can't sleep
being a parent is hard. it is frustrating. i am insane, literally. diagnosed manic depressive. so being consistent is a challenge.
thursday i had a really bad morning with my eldest. he is MY BABY. he is special because he is the reason i decided that jumping up and down on the self-destruct button was a very bad idea. i couldn't do it anymore. he NEEDED me. he has nothing to do with his male progenitor. that vile personage hasn't seen him since he was 2mths old. so you see why i say he is mine all mine. i know this isn't precisely true but... it expresses the sentiment nicely.
he didn't get his writing assignment done the night before and since he had only -30mins to get it done i gave him the answer. he flat out refused to do the work. i lost it. told him off. felt horrible.
i am a very intense person. when i feel, i feel .... sorry searching for the word/s feelings can be as intense for me as a nuclear explosion. and yes i can and have had black rages. or i can also be heartless, have no feeling only a need that i want met, such as a power trip, a sexual power trip. i want to feel in control.
ANYWAYS..
i wrote an email and sent it to several people. i don't really remember what i wrote. i was letting it out because if i don't it will stick with me and send me into a DEPRESSION. i have to let it out or it makes me sick, physically sick.
well i apparently put something in there about wanting to kill myself. i know i said i wanted to run away cause i suck at my job an let a more competent person take over.
i didn't know i couldn't say such things to one of them. i have simple policy with my friends. say anything. anything you want anything you need you got it sorry roy orbison decide to visit for a second.
and i reciprocate. i say anything i feel i need to in order to get the point across.
i hadn't known this person long but i liked him and felt i could trust him. so i included him in this mailing.
i had forgotten the casual mention of knowing someone who had committed suicide. i didn't think about how is wife had dumped him supposedly because she didn't want the responsibility of being a parent. it was too much for her. and the children are special needs kids.
my kids are special needs in some ways. the have learning disabilities and add. and what makes it harder is when they don't want to be better!
i think N,the eldest, wants to be on meds because D,the middle child, is on meds.
i don't know what to do. i have sent N to counseling and they have referred him to the local children's hospital. and i took him to see the doc and she wrote a prescription for ritalin. which the insurance company won't pay for even though they pay for the other child's meds.
but back to my friend who must think that if i said i was going to go blow up the school because i hate my son's teacher with a purple passion. i hate her so much that i call her the worst possible name you can call a female, hell if you feel it applies to a male then he is a sorry evil creature C.U.Next.Tuesday.
if he thought i would actually do it then he is .... want to say stupid but i know that not to be true... utterly lacking in imagination.
well then there is the fact that i teased (sexually) with out mercy to feed my power trip, tried to be 'polite' because i realized how mean i had been and tried to jerk him off. he couldn't blow, cum, whatever. and i wouldn't say i wanted him because i don't. been telling him i had no desire for him. and i don't want to go to bed with anyone but the man i live with because of reasons of conscience. (i know there is a whole lot of room for debate on that one) i also said that i had no heart. having no heart means a lot of things.
so i think it is this one. plus i touched some seriously unresolved issues.
he was really rude and insulting. he wanted me to get mad and i did. but now i know... what kind of person he is.
thursday i had a really bad morning with my eldest. he is MY BABY. he is special because he is the reason i decided that jumping up and down on the self-destruct button was a very bad idea. i couldn't do it anymore. he NEEDED me. he has nothing to do with his male progenitor. that vile personage hasn't seen him since he was 2mths old. so you see why i say he is mine all mine. i know this isn't precisely true but... it expresses the sentiment nicely.
he didn't get his writing assignment done the night before and since he had only -30mins to get it done i gave him the answer. he flat out refused to do the work. i lost it. told him off. felt horrible.
i am a very intense person. when i feel, i feel .... sorry searching for the word/s feelings can be as intense for me as a nuclear explosion. and yes i can and have had black rages. or i can also be heartless, have no feeling only a need that i want met, such as a power trip, a sexual power trip. i want to feel in control.
ANYWAYS..
i wrote an email and sent it to several people. i don't really remember what i wrote. i was letting it out because if i don't it will stick with me and send me into a DEPRESSION. i have to let it out or it makes me sick, physically sick.
well i apparently put something in there about wanting to kill myself. i know i said i wanted to run away cause i suck at my job an let a more competent person take over.
i didn't know i couldn't say such things to one of them. i have simple policy with my friends. say anything. anything you want anything you need you got it sorry roy orbison decide to visit for a second.
and i reciprocate. i say anything i feel i need to in order to get the point across.
i hadn't known this person long but i liked him and felt i could trust him. so i included him in this mailing.
i had forgotten the casual mention of knowing someone who had committed suicide. i didn't think about how is wife had dumped him supposedly because she didn't want the responsibility of being a parent. it was too much for her. and the children are special needs kids.
my kids are special needs in some ways. the have learning disabilities and add. and what makes it harder is when they don't want to be better!
i think N,the eldest, wants to be on meds because D,the middle child, is on meds.
i don't know what to do. i have sent N to counseling and they have referred him to the local children's hospital. and i took him to see the doc and she wrote a prescription for ritalin. which the insurance company won't pay for even though they pay for the other child's meds.
but back to my friend who must think that if i said i was going to go blow up the school because i hate my son's teacher with a purple passion. i hate her so much that i call her the worst possible name you can call a female, hell if you feel it applies to a male then he is a sorry evil creature C.U.Next.Tuesday.
if he thought i would actually do it then he is .... want to say stupid but i know that not to be true... utterly lacking in imagination.
well then there is the fact that i teased (sexually) with out mercy to feed my power trip, tried to be 'polite' because i realized how mean i had been and tried to jerk him off. he couldn't blow, cum, whatever. and i wouldn't say i wanted him because i don't. been telling him i had no desire for him. and i don't want to go to bed with anyone but the man i live with because of reasons of conscience. (i know there is a whole lot of room for debate on that one) i also said that i had no heart. having no heart means a lot of things.
so i think it is this one. plus i touched some seriously unresolved issues.
he was really rude and insulting. he wanted me to get mad and i did. but now i know... what kind of person he is.