway) And i think i just figured out where i wanted to start, which is how im feeling this very second...i was never good enough for you. this isnt something that i think you think, its just how i feel. I was never crazy enough or funny enough or pretty enough for you..since i first met you i always pictured you with some "hott" girl..the ones with dangly earrings and lots of make up, the ones who get all dressed up, the ones with perfect bodies and beautiful faces, the ones who are really talented at something, like a sport or dance. The ones with no insecurities; which as this post proves, is the complete opposite of me. Im so insecure its ridiculous, i dont get all dressed up and wear my make-up to perfection. Maybe its because of the first impression that ive just always seen you with that type of girl... You wonder why we "broke up" in august, i stated it to you clearly..you're a year older..you're going to want to have fun and party in your last two highschool years and be with other girls..and there was no way you were going to get that out of a long-distance relationship. Its so funny because you told me i was wrong and a month later..you decide you dont want it anymore and you go out and prove that first impressions are somewhat dead-on. You did everything i said you would, and i wish i could of sat there and laughed and thought about how right i was but i was a little too busy trying to forget about you. Do you even consider us breaking up in august breaking up? Because..we still talked like we were together, and we still considered ourselves together so lets just say that that wasnt an official break-up..an official break-up was last february or september.
I just decided that you cant love someone when you're 16. You just cant. Not be in love with someone anyway...its too irrational...but then again who am i to say whats rational and irrational? I cant even decide if my own feelings are rational or not...i dont think they are...who holds on for this long? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD HOLD ON TO SOMETHING FOR THIS LONG!?! Maybe im just too scared to be happy with someone else because the only person i want to be happy with is you. Sorry for being honest...but these past couple of days ive just been struggling with what to do..Do i hide my feelings and talk to you like we're just normal friends, that would never work because it wouldnt be like a real friendship, itd be fake because i would be fake. Do i just stop talking to you so i can forget about you? For some reason i dont think either one of us want to do that..(me more so than you...) Or do i just be totally open about how i feel? Honestly, i dont think any of these things are going to give me you so why should i bother at all? I might as well just let things go and see what happens, and then when things dont turn out how i want them i can just curse fate and hate myself, knowing that i have to accept that we just cant be together.
I've always thought about how much it would help if i could forget about everything. All the conversations, staying up all night, all the stupid little things; like running into glass windows, the tournaments, the surprise visit, just being around you and being happy. But do i really want to forget it all? Not really.... I hate remembering how often we used to talk and how much i took it for granted. I didnt realize it until now but i really cared about you, alot. I just sucked at showing it sometimes; im sorry that i wasnt who i should of been when we were together and for putting you through alot of things you really didnt deserve. Im sure this post makes me look ten times more crazy then everyone already thinks i am but i really dont care...i was about to explode if i didnt get this discombobulated/not making sense junk out of my system. I guess ill end this with saying that i can settle for being friends, of course it wont be easy, but it'd be better than not being anything at all.