Such A Disappointment
I hate myself so much right now. I hate that I've let myself down, so many times. I hate that I can't even be who I wanted to be. I can't believe I've let so many oppertunities go.
I know that moving, I had no choice in that, and I know that I couldn't have stopped that, besides, the Little Gym closed anyway. But I didn't push my parents to find another Gymnastics place here, and sure, I was on the waiting list, but I didn't get in for 3 years, and by the time I did get in, I was so out of shape, and so huge, I hated myself and couldn't bear to stay the way I was. So I quit. I blame myself for that. Instead of going on a healthy diet, and doing more exercise, I just quit.
I hate myself for that. & I hate myself because I never give 100% to school. I was good at gymnastics, and I'm good at school, but the difference, was I usually gave 100% to gymnastics, and barely 60% to school. Thanks to that, I'll never get the scholarship I wanted, never be top in my class, all because I fucked up my freshman year. I can still make it, I can still get good grades this semester, but last semester is already behind me. & math, I dropped my Algebra class, so next year, I have to take it all again, and because of that, my Senior year, I won't be able to take as many electives as I want. I fucked it up, and I was so hoping, I wouldn't. I know there's still time, but I still, it just means I'll have to work harder, and I don't know if I can do that.
It's just, so disappointing, to see myself where I am. I hate that I'm obese, I hate that that is preventing me from signing up for Gymnastics just yet, because right now, I'd die for the chance to get on the bars, just one last time. To get on the beam, and the vault, and even if I hate floor routines, I'd die to do that, too.
I've lost those chances, and now, I'm 15 years old, my hopes of the Olympics, or even just personal training, are down the drain. At 9, I had a chance, it would've been hard, but I had a chance. But now, now it's only going to be for myself. Though I have no problem with that, it still makes me mad, that I let my potential just go down the drain, the way I did.
I'm so disappointed, such a disappointment. Not to anyone else, but to myself. & for most, I have only myself to blame.
♥
I know that moving, I had no choice in that, and I know that I couldn't have stopped that, besides, the Little Gym closed anyway. But I didn't push my parents to find another Gymnastics place here, and sure, I was on the waiting list, but I didn't get in for 3 years, and by the time I did get in, I was so out of shape, and so huge, I hated myself and couldn't bear to stay the way I was. So I quit. I blame myself for that. Instead of going on a healthy diet, and doing more exercise, I just quit.
I hate myself for that. & I hate myself because I never give 100% to school. I was good at gymnastics, and I'm good at school, but the difference, was I usually gave 100% to gymnastics, and barely 60% to school. Thanks to that, I'll never get the scholarship I wanted, never be top in my class, all because I fucked up my freshman year. I can still make it, I can still get good grades this semester, but last semester is already behind me. & math, I dropped my Algebra class, so next year, I have to take it all again, and because of that, my Senior year, I won't be able to take as many electives as I want. I fucked it up, and I was so hoping, I wouldn't. I know there's still time, but I still, it just means I'll have to work harder, and I don't know if I can do that.
It's just, so disappointing, to see myself where I am. I hate that I'm obese, I hate that that is preventing me from signing up for Gymnastics just yet, because right now, I'd die for the chance to get on the bars, just one last time. To get on the beam, and the vault, and even if I hate floor routines, I'd die to do that, too.
I've lost those chances, and now, I'm 15 years old, my hopes of the Olympics, or even just personal training, are down the drain. At 9, I had a chance, it would've been hard, but I had a chance. But now, now it's only going to be for myself. Though I have no problem with that, it still makes me mad, that I let my potential just go down the drain, the way I did.
I'm so disappointed, such a disappointment. Not to anyone else, but to myself. & for most, I have only myself to blame.
♥