Left behind
That's how I feel right now; Left Behind. There are SO many people I know who are getting married right now, moving in with a significant other or just happy with a significant other. Two people from high school recently got married, several others are engaged, and a friend of mine from Eastern is getting married at the end of the month. 22 doesn't feel that old until you really think about it. 22 means high school has been over for a LONG time now, college is done (for most) and we're supposed to move on. I know it was my decision to stay an extra year at EIU, which I know in the end will pay off, but I think it was more than the marketability it will give me. I think I wanted to delay going into the real world, as much as I want out of my parents' house. James and Darin are moving in at the beginning of next month which is what people our age are SUPPOSED to be doing. I know they haven't been dating long and some people may have qualms about that, but they're a good match. Better than any of James' other relationships combined, and I'm happy for them. It's just now when I come home from school for breaks and such I'll be left out here in the suburbs and be more than likely forced to take the train downtown due to James' location and job. I know that's selfish, but it's true and I'll have to take what I can get I guess.
I look around and see these girls who are 3 times my size with boyfriends. Granted, the boyfriends aren't something I would go for and are the people who I get grossed out about when they send me messages on myspace or whatever, but I think how low do my standards have to get?? I know I've talked about all this before, but I've never gotten answers, so I'm asking for them now. How much MORE do I have to change before someone takes an interest in me?? How much weight do I have to lose and when that happens how skanky do I have to dress?? I look around and see my friends happy in relationships; Dbag and Kyle (still going strong even though Dbag is in Mt. Prospect and Kyle is in Chucktown), Jori and Kurt (going on a year at the end of this month), James and Darin (moving in together), Sarah and Jake (will be engaged by the time she graduates i'm guessing). All of them are my friends and influence who I am as a person. So, if I have a little bit of each of them in me, why am I still here watching as they move on with other parts of their lives?? Why do I, when I think I find someone who's decent do they turn out to be an asshole??
I've been stuck in this rut my whole life. We're not talking like I've had relationships in the past and can reflect back on them and that's what's getting me upset because I'm in a dry spell. No. We're talking my WHOLE LIFE. My whole life I have wanted someone to love and to love me back, and not like my family and friends. Someone who's first and last thought of the day is me. James always tells me who cares and who says you have to do this by this age and so on. I agree to a certain extent. I agree that I shouldn't have the notion that I NEED to be married and have my first kid by time I'm 26 like I want to. But, I do believe that by this time in my life, 22 years old and a 5th year senior, that I should have at least been on dates and kissed a boy. The most action I've gotten is from my gynecologist. Everyone tells me oh who cares but ya know what?? I do. They're not the ones with this problem. They're not the ones feeling inferior to everyone else out there and think shit even the ugly people find love. You start to think if there's something wrong with you or if you're being punished for something you've done. This is how I feel: PUNISHED. For what, I don't know, but something. I've changed SO much in the past 4 years it's unbelievable. But I guess I'm just not one of those girls a guy will look at and be like "she's the one" and never will be.