I once again forgot that this damn thing existed. I hope to eventually continue my ramblings about music and memories, but for now, I need to get some things off my chest.
Last week I received news that a friend had suddenly passed away. The problem I'm having is that I have been estranged from this person for just about 10 years. We (and by we I mean I) parted ways due to this person's continued downward spiral into addiction. Having worked in addiction for just over 17 years, I could no longer be a part of this person's addictive behavior and verbal assaults. I could not work in that environment 40+ hours a week, then spend my free time dealing with it. I just couldn't do it anymore. My mental health was just floundering because of everything that was going on. Some people told me I was weak and that I was abandoning someone who needed me, while others applauded me for being strong enough to step away from that relationship. Mind you, that relationship had been going strong since 1993. We had always been close, we always got along and could have really good conversations, go on random adventures, and just hang out and play games... Those years will always be a deeply cherished part of my memories. The issue I had with people telling me I was abandoning my friend, is that the friend was refusing to acknowledge the problem and would get very angry if anyone ever talked about it, and apparently, I was the only one willing to talk about it at the time.
No one really knows what the precursor was to her spiral, or what I should say is that I was not privy to it. I can say that I knew our relationship had begun to change shortly after she was arrested for a DUI. I had reached out to her roommate at the time (he also was a friend) and just wanted to know if she was ok and what was going on. Fast forward a couple of hours later and I get a return call from her berating me and accusing me of fishing for information to spread around and judge her. None of which were true. Needless to say, we ended up taking time away from each other. Mainly because I was pretty hurt by her accusations and the way she turned people against me. After some time, I do not even remember how long, maybe a month or so, she did reach back out to me and wanted to make things right. After some lengthy chatting, we did "rectify" things, but our relationship was never the same again. She was always on edge, silent and awkward. She would want to hang out but rarely wanted to be alone with me, would bail, or just make things tense and awkward. After some time, I began to hear rumblings from other friends that what she presented to me was vastly different than what she was saying to others. Only some people saw the truth, others were blinded by her charm. Good gods was she charming. It was one of her best features next to her brain. This was when I started having that internal struggle about what to do with the relationship. Very obviously, I made the choice to begin removing myself from the situation. It was a semi-slow progression, but after some time I stopped responding to calls, texts, messages etc...
I know I could've handled the situation better, but at the time I did what I thought was the right way to handle things. Especially knowing that confronting that bull head-on was not something that would end well for either of us. I will always accept the fact that I made that choice, and will never regret it. I can only imagine what she told people around her when it happened... Well, I should say I can only imagine what she told a majority of people. After some time, I was told some of the things that were said, but I won't take it to heart. I know that she was not ok mentally and that it was her addiction doing the talking.
She had tried to reach out to me a couple of times over the years, 99% of them I did not respond to. I even reached out to her on one occasion to ask her a question and it was not a good exchange. I'm not saying I'm in the right for basically ghosting her out of my life, but again, I do not regret my choice. I've thought about it off and on over the years and I still do not think she would ever fully understand why I did what I did. If she did understand, she still would hold it over my head and never fully forgive me, not that I'm seeking her forgiveness. I remember on one occasion, I made the mistake of commenting on a mutual friend's Facebook post. This warranted such a ridiculous response where I was accused of hating this person blah blah blah. After letting her words soak in a bit, I typed up a small novella of a response and just put everything right on the table. As previously guessed, it did not go over well. I was called a coward, weak, and basically told that I was a failure to my gender. If there's one thing this girl always knew how to do, it was to hurt those who actually gave a shit about her. The gender comment didn't bother me. As a gay man, I've been dealing with stupid bullshit like that most of my life and I just brush it off my shoulders; not to mention that gender is undefinable... But that's not for here and now... I was more upset, no, not upset, but disappointed. I was more disappointed that she would stoop to that level. But, as we all know, only those who truly are afraid, cowards or weak throw the biggest stones. Regardless, I said what I had to say and told her that I would not respond to anything else from that point forward, and I never did. She did stop trying to contact me for a short period of time. She did try to reach me at random points, sometimes for my birthday or a holiday, which was nice of her, but that's not the olive branch we needed. The olive branch would've been her actually going into treatment and coming out as the 2.0 version of herself. The version that looked back and saw all the bullshit, realized what the fuck was going on, and began the journey to make things right. As I'm sure you've guessed by now, that never happened.
