Dearest...
LET THEM EAT CAKE
~*~
SHISUI was ridiculous.
Itachi knew this. Itachi knew this so well, that he'd even come to associate Shisui with ridiculousness itself. Ridiculous was Shisui, and Shisui was ridiculous. There was nothing, so Itachi thought, nothing in the world that could ever change that fact. Another thing he was absolutely certain of was that being ridiculous was contagious.
If this were not the case, there was no way in hell Itachi would have ever found himself pulling out old DVDs of Doctor Who and all three films of the Lion King among the secret stock of Disney films that Shisui had smuggled away from Sasuke between the ages of six and ten and proceeded to hide under a loose floorboard under his bed.
Thankfully however, Itachi did seem to have some resistance to Shisui's infectious nature; as the maid outfit lay untouched on the bed. Itachi held it at arm's length, and contemplated burning it. That or hiding it in his brother's wardrobe - but then the little bugger would probably only give it back to Shisui at any rate and then he'd have two idiots intent on forcing him into the get-up.
Itachi's face turned slightly green at the thought as he took in the extent of the full outfit - which was not very much at all. What he had thought to be a collar in fact turned out to be a garter, complete with the Uchiha crest attached. Itachi nearly died with embarrassment at the thought of Shisui commissioning it.
Then again, perhaps he could use it to his own advantage. Shisui's birthday was never too far away after all. Itachi allowed a feral grin to surface at the thought of the spectacular nose-dive to the floor seeing his lover in such an outfit would no doubt ensue. Perhaps even for Halloween, then.
A loud click, and Itachi stood up slightly straighter, immediately prepared for a diabolical plan to unfold. Low and behold, Shisui's voice came catcalling through the apartment, but with a slightly tinny edge that was enough to warn Itachi that there would be no socks able to shut this one up.
Itachi took his glasses off and set them down on the arm of the sofa next to him before pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. Why on earth he had agreed to this when they had first started seeing each other - nearly four years ago now - would forever remain a mystery to him. In the week running up to Valentine's Day, rather than submit to the commercialised interpretation of the day that both Itachi and Shisui hated, Shisui - in a moment of genius - had suggested that they amuse themselves by surprising the other each day of the week until Valentine's Day when they'd actually do something daft - things that got more and more preposterous by the year. In a moment of insanity, Itachi had agreed.
So it was in fact, entirely his fault that his eardrums were being assaulted by Shisui's voice serenading him with old 90's love songs. Not that Shisui had a bad singing voice mind - it was one of his hidden talents (and of course Itachi would never, ever admit to lingering outside the bathroom when Shisui was showering just to hear it on occasions) but he unfortunately usually had appalling taste in music. Something Itachi was sure was entirely deliberate.
The sudden switch from Oasis to S Club Seven only served to concrete his suspicions.
"We are two in a million, we've got all the love we could be given~"
IT really should be worrying, how easy it was to find an erotic picture of himself, Itachi thought. It had only taken him five minutes browsing through Shisui's phone before he found one that made him smirk. It had been taken some time last year - when Shisui had aced something or other that he had absolutely hated and thus he had decided to celebrate. And by celebrate, Shisui meant have lots and lots of sex. Not that Itachi was complaining - but after he was done with it, the picture of him in cat's ears tangled up in the bedcovers looking coy would have to be destroyed. Completely.
Mornings shouldn't even exist, as far as Shisui was concerned. He stood, bleary eyed in the queue in some nameless fast food breakfast restaurant cursing sourly the trip into another university that forced him to get up at six and leave a warm, cosy bed that still contained a warm, cosy Itachi.
"Well shit."
"…I'm sorry sir, but I didn't catch your order."
Shisui resisted the urge to shoot himself in the head, and simply pointed to the nearest thing he could see. Some sort of bagel, by the looks. That'd do. That was another thing that seemed pointless to Shisui. If mornings had to exist - surely people at least had the right to eat something properly. Breakfast menu. Really. What the bloody hell was the point of it. Who goes into a - he paused and looked around to try and identify which one he'd even wandered into - McDonalds, by the look of the god-awful decorating, to order a bagel. He wanted a cheeseburger. Maybe even a double. He was bloody hungry and had a shitty day ahead of him full of "making important links between university students" and here he was ordering a bagel. That wouldn't even last him until eleven.
