Challenge: Monogamy (Essay for Dr. Fyellegedde)
CONFIDENTIAL
From the desk of Tucker Wells
Attn: Dr. Fyellegedde
Re: Essay on Monogamy
[Handwritten at the top]
I don't understand why you want me to write this out in essay form! I could tell you about it in next week's session much easier. I guess you just needed a way to stick it to me while you were on vacation. Thanks. Thank you, Dr. Fyellegedde. And now, here is my essay on monogamy. I can't WAIT until next month's essay on morality, btw. Really looking forward to that. Anyway, I wrote this at five this morning when my Ambien wore off. Enjoy!- TDW
Monogamy sounded like a fate worse than death. It sounded like a bad stereo system, a slow train to work, a game of solitaire on a raft in open waters -- it sounded like giving up. And then I met Warren. And then it sounded awesome. The end.
All right, it wasn't the end and I have about, what, 500 words that I'm supposed to write? Monogamy! Yes! And Warren, OK! He wasn't even the beginning of monogamy for me. I had long, long stretches of time with Amy (months!) in which I didn't hedge my bets, didn't sniff around other hotties. That was for multiple reasons: one, I was focusing on other things; two, I was scared shitless of what she'd do if she found out; and three, I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me screw her over just like she always said I'd screw her over. That all went out the window when I boned Vaughn, but honestly -- that was symptomatic. Wild oats status: sewn. Amy and I were on the way out and I just took the nearest exit.
Monogamy and my views on it, currently, are as follows: I'm not going to come so hard that it would warrant what I would ruin with the Bear. I have loose definitions of what constitute cheating, so I have to defer to HIS views on monogamy and fidelity. Therefore, I (no longer) pursue relationships that would --
I'm falling asleep again. Coffee, first. How do I show that time is elapsing in an essay?
...
I sort of stumbled into monogamy on my way to being a better person. Imagine my shock and horror that it was with a boy, too. Seriously, I don't know how that happened, the gay monogamy schtick: not theoretically, not romantically, not mathematically. I figured I'd just, like, continue to WANT to take every available opportunity to screw around. And, as you've heard in my essay entitled, "People I Have Humped," I did. I didn't go looking for trouble... very often. Seriously, things just fell in my lap! What was I supposed to do? Turn them AWAY?
And anyway most of that shady behavior was when Warren was still a robot! It's a known law of the Universe or something: it's not cheating if it's cheating on a robot.
Warren's not a robot anymore, but that's not why I am monogamous with him. I'm fully only with him because he wants me to be just with him. The medication kind of keeps my interest in chasing ass down to an acceptable minimum, so it's all for the better. I want to be what he wants me to be. I wanted to be what she wanted me to be, too, but there turns out that there were conflicts in that scenario. So, first come, first served.
And that's how the leopard got its spots.
[498]
The end.
[500]
From the desk of Tucker Wells
Attn: Dr. Fyellegedde
Re: Essay on Monogamy
[Handwritten at the top]
I don't understand why you want me to write this out in essay form! I could tell you about it in next week's session much easier. I guess you just needed a way to stick it to me while you were on vacation. Thanks. Thank you, Dr. Fyellegedde. And now, here is my essay on monogamy. I can't WAIT until next month's essay on morality, btw. Really looking forward to that. Anyway, I wrote this at five this morning when my Ambien wore off. Enjoy!- TDW
Monogamy sounded like a fate worse than death. It sounded like a bad stereo system, a slow train to work, a game of solitaire on a raft in open waters -- it sounded like giving up. And then I met Warren. And then it sounded awesome. The end.
All right, it wasn't the end and I have about, what, 500 words that I'm supposed to write? Monogamy! Yes! And Warren, OK! He wasn't even the beginning of monogamy for me. I had long, long stretches of time with Amy (months!) in which I didn't hedge my bets, didn't sniff around other hotties. That was for multiple reasons: one, I was focusing on other things; two, I was scared shitless of what she'd do if she found out; and three, I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me screw her over just like she always said I'd screw her over. That all went out the window when I boned Vaughn, but honestly -- that was symptomatic. Wild oats status: sewn. Amy and I were on the way out and I just took the nearest exit.
Monogamy and my views on it, currently, are as follows: I'm not going to come so hard that it would warrant what I would ruin with the Bear. I have loose definitions of what constitute cheating, so I have to defer to HIS views on monogamy and fidelity. Therefore, I (no longer) pursue relationships that would --
I'm falling asleep again. Coffee, first. How do I show that time is elapsing in an essay?
...
I sort of stumbled into monogamy on my way to being a better person. Imagine my shock and horror that it was with a boy, too. Seriously, I don't know how that happened, the gay monogamy schtick: not theoretically, not romantically, not mathematically. I figured I'd just, like, continue to WANT to take every available opportunity to screw around. And, as you've heard in my essay entitled, "People I Have Humped," I did. I didn't go looking for trouble... very often. Seriously, things just fell in my lap! What was I supposed to do? Turn them AWAY?
And anyway most of that shady behavior was when Warren was still a robot! It's a known law of the Universe or something: it's not cheating if it's cheating on a robot.
Warren's not a robot anymore, but that's not why I am monogamous with him. I'm fully only with him because he wants me to be just with him. The medication kind of keeps my interest in chasing ass down to an acceptable minimum, so it's all for the better. I want to be what he wants me to be. I wanted to be what she wanted me to be, too, but there turns out that there were conflicts in that scenario. So, first come, first served.
And that's how the leopard got its spots.
[498]
The end.
[500]