On My Way Home: 1/2
If you feel like getting even I understand
[Meredith Grey]
They kiss like there’s no tomorrow and there probably isn’t. She’d spent a ridiculously long time trying to belong, to be someone who doesn’t have to worry about seeing their mother’s blood trailing down the kitchen counter and there she is, trying to be extraordinary. She lets Derek kiss her and in her mind she can still feel her mother right there urging her to move forward and do something and love someone because there aren’t any third chances in life.
Derek’s kiss is full of raw desperation in the middle of the land decorated with golden lights. She tightens her arms around him and catches a whiff of his cologne and it’s like finally being at home. His hands are firm against her back and she knows that this time he will be there to catch her from falling, falling, falling and she thinks that maybe this is why they do it, this is why they hurt each other, this is why they fall apart.
She smiles against Derek’s hair and runs her hand through his locks. This is idiosyncrasy but she doesn’t mind at all.
I just wanna say, “I’m sorry things got out of hand”
[Isobel Stevens]
He stops crying by the time she finishes baking her first batch of muffins. She brings him a muffin and a cup of coffee and sits next to him. He doesn’t talk and he doesn’t look at her and all he does is stare out at the door. She can see the despair in his eyes, she can feel his skin crawling with helplessness and she knows it all because she’s been right there in his place with the dress and the invisible engagement ring and the dead fiancé.
“I just want her to come back,” he finally says, even though she isn’t sure if he’s speaking to her.
She doesn’t say anything and just rubs his back because there’s nothing to be said. You deserve it is too cruel and he doesn’t deserve this at all, I’m so sorry doesn’t even begin to rectify the whole situation and it will be all right is just plain stupid. Instead she sits there and puts her arm around him and feels him leaning on her; two figures sitting in the darkness in perfect harmony while the world around them just keeps crashing and crashing and crashing down.
I only wanted you to like me that’s how I am
[Lexie Grey]
He comes back to their home and tells her that he still has a shot at becoming someone in life and kisses her as if this is no big deal at all. She thinks that she should be accustomed to this, what with the dead mother and the alcoholic father and the sister who spends almost all of her time praying that her husband isn’t dead and the half-sister who hates her. She thinks that she’s seen it all and done it all but then he goes and kisses her and her preciously balanced world is upturned again.
“I might be a resident,” he says gleefully, shaking her shoulders almost too hard and dancing around. She attempts to smile because she doesn’t even know how she feels about him. Falling in love, or even falling in like with Seattle Grace surgeons is dangerous and heartbreaking but it is so tempting and its right there and she can’t help herself.
She takes a deep breath and moves towards him, cutting him off from his maniacal dancing and kissing him firmly on the lips.
He doesn’t push her away.
Is it harder on your own; is it hard to be someone?
[Cristina Yang]
She became a doctor because her father bled to death in front of her and there was nothing she could do. She came to Seattle Grace because it was the best offer she had and she wanted to be somewhere where she belonged in the midst of waves and waves of surgeons. She kissed Preston Burke in the on-call room because he owned up to screwing a surgery and bought her some goddamn coffee. She put on a white dress and a ridiculously heavy necklace because she did want to give something back to him for making her so, so happy. She worked her ass off for Hahn because it was the only way to show Burke what she would’ve been capable of. She taught Lexie the running whipstitch because no matter what people think, she isn’t that selfish after all and she doesn’t want anyone else to go through what she did.
Now she sits on her big, big bed in Burke’s newly repainted apartment and rereads the article that praises his extraordinary dexterity and she knows that she hasn’t moved on at all. She gets up after what seems like a century later and burns the article in her waste-paper basket. She watches Burke’s face catch fire and thinks fuck you; the flames dancing all around her sanity and burning what she once thought was a heart.
I’ve heard you’re turning into stone
[Mark Sloan]
Callie and Erica kiss, hands snaking around each other and eyes closed with barely repressed desire. He watches from the corner, hidden in the shadows so that no one can see him but he doubts that anyone will notice him anyway. It hurts so goddamn much to see something like love in their eyes as they gaze at each other. He can see the affection between them as Callie helps Erica look for her car keys and they both start walking towards her car, hand in hand like they would never let go.
In his mind, he only sees Empire State Building and the brownstone and red hair flying all around and then there’s the smile that always took his breath away. There’s the way she always whipped her hair, the way she smiled at him and the way she looked at him as if to say maybe someday, I will fall in love with you and it hurts because that never happened and dammit, he really did wait.
It’s cold and dark and dreary here in the shadows from where he can see reunions and new beginnings and treasured endings. It’s only fitting that the last man standing is the one with nothing left at all.
While I’m on my way home, I’m on my way home
[Richard Webber]
Adele stares at him with what took you so fucking long? written all over her face and he knows that there is still a long way to forgiveness but at least this is the beginning.
“Can I come in?” he asks and it feels weird to ask for permission to come into his own home but he’s willing to do that. He comes in and really looks around and he can’t remember the last time he actually looked at his own home. He remembers the last time he stood there dancing with Adele in the living room a long, long time ago, long before any Ellis or late shifts or lies or deception.
It isn’t easy, the transition from being a general bastard and a lousy husband to someone who actually gives a shit about their family, but at least he’s on his way. The path before him is long and winding and full of stones and rocks sure to trip him over but Adele is there, guiding him and whispering that she still loves him in spite of everything and right now, that’s enough.
He kisses her and slips his hand through hers, waiting together patiently for the life they’ve always dreamt of.
And I’ve been for so long, I’m on my way home
[Alex Karev]
“I thought,” he whispers, “that she would be it. I wanted to prove that I can be the father that didn’t abuse their children and didn’t give broken bottles in the form of Christmas presents.” His voice is hoarse from sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and he should be feeling self-conscious for pouring his heart out to Izzie but he doesn’t.
“What am I going to do?” he asks again as if he desperately needs an answer. He now knows that everything he had is a mere illusion even though some part of him wants to believe that the beautiful images of him and Ava were true. Perhaps there is some God up there who doesn’t like bastards like him that speak the truth. Or maybe it’s his fault for not really wanting a white picket fence (he was never good at catch anyway) or a pity fuck; maybe it’s his fault for falling for a married woman that he’d pulled out from under the last remains of a shipwreck.
“What am I going to do?” he asks again and this time Izzie answers, and it’s like her voice is coming from far, far away.
“You’ll be whole again. I’ll make you whole again.” She talks like she knows all about it and she probably does.
He listens to her speak in a soothing voice and leans against her cashmere top that’s offering a cool blanket of protection against everything and everybody that’s determined to shred him into pieces and enjoy them. He takes a deep breath and it’s like coming up for air in the middle of a long, complicated boxing match.
Then, he believes her.