Random rant
I'm in a very awkward time in my life in between a rock and a hard place. I'm very lonely but when I'm surrounded by people I just want to be alone. I don't fucking get it. I used to love people, I wanted to meet everyone. Now I'm so self conscious I can barely hang out with people I'm somewhat comfortable around, or so I thought I was. I think I'm still just holding onto my past. I did a lot of horrible things to a lot of amazing people who did not deserve it. The thing is they have all been more than forgiving. I guess in the end I feel I can't be forgiven unless i somehow make amends for what I've done. I just can't put my finger on what it is yet that I can do. I want to share my thoughts with someone but I have completely forgotten how too. Even when I find myself opening up to someone I am convinced they really don't give a fuck or just judge me the whole time. My mind is fucked I've abused my body to the full extent and I've stopped most of the torture I've put myself through but it's done detrimental long term damage. I am on the verge of disappearing to a life of seclusion. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't know who I can trust either. I have hopes that someone will stumble upon my writing and tell me I'm not an idiot but goddamn do I feel like one.