Instead, she continued to spiral down that filthy, addiction-addled rabbit hole right until her very end. An awful end, where she was alone in an ICU as her body shut down and she ceased to be. That part is still hard for me to wrap my head around. Anyone who truly knew her knew that the true, authentic, non-addicted being that we all loved, would NOT want to go out the way she did.
A lot of things are slowly coming to light now that she's gone. The shocking, yet not so shocking news that she had also done to a majority of people what she did to me, was not so nice to hear. The same goes for the severity at which she was using. We all knew it was bad, but not to that extent. Whatever demons she was unable to face down, resulted in her driving away almost everything and everyone that had any love for her.
I had a gut feeling something was wrong the day her sister texted me. The last time her sister and I were in touch was shortly after I had removed myself from the situation, and she wanted to know if I had heard anything about her sister's whereabouts. Of which, I knew not.
There's this gut-wrenching feeling, this twisted, tingly bottoming out that happens when you hear news that you subconsciously knew was coming. No one is ever prepared for that news. Even though she was still alive at the time, the prognosis was not good. Ultimately, she didn't make it much longer and passed away that night.
The shock was so real, so potent, that I just shut down. I remember being with my friends J & S watching tv, hearing J's notifications going off, then hearing her say that our friend died. This led to J's breaking down into tears and me just having some sort of out-of-body moment. I remember having an internal dialogue with myself about why I wasn't having the same reaction as J and half judging myself for it. Why wasn't I crying? Why wasn't I having the expected reaction? I still don't fully know. Externally it was as if things were fine, but internally I was screaming out pained questions into the nothing. WHY couldn't she just have got her act together? WHY did it have to be like this for her? Among other unanswered questions.
I do not consider myself a man of god. Religion and I will never see eye to eye. But I do remember going to bed that night, staring at the wall, and just silently asking any potential divine being to welcome her with open arms, and to help comfort those she left behind. I went to bed with this feeling of relief that she was no longer fighting off the demons. Her pain was gone.
It wasn't until the next morning that the full weight of everything hit me. I remember it hitting while I was in the shower, and the tears didn't stop for hours. Every gasp of air, every new tear, was the product of a flood of memories; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then the guilt kicked in. Do I have the right to feel this devastated? Should I really be this upset after not laying eyes on her for years? I'm still having that battle and will likely continue to have it for years to come.
So, the days are moving on, life is starting to move on and we are just wondering when/if there will be a service. There would be no service. There was barely an obituary. I was not going to attend the service regardless... Mainly because I wanted my last good memories of her to be the dominant ones. Not her lying in a box looking frail and discolored while surrounded by weeping people. I wanted to be able to visit her grave and just spend some time, reflecting and having a one-sided conversation with her.
I needed that conversation.
Only now, it will never come. Well, not the way I wanted it to. Her family opted to not have her interred, but would instead have her cremated and her remains placed into an urn for her mother to keep. I do not fault them for it or disagree with their methods. I only find it unfair for those of us who needed that time at a gravesite. I feel like I needed those moments to just let it all out. All could've been anything. Maybe just tears of frustration, tears of sorrow, or just a vent session as to why this had to happen. I don't question how people grieve and I don't want my ways questioned either. I really just needed that moment. I needed to be able to lay some nice flowers down for her, spend some time with her and just tell her that I will always love her. That I never hated her regardless of how much she thought otherwise. That I'm sorry for not being the one that could help her. Sorry that she had to go out the way she did. I needed to tell her that I'm sorry for hanging up on her the last time she tried to call me... Because if I knew what was ahead I swear on everything I hold dear, that I would've picked up that call. Even if it led to nothing, having that last exchange with someone I held close to my heart may have helped this be easier. I wanted her to know that her precious, sweet baby Pan was ok and being taken care of... The list goes on...
It's ok to not be ok. I would be a liar if I said I was truly ok. I'm still processing this tragic turn of events. I can only imagine what her family is feeling... I know that in time the wounds will heal and this will be an easier pill to swallow. But for now, it's just pure sadness and guilt. Some of the time I've been ok. Some of the time, I'm disassociating and just trapped in my own head trying not to cry again. Time heals all wounds, right?
I do not know what lies on the other side (if anything), but I just hope that she's happy and safe now.
Rest easy, KT. Your loss is felt by many, but the memory of you will fulfill us until we meet again.