Blah

[bitten16]

I am so alone in this fucked up place I call my mind. I am destined to be forever alone in the dark with no hope of escape. I have been in this state of darkness, some kind of subconscious torture chamber for years. Some days it is more intensified than others. I will never get out. I am defective. There is something seriously wrong with me, and there is no hope of fixing it. Because I just don't know what it is, exactly. People tell me there is nothing wrong with me. There must be. Or else I wouldn't feel the way I do. I feel so judged, so used, so watched and surrounded by people just waiting for me to mess up. At least I don't disappoint them. Even with this feeling that I am watched, I also feel alone. I am not truly understood by anyone. I learned this yesterday. No matter how many times I am reassured that I am loved, these people do not really know me. If they did, certainly they would run and hide. They would never look at me in the same way again. This is not some crazy theory either. I have experimented with it. I once told someone something that I never told anyone ever again, because of their reaction. They were horrified, and they now make a point of avoiding me. I want to scream until I bleed. I have screamed until I threw up before, and then I was made to stop. But I'm not going to lie. I felt better afterward. I just let go. I stopped caring for a minute. I just let myself cry and scream and throw things and scratch at my skin and just whatever to the point of puking. I hold everything inside of me, because I cannot let it out. Then I just let myself go crazy like that. It makes me feel so much better. Why do they stop me? Why am I made to calm down, to take a deep breath and get control of myself??? I am so fucked up. ~*Don't you get it by now? There is no "better". Just when I think there is, I burn, I crash and burn. Hell, at least I'm consistent*~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry if I scared you here people. I just needed to vent for a while.
xx-Kitti