10 years later
Man, I cannot believe it has been ten years since I've last written in here. I remember I used to write in here nearly every day in 10th grade. I spent some time the other day reading some old post and needless to say it was cringe, but at the same time, I felt ok with it to some degree.
First, I want to say that i'm glad I knew the people I knew in high school. Craig, Chase, Roseann, Kat, Kelly, Kellen, Cat and so many more made me feel ok to be myself. When I read my old post, I feel sad reading some my old post because I know how things turn out.
I haven't talked to Craig in a decade. I haven't seen Chase in the same amount of time and the same is basically true for everyone else. I remember being in teen leadership with Roseann and now she's a lawyer. Kat is married. Kelly is dead. When I think about those people I know, I get a bit sad that I don't really know them anymore. They are just images on a news feed for a social media platform that didn't exist when I wrote those old entries.
Beyond that, I'm also a bit concerned that the same self-absorb moodiness and inclination towards overaction is still part of whom I am as a person. I recall the stressful 10th grade saga of pining over Tiffany. In the end, it was I who walked away from it a year later. In many ways, I took her for granted, but we were all just kids pretending to be adults. In retrospect, I didn't really understand my own emotions and probably still don't as an adult. However, I am making progress towards it and hoping that my 15th year old self can finally be cleansed. With that said, i'm a bit afraid that i'll always be the moody self-absorb prick on some level.
Nevertheless, I know I am not entirely that person. In the decade since writing here a lot has change. My last post, I was heading to Army. It makes a pretty clear dividing line between different stages in my life.
In summary, I went to the Army and spent a few years there. Headed to Afghanistan and came back thinking I was normal but later found out that the stress of combat did in fact do something to me. Meanwhile, I got married to a girl who should've been a fling and had a beautiful baby girl. We got divorced after I left the Army for a myriad of reasons that simply boil down to the fact that we wanted different things in life.
I finally finished college got job as a data scientist and been doing that ever since. Over the years, I've gone from "what-the-fuck-am-i-doing" to building a team that does natural language processing for the entire company to now being the lead for a super large bank. Yet, I still have the "what-the-fuck-am-doing" feeling. One day someone somewhere will figure it out but I've also come to realize everyone else has that feeling to some degree. We're just kids pretending we know what we are doing.
Anyway, I now live in New York where I spent years binge drinking after work and now I no longer binge drink but am married again and have a step-kid as well. My days of playing music are mainly gone but I try to instill my passion to the kids.
Life is complicated. I make over 300k a year on a bad year and can basically do whatever I want. Yet, I'm still stressed about money, my future, my relationship, my parenting, and if my dog is ok. I'm not saying that i'm a bad place with any of these things but I stress about.
I often feel like I got this huge weight on my to take care of everything and it wears me out. I haven't really taken a vacation in years and I'm at the point where I am asking myself why?
15 years ago I was just becoming adult worried if I would be employable as a math major. There isn't a new goal for me per se besides made up ones. Like become a managing director or save another million dollars. I guess i'm asking myself, why? Then I feel like an asshole because i'm grateful I can do this and I know people who a million dollars would be nice changing much less "another". Yet, I still struggle to find overall happiness.
Maybe that's life to some degree. A series of moments interrupted by sadness, happiness and joy. While I look back at my old post, I remember the overwhelming feeling of being lost. I also mostly remember the stupid shit like that time in teen leadership when Roseann and I didn't bring anything for our presentation so she used my wallet and I used her bag. Or when Katie M let me use her locker in 10th grade because I forgot my combination.
I don't really know what I'm writing in here again. I just I Think wanted to take a moment and try reflect on what I read.
First, I want to say that i'm glad I knew the people I knew in high school. Craig, Chase, Roseann, Kat, Kelly, Kellen, Cat and so many more made me feel ok to be myself. When I read my old post, I feel sad reading some my old post because I know how things turn out.
I haven't talked to Craig in a decade. I haven't seen Chase in the same amount of time and the same is basically true for everyone else. I remember being in teen leadership with Roseann and now she's a lawyer. Kat is married. Kelly is dead. When I think about those people I know, I get a bit sad that I don't really know them anymore. They are just images on a news feed for a social media platform that didn't exist when I wrote those old entries.
Beyond that, I'm also a bit concerned that the same self-absorb moodiness and inclination towards overaction is still part of whom I am as a person. I recall the stressful 10th grade saga of pining over Tiffany. In the end, it was I who walked away from it a year later. In many ways, I took her for granted, but we were all just kids pretending to be adults. In retrospect, I didn't really understand my own emotions and probably still don't as an adult. However, I am making progress towards it and hoping that my 15th year old self can finally be cleansed. With that said, i'm a bit afraid that i'll always be the moody self-absorb prick on some level.
Nevertheless, I know I am not entirely that person. In the decade since writing here a lot has change. My last post, I was heading to Army. It makes a pretty clear dividing line between different stages in my life.
In summary, I went to the Army and spent a few years there. Headed to Afghanistan and came back thinking I was normal but later found out that the stress of combat did in fact do something to me. Meanwhile, I got married to a girl who should've been a fling and had a beautiful baby girl. We got divorced after I left the Army for a myriad of reasons that simply boil down to the fact that we wanted different things in life.
I finally finished college got job as a data scientist and been doing that ever since. Over the years, I've gone from "what-the-fuck-am-i-doing" to building a team that does natural language processing for the entire company to now being the lead for a super large bank. Yet, I still have the "what-the-fuck-am-doing" feeling. One day someone somewhere will figure it out but I've also come to realize everyone else has that feeling to some degree. We're just kids pretending we know what we are doing.
Anyway, I now live in New York where I spent years binge drinking after work and now I no longer binge drink but am married again and have a step-kid as well. My days of playing music are mainly gone but I try to instill my passion to the kids.
Life is complicated. I make over 300k a year on a bad year and can basically do whatever I want. Yet, I'm still stressed about money, my future, my relationship, my parenting, and if my dog is ok. I'm not saying that i'm a bad place with any of these things but I stress about.
I often feel like I got this huge weight on my to take care of everything and it wears me out. I haven't really taken a vacation in years and I'm at the point where I am asking myself why?
15 years ago I was just becoming adult worried if I would be employable as a math major. There isn't a new goal for me per se besides made up ones. Like become a managing director or save another million dollars. I guess i'm asking myself, why? Then I feel like an asshole because i'm grateful I can do this and I know people who a million dollars would be nice changing much less "another". Yet, I still struggle to find overall happiness.
Maybe that's life to some degree. A series of moments interrupted by sadness, happiness and joy. While I look back at my old post, I remember the overwhelming feeling of being lost. I also mostly remember the stupid shit like that time in teen leadership when Roseann and I didn't bring anything for our presentation so she used my wallet and I used her bag. Or when Katie M let me use her locker in 10th grade because I forgot my combination.
I don't really know what I'm writing in here again. I just I Think wanted to take a moment and try reflect on what I read.