(no subject)
i get to come home from michigan tomorrow. i cant wait. this trip has been nothing but drama. two of my cousins are in shitty ass relationships that basically mirror each other. they can each see the problems in the others relationships but not their own. it kills me. im exactly like both of them. im scared that im going to end up like them one day. i almost did that with jason. but he rescued me from that by ending us.
im setting myself up to get hurt again. and bad. i can feel it.
maybe i just expect the worst and to get hurt all the time cos of my abandonment issues from my dads death. so much of my destructive behavior is a result of losing him. id never seen it til now. im always so lonely only because i choose to remain that way. i let people get to know me but only on the surface. very few people actually know me...im pretty sure jason is one of the only few people who knows me. that boy can read me better than anyone. and ive realize i purposely keep it that way so that way i dont start to care about people and have them leave. and i dont need to do that. a good majority of the people in my life right now are here for the long run.
i know i need to let go of all this with my dad. i dont know how to. i was daddys little girl...only for the majority of my life i dont think i REALLY knew my dad. most my solid memories of him are from after he got sick. he turned into such a different person after he was diagnosed. but when it came to me he wasnt that mean grumpy tired man...because i was his little girl. i was all he wanted in life.
i dunno...i guess its a good thing i can talk about all this now without crying?
i hope i learn how to deal with and get over my abandonment issues..and stop tryin to push people away and let my gaurd down.
i dont want to feel alone forever. i dont want to hurt forever.im not gonna let myself end up like so many fatherless girls.
im going to stop dating older guys. im going to one day be in a healthy relationship. and love without being afraid to do so.
..::its been closed dark, flat i kept thinking i would fall of if i went to the edge but there was nothing only a circle, waiting to repeat itself and me wondering why every little girl needs a daddy before she can ever become a woman for a man to love::..
i just had the most amazing conversation with kyle. he rules me. and im thinkin hes gonna be what helps me with my healing process
im setting myself up to get hurt again. and bad. i can feel it.
maybe i just expect the worst and to get hurt all the time cos of my abandonment issues from my dads death. so much of my destructive behavior is a result of losing him. id never seen it til now. im always so lonely only because i choose to remain that way. i let people get to know me but only on the surface. very few people actually know me...im pretty sure jason is one of the only few people who knows me. that boy can read me better than anyone. and ive realize i purposely keep it that way so that way i dont start to care about people and have them leave. and i dont need to do that. a good majority of the people in my life right now are here for the long run.
i know i need to let go of all this with my dad. i dont know how to. i was daddys little girl...only for the majority of my life i dont think i REALLY knew my dad. most my solid memories of him are from after he got sick. he turned into such a different person after he was diagnosed. but when it came to me he wasnt that mean grumpy tired man...because i was his little girl. i was all he wanted in life.
i dunno...i guess its a good thing i can talk about all this now without crying?
i hope i learn how to deal with and get over my abandonment issues..and stop tryin to push people away and let my gaurd down.
i dont want to feel alone forever. i dont want to hurt forever.im not gonna let myself end up like so many fatherless girls.
im going to stop dating older guys. im going to one day be in a healthy relationship. and love without being afraid to do so.
..::its been closed dark, flat i kept thinking i would fall of if i went to the edge but there was nothing only a circle, waiting to repeat itself and me wondering why every little girl needs a daddy before she can ever become a woman for a man to love::..
i just had the most amazing conversation with kyle. he rules me. and im thinkin hes gonna be what helps me with my healing process