Angel in Heavy Syrup: Loveless Fic

[bitterfic]

Author: Bitterfig

Title: Angel in Heavy Syrup

Fandom: Loveless

Pairing: Yamato/Kouya

Summary: The Zero Girls break in their new strap-on.

Beta Reader: Fedink

Word Count: 521

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Explicit sexual content, language, pegging.

Author’s Note:  Originally written for the Loveless Anonymous Kinks Meme.  Prompt “Kouya/Yamato strap-on dildo,

Comments

[penanna]

Hmm hmm. Before I start, let me make it clear that I'm trying to be constructive, not destructive. ^^;; And I realise it's just a 'Kink' and that your influences (i.e. Lisa Yuskavaga, and the Japanese band) may have shaped your writing, but I can see what you tried to do, and in some cases you didn't quite manage, so I want to try and help if I can. I hope you don't think I'm being rude or horrible, that's not my intention.

Although I can see Yamato doing that to poor Kouya, I think Kouya is a little out of character as I don't think she'd be so honest to Yamato. Maybe she'd want it, but she wouldn't say it.

While there are no grammatical errors with your writing, it seems a little detached from the characters, almost emotionless, and I had difficulty 'feeling' the story, if you get what I mean? Were you aiming for 2nd person, or 3rd?

The terminology you used for, er, sexual body parts (i.e. cunt, pussy, cock, etc), are a little derogatory and not many writers use them anymore. If fact very few writers actually use the scientific names anymore, when it comes to prose and short stories, unless it's part of their actual writing style. Try to be a little more imaginative with your description; you don't have to 'name' the body parts, in order for the reader to know what you're talking about.

Last thing. You used the 'if she still had a tail' line twice. While in longer stories this wouldn't be an issue if done strategically, in a short story, it comes off as repetitive, and makes you look like a writer who simply couldn't think of something else. You can create the same image without using the same word. Like what I said above; you don't have to 'name' it, for the readers to know what you're talking about.

I hope that was somewhat helpful. ^^;;

[bitterfic]

Thank you for reading and commenting.