Venting...

Feb 22, 2009 20:08

Ok so the whole James cheating on me thing is really getting to me at the moment. I just don't quite know how to cope with it yet. I care about him so much but It just eats at me at every moment with her still in our lives. I know having Michael live here that its part of the territory but its just hard to know that she still calls my house and stops by to pick Michael up and everything. Like tonight she was calling and he jokingly was going to have me answer the phone but he needs to understand that just because I put up this good front about it that I'm still not ok with it. I'm just not to that point... if I ever will be. I guess he thinks I'm ok but I'm really not. It tears me up so bad inside. I have so much on my plate right now. I'm dealing with my emotional/mental behaviors of using drugs and alcohol as a way to vent, which I know is extremely unhealthy for me, and it is so hard to get to a "normal" place with it. Dealing with getting out of jail. Dealing with me not having an direction to my life. I'm trying to find myself and I'm hidden pretty well and have been for quite a few years. I'm trying to learn who I am and what I really want out of life. Dealing with my situation with Darcy and everything. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Or what I can do about it. I don't know how to make myself be able to trust him. I want to but I just can't comprehend how someone who cares about another person betray them like that if they actually care about them. Yes people make mistakes but it is so deep that I dont see how it was a simple mistake. He knew I hated her from the get go because of him dating her right before me and that made me feel second best because a) he started dating her while me n him were getting to know each other and b) she broke up with him and from what he said in the begining that it really affected him. Then, all the things she said about me after him and I started to date made me dislike her. And now him fucking her, while I was in jail!, it makes me feel like I'm second best. It makes me feel like he would rather be with her but either she doesnt want him or that I'm more convinent since she is a proven whore. And he knows I'll be here because I love him. I just dont understand how THAT can be a mistake. I would be extremely more ok if it was someone random or anyone else other then Sam actually. I guess it where I've never cheated on someone to know how that whole process works but I figure someone who knows that pain of getting hurt in that way how they could bring it on someone that they care about in the least let alone love. I'm dealing with it extremly well considering im not going psycho and leaving or bringing it up about everything but I dont know how to ACTUALLY deal with it myself. How to get rid of the inside pain not just what my actions are about it. I dont want to sound cliche but I just wish I could comprehend how and WHY he could do it to me. Its not just the cheating thats bad enough in itself but its mostly who it was. And not only the action but now how he treats the situation. just like everything is hunky-dory and perfectly fine like it never happened. That also hurts. It makes it seem like its not a big deal to him and that makes me wonder if it was a big deal to him and whether I can believe him that it wont happen again. I want to but I built new walls and I'm trying to not have walls anymore with anyone i care about. I dont want to leave this relationship because I love him more then I ever thought I could love anyone. I want to make it so I'm not hurting. I want things to be ok. but ACTING like they are when its not isnt going to accomplish anything. its just going to send me back into my downward spiral again. I just wish instead of ignoring that it happened that he would explain to me how he feels about the situation and why he thought it was ok and why he didnt think. I just need him to show me that I can trust him not only to not do it again but to trust that he cares for me the way he says he does. He thinks that just because he is still with me shows he cares but I've put people through worse who didnt care about me and they stuck through it and later realized that they didnt care and that it was just "comfortable". I really want to know how I cna better rationalize this situation. I just want to be ok. Not just act like I'm ok.
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