The cashier was now looking at him in some concern, and Shisui realised he'd been stood there glaring at the menu for quite some time now and that his bagel had been put on the tray alongside his coffee already. Trying to regain some composure, Shisui ran an arrogant hand through his unruly hair and flashed a disarming smile.
"Terribly sorry, old chum. Far too early in the bloody morning. Four fifty, was it?"
He dug blindly around in his wallet and passed over a note to the poor bugger on the other side of the till, picked up his coffee and bagel and meant to leave. It was only when he heard a squeak that he raised an eyebrow and looked back. Then looked again. And once more, just in case he was going completely, utterly crazy.
He hadn't handed a note to the cashier at all. That was - unless mornings had rendered his eyesight totally useless - a photograph. The cashier was stuttering something awful and Shisui simply snorted and waved it off.
"Sorry sweetcheeks. Mornings, as I said."
He swapped it casually for the money he'd intended to pull out in the first place, told the traumatised bloke to keep the change and sauntered off to a secluded corner where he could continue to angst about the unnecessary existence of mornings.
Taking a long swig of coffee, Shisui flipped the photograph over to see what on earth it even was. He didn't remember keeping photos of anyone in his wallet. It was a bloody miracle if he even remembered to shove in his own ID.
Coffee soon found itself sprayed across the table as Shisui choked.
"Holy fu-"
AFTER the photograph surprise, Shisui quickly understood that it was war. For all Itachi's reluctance and propriety, Shisui couldn't help but snigger at the fact that Itachi was, in fact, just as bad as he was. Shisui gave himself a mental pat on the back - he had been such a good influence throughout Itachi's life, clearly. Who knows how the little shit would have ended up without his presence. Maybe he'd had even acquiesced to his father's wishes to become a lawyer instead of following his desire to write instead. The thought made him shake his head. For a genius, it was the one and only thing that Itachi struggled with: making himself happy. Others first, always. Whether or not the silly sod even liked them. True hippy that one. Maybe he'd buy him a tree to hug one of these days.
Still, Shisui loved him for it, which was exactly why he stood in the middle of the living room surrounded by all manner of products with the intention of showing Itachi - however obscurely - just how much.
Itachi had not been having a good day. First of all, the lectures had been decidedly dull and he'd been sat next to the obnoxious blonde that insisted that Shakespeare was not "true art". Well, each to their own - but despite Itachi explaining gently that he wasn't likely to pass the course if he kept up with that opinion instead of trying to see another side, the moron remained stuck in his view. So much so, that he insisted on bringing all the materials from his other classes into this one, and promptly getting them everywhere.
The materials this time - just Itachi's luck - had been clay. And lots of it.
It was just as well that Itachi didn't give a damn about the state of the car Shisui and he shared. It was covered in sweet wrappers and water bottles and various unidentifiable things that must have been sat on at one point. Now it had clay to add to the décor. Wonderful. In a flash of irritated artistic flair, Itachi used a finger to wipe off a smudge of clay from his cheek and draw a moustache on the bright pink giraffe that dangled from the mirror.
Unsurprisingly therefore, the only things on Itachi's mind when he opened the front door and dumped his bag and shoes by it were coffee and shower. Which probably explained the expression on his face when he went into the living room, really.
There was, in all fairness, nothing in the world that could have prepared him for the sight he was met with. Except perhaps, living with the moron for two years, but even then Shisui had never done anything like this. Or been caught, anyway, Itachi silently amended.
Shisui was sat in a dressing gown that gaped to expose his chest, his hair pulled up and hidden in a towel, a facemask all over his face and hands, toes trapped in the foam separators while the nail polish dried, as he nonchalantly filed his freshly trimmed nails. Itachi sat down.
"Shisui. What in the hell are you doing?"
"Making myself beautiful of course. I couldn't let you have an unsightly boyfriend, now could I? You'd never shag me again."
It was only at this point that Shisui looked up to see Itachi, and his expression immediately turned into one of amusement.
"Hell, what happened to you loveshine? I didn't know facemasks were an important aspect of award winning literature."
IT would take Itachi a long time to recover from the sight of Shisui in a face mask - and the moron's delight in peeling it off had not helped him in the slightest. Especially not when Shisui had decided to chase him with the one remaining facemask, promising to "get him while he slept".
