To think that one life made such a difference
So here I sit at work, writing this blog. This is not where I want to be. As we speak, there is a mass in my Gram's name taking place at St. Rita of Cascia in Chicago that I am not at. One year ago today, one of the most important people in my life was taken from me. I know she was sick. I know she was in pain, but I still don't think it's fair. Gram was, and is, so loved by everyone in my family. Yes, she was difficult, and yes she had VERY strong opinions, but that's what made her so lovable. Her mannerisms were so incredibly funny, with her pink lipstick and Winston 100 hanging out of her mouth telling off someone - "Suck my ass" or "I told that dirty bitch to smell me" You can't forget the head nod that accompanied such phrases.
Gram wasn't your typical grandmother who stands around in her apron and bakes cakes. Oh no. She was very strong willed and had a mind of her own. She was as stubborn as they come; a trait I have inherited. She did, however, spoil her grandchildren. Unofficially, or officially, however you want to look at it, I was her favorite grandchild. My cousins all resent me for this, but I could really give two shits about them really. With the exception of Dawn, Michelle, and my 2nd cousins, my cousins can go straight to hell with their druggie friends and bags of coke.
I've wanted to be a teacher my whole life, and in my sophomore year of college, I learned that Gram too wanted to be a teacher as well. Ask me again why I'm her favorite. I'm living her dream, I didn't have kids when I was a teenager, I don't do drugs. I'm making something of myself. Yes, everyone at some point in time would help Gram out and she loved us all, but there were times when you knew I was her favorite. I was closer to her than any of them combined. Call me a bitch, I don't really care.
I guess today, I'm still just questioning why. She was so young. 74 years old - the first of her other 5 sisters to pass away. I know she is in a better place, but for me, having her here is the better place. I don't care if it's selfish. Not only did I lose my grandmother a year ago, but I also was not able to participate in recruitment as a Gamma Chi; a position I was so happy to get and felt honored to do and worked so hard for so long to go through the training to just have to leave on the day of the first major event. I feel like I was cheated. Now, I watch the Gamma Chi's walk around with their coats and think of all the fun things they get to do this weekend and I get this feeling of overwhelming bitterness and almost rage mixed with mourning. I asked Gram to hold on as long as she could as I left the hospital last year. That was Sunday and she made it to Tuesday. She gave me permission to come back to school, even though I did not want to. Speaking of not wanting to come back to school, I'm lucky I even came back for spring semester last year or didn't end up hurting myself in a very very bad way like I was thinking of for a while. It finally scared the shit out of me, and I sought help on campus. The one session I went to helped, and I felt better. I hated my counselor, but that one session helped for some reason.
I feel like when I bring this stuff up people are just like "Oh here she goes again I wish she'd just get over it" Well ya know what, there's no getting over it. I will always ache for her, and it's everyone else that needs to get over that fact and just be supportive. Death affects people in different ways, and I'm still going through the grieving process. Deal with it bitches. I talked to my childhood best friend this morning who's grandmother died on the same day as Gram and is also buried in the same cemetery. She feels the same way I do, and I think she's the only one who can truly comprehend what I'm feeling right now. Erica and I may not talk often at all and may not have seen each other in years, but we still have a connection.
Ok. Enough for now I suppose. Rest in Peace Grammie. We love you and miss you SO SO SO SO SO SO much!!
Jennie Kantowski
February 14, 1932 - September 6, 2005
You will always be in our hearts...
Gram wasn't your typical grandmother who stands around in her apron and bakes cakes. Oh no. She was very strong willed and had a mind of her own. She was as stubborn as they come; a trait I have inherited. She did, however, spoil her grandchildren. Unofficially, or officially, however you want to look at it, I was her favorite grandchild. My cousins all resent me for this, but I could really give two shits about them really. With the exception of Dawn, Michelle, and my 2nd cousins, my cousins can go straight to hell with their druggie friends and bags of coke.
I've wanted to be a teacher my whole life, and in my sophomore year of college, I learned that Gram too wanted to be a teacher as well. Ask me again why I'm her favorite. I'm living her dream, I didn't have kids when I was a teenager, I don't do drugs. I'm making something of myself. Yes, everyone at some point in time would help Gram out and she loved us all, but there were times when you knew I was her favorite. I was closer to her than any of them combined. Call me a bitch, I don't really care.
I guess today, I'm still just questioning why. She was so young. 74 years old - the first of her other 5 sisters to pass away. I know she is in a better place, but for me, having her here is the better place. I don't care if it's selfish. Not only did I lose my grandmother a year ago, but I also was not able to participate in recruitment as a Gamma Chi; a position I was so happy to get and felt honored to do and worked so hard for so long to go through the training to just have to leave on the day of the first major event. I feel like I was cheated. Now, I watch the Gamma Chi's walk around with their coats and think of all the fun things they get to do this weekend and I get this feeling of overwhelming bitterness and almost rage mixed with mourning. I asked Gram to hold on as long as she could as I left the hospital last year. That was Sunday and she made it to Tuesday. She gave me permission to come back to school, even though I did not want to. Speaking of not wanting to come back to school, I'm lucky I even came back for spring semester last year or didn't end up hurting myself in a very very bad way like I was thinking of for a while. It finally scared the shit out of me, and I sought help on campus. The one session I went to helped, and I felt better. I hated my counselor, but that one session helped for some reason.
I feel like when I bring this stuff up people are just like "Oh here she goes again I wish she'd just get over it" Well ya know what, there's no getting over it. I will always ache for her, and it's everyone else that needs to get over that fact and just be supportive. Death affects people in different ways, and I'm still going through the grieving process. Deal with it bitches. I talked to my childhood best friend this morning who's grandmother died on the same day as Gram and is also buried in the same cemetery. She feels the same way I do, and I think she's the only one who can truly comprehend what I'm feeling right now. Erica and I may not talk often at all and may not have seen each other in years, but we still have a connection.
Ok. Enough for now I suppose. Rest in Peace Grammie. We love you and miss you SO SO SO SO SO SO much!!
Jennie Kantowski
February 14, 1932 - September 6, 2005
You will always be in our hearts...