Still, the night had in the end turned out to be what Itachi needed. Shisui had ordered in dinner and the pair of them had curled up on the sofa to watch Disney films, Shisui shamelessly singing along and tirelessly trying to get Itachi to join in.
It left Itachi the next morning still feeling amused and nostalgic while he sipped at his coffee listening to the news, and as Shisui had left already for an early class, he indulged in his silly mood.
Shisui managed to stay awake during most of the lecture, to his credit. It had been quite a challenge to listen to the inner workings of politics when all he could hear was Itachi singing the original Pokémon opening while pottering around in the kitchen that morning. His lips quirked at the thought of it - why on earth hadn't he had a camera to hand? Sasuke would have paid hundreds for that footage. They probably ought to go visit the brat soon really, before he became so anti-social that his blonde friend rang them up again before Sasuke "disappeared up his own arse." Not that Shisui could blame the kid - living alone with his parents after Itachi left for university must be pretty weird. The two had always been close - and with Fugaku around bearing down on the poor bugger all the time, damn, just as well for blondie, really. Shisui had passed on nearly all the tricks of his trade to the little shit. He was damn proud of him.
As soon as the lecture came to a close, Shisui was one of the first ones out of the door. Itachi had the whole day off - and for once the hag that normally took his second lecture was out of town on family business and there hadn't been a stand in so Shisui had the rest of the day to himself. Shisui practically flew down the line in the canteen picking up his lunch and proceeded to throw himself in a seat to wolf the food down. How to surprise Itachi when he got home early - 30 marks. Shisui tapped his fingers on the desk and began to formulate a plan that would lure Itachi away from whatever work he would surely be insistent on finishing and into Shisui's arms and with any luck bed as well.
His phone suddenly bleeped in his pocket and he plucked it out with a flourish, and not bothering to hide his inane grin, read aloud:
"You're so sexy; I may just have to Pikachu when you shower tonight."
Once he'd recovered from the laughter, he messaged back "I hope you're ready for a battle, because my balls are at the ready."
Not a minute later Itachi replied.
"Let's make like a Super Rod and hook up."
"If I were a Pokémon, I'd be an Erectabuzz."
"I am not dignifying that with an answer."
"So I heard you leik Mudkipz?"
"I'm fonder of your Wooper, actually."
There was a pause, and then Shisui had the entire canteen turning to look at him as he cackled with glee.
SHISUI stood in the kitchen looking completely bemused. Around him, cake ingredients were spread liberally on the work surfaces, and the recipe book lay innocently in front of him. The pair of them cooked together every night - so making dinner would hardly have been a surprise for Itachi - but Shisui knew from experience that he had an absolutely insatiable sweet tooth, but very rarely indulged in it.
Unfortunately, Shisui had never made a dessert in his life. Still, Shisui was an expert at winging it, so he picked up the book with a new found confidence and began to throw the ingredients together.
By the time Itachi got home, the kitchen was in complete disarray, and there was an impressive vocabulary of curses emitting from it. Raising a careful eyebrow, Itachi crept forward and peeked around the door, only to smile helplessly at the sight that greeted him.
Shisui was covered from head to foot in flour, silver icing balls were absolutely everywhere and he was stirring madly at what could only be the beginnings of icing, and cursing its ancestors as the lumps refused to budge. Over in the sink, there were three different bowls full of the previous failed attempts that had been reduced either to something completely solid or something akin to water.
Itachi leaned against the doorframe and shook his head fondly.
"Oh honey, you baked."
Shisui looked up with a floury grin and gave Itachi a sticky thumbs up.
"Darling~ I didn't know you'd be home so soon. I haven't even washed up."
Itachi could only laugh.
Shisui ran a hand through his hair, then grimaced as he felt icing stick to the strands and looked at the appendage like it had betrayed him. Itachi took in the complete apparel of novelty apron and the evidence of at least two failed cakes with an amused eye.
"You look gorgeous."
"I'm always gorgeous. See these curls? I have people falling at my feet with these babies."
Itachi clocked him one while Shisui giggled and wiped icing over Itachi's glasses.
"Do you mind?"
"Nope. You know how I love suspicious white substances all over your face."
Shisui used the pause in which Itachi deliberated over braining him or throwing the icing in his face to run for the hills.
IT wasn't often that Shisui or Itachi allowed themselves to be coerced out partying by their friends. There were occasions however, such as this, in which both groups ganged together and fought tooth and nail to get the pair of them into a club.
Valentine's Day was a favourite, most of the gang wanting to mingle with the depressed singles that were desperate for some company on the 14th. This year was no exception. Shisui and Itachi stood at the bar, drinks in hand while they watched those on the dance floor slow grind. Shisui raised an eyebrow.
"This is what they call a party?"
Itachi, who by now was already thoroughly bored leant over and whispered in Shisui's ear.
"Remember the club just over the road? I daresay there's something more interesting happening there." Shisui's grin stretched from ear to ear, and he took Itachi's glass and downed it in one before turning to him, eyes bright with mischief.
"Aw, hell yeah sunshine."
It was the most outrageous bar in the city. Drag queens galore, absolutely everyone turned up without a care in the world. Itachi and Shisui looked desperately out of place when they first entered, but they were rescued by a small girl with bright pink hair that flounced past them dressed as a hula girl and threw feather boas at the pair of them.
Shisui, ever the romantic, hooked his around Itachi's neck and used it to pull him onto the dance floor to numerous catcalls as Itachi's hands wandered up Shisui's chest to loosen the collar of his shirt. Itachi leaned in and circled Shisui gracefully.
"What are we drinking?"
"Everything."
Even after they'd been there scarce half an hour, Itachi had already forced Shisui on the karaoke machine and had the entire club singing ABBA and had downed at least four vodkas - not to mention the swigs he'd also been taking of Shisui's rum and coke. As they stumbled around on the dance floor, Itachi had an attractive blush to his cheeks and was adorably unsteady, clinging unabashedly to Shisui while the latter laughed harder than he could ever remember doing in his life.
Itachi, straight-laced, straight A Itachi, was a pro at whipping up a crowd in the most notorious club in town, and apparently, when drunk, swore enough to put a sailor to shame. Who'd have thought it?
By the time they staggered outside, covered in glitter and with Shisui missing his shirt, Itachi was three sheets to the wind and singing at the top of his lungs whatever song had last been playing when they'd shimmied their way casually out the door. Shisui - who through practice and a misspent youth - held his drink better than Itachi, was giggling stupidly as they skipped hand in hand down the street at four o'clock in the morning.
ITACHI had spent the better part of the next day unconscious, dealing with his terminal hangover, much to Shisui's amusement. It amused him even more to keep texting his suffering lover at regular intervals reminding him of exactly what he did last night. The memories, Shisui thought, were entirely worth the headache he also had as he sat listening to his mother angst about the "bitch in the supermarket" and "how was Mikoto these days?"
It was well past midday before Itachi surfaced, but he recovered fairly quickly after making himself a glorious fry-up and exacting sweet revenge on Shisui by replying to his constant badgering in elaborate detail about the culinary wonder he'd just made, and that there was absolutely nothing going spare. The news that Shisui was eating Sheppard's Pie - which he loathed with every ounce of his being - only served to accentuate his delight.
Shisui would be back for dinner, and neither would probably be bothered to cook, so Itachi ordered curry in advance, and found himself once more fishing out Doctor Who. Itachi allowed himself a grin when he heard the familiar rumble of Shisui's Harley rolling down the street.
Throwing the ready-to-make popcorn in the microwave but not turning it on, Itachi went to open the front door - already well aware that Shisui had left his key on the side this morning - but in no position to tease, as he couldn't even remember where his own had gone last night. When he reached the front door however, all he could hear was Shisui's muffled voice. Itachi wondered if he was instructing a brass band outside the door to begin to play the minute it opened. He honestly wouldn't put it past Shisui - especially not after the maid outfit that still lay stuffed in his underwear draw.
Eyebrow raised at the suspicious mumbling behind the front door, Itachi opened it dubiously and was greeted by the sight of Shisui in a bow tie trying desperately to formulate a serenade while holding an obnoxiously pink box of chocolates
"-and, I'd finally die fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half eaten by Alsatians."
"…Shisui."
"Yes, oh my dearest darling?"
"We are not watching that film again."
"Ah shut up and shag me, gorgeous."
~*~
THE END