Finally, a resolution.
I finally feel like I have my shit together.
It's only taken just about a year, but I can say a huge chapter in my life has come to a close.
Brandon finally said the words I have been waiting for, "I'm going to try things with her."
As silly as it sounds, I needed to hear those words. I needed for him to make the decision. I never wanted to admit I was too weak myself to walk away, but I was. Weak in the capacity of not winning.
I realized something ugly about myself in that moment. My feelings for him had long subsided, I was now in a direct competition with someone else over someone I, at the end of the day, would never be happy with in a relationship. I didn't want to lose. I've never lost.
I needed it.
I won't lie and say I'm not hurt, it's a giant shot to my ego, but when I look back at everything, I would never have been happy. I would have never had the relationship I wanted. He just isn't that guy and he never will be.
So many people had told me that time and time again, but for whatever reason, I thought everyone was wrong. They weren't.
With those seven words, I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I can let the ink finally dry on that chapter and start a new one. I was hanging around for him to make a decision, keeping a mental block up to anyone else who tried to approach me. It was like I needed this closure to start to let that block subside.
I've given a lot of thought into what makes me happy, what I really want out of life. This year has been incredible in so many ways, I've experienced things I never thought I would, met so many amazing people that are so genuine, and picked up some new hobbies. The volatility that I had this year has all been wrapped around Brandon. I have really thought about that and am in the process of shifting our friendship. I love him and always will and want us to have a friendship, but I can no longer give myself to him with the loyalty I have been for nothing in return. I cannot be that person for him anymore.
Work has been interesting as well - some drama came up, however it was all caused by my lack of effort. I just stopped caring at some point and went on autopilot. I felt the repercussions of that fairly quickly and had to make amends. Things are good now, but I got to a point where I was pondering why did I lose focus in the first place. I don't feel challenged, I don't feel too valued, I want more. I brought that up to Michele who said she'd work on helping me find a good balance.
I've given myself a year. One year and I want to be out of Dallas. Salt Lake City is the move for me. I need to be happy with where I am living, and I think that'll be a great place to start. Being somewhere that I can actually engage in activities, outdoor adventures, and have already a small friend base is ideal.
Though I know it'll take some time to get use to this new friendship with Brandon, I know it'll all work out like it is suppose to and finally, I can say I'm excited for what's to come. Big changes are in the horizon and I am ready to embrace them all with open arms.
It's only taken just about a year, but I can say a huge chapter in my life has come to a close.
Brandon finally said the words I have been waiting for, "I'm going to try things with her."
As silly as it sounds, I needed to hear those words. I needed for him to make the decision. I never wanted to admit I was too weak myself to walk away, but I was. Weak in the capacity of not winning.
I realized something ugly about myself in that moment. My feelings for him had long subsided, I was now in a direct competition with someone else over someone I, at the end of the day, would never be happy with in a relationship. I didn't want to lose. I've never lost.
I needed it.
I won't lie and say I'm not hurt, it's a giant shot to my ego, but when I look back at everything, I would never have been happy. I would have never had the relationship I wanted. He just isn't that guy and he never will be.
So many people had told me that time and time again, but for whatever reason, I thought everyone was wrong. They weren't.
With those seven words, I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I can let the ink finally dry on that chapter and start a new one. I was hanging around for him to make a decision, keeping a mental block up to anyone else who tried to approach me. It was like I needed this closure to start to let that block subside.
I've given a lot of thought into what makes me happy, what I really want out of life. This year has been incredible in so many ways, I've experienced things I never thought I would, met so many amazing people that are so genuine, and picked up some new hobbies. The volatility that I had this year has all been wrapped around Brandon. I have really thought about that and am in the process of shifting our friendship. I love him and always will and want us to have a friendship, but I can no longer give myself to him with the loyalty I have been for nothing in return. I cannot be that person for him anymore.
Work has been interesting as well - some drama came up, however it was all caused by my lack of effort. I just stopped caring at some point and went on autopilot. I felt the repercussions of that fairly quickly and had to make amends. Things are good now, but I got to a point where I was pondering why did I lose focus in the first place. I don't feel challenged, I don't feel too valued, I want more. I brought that up to Michele who said she'd work on helping me find a good balance.
I've given myself a year. One year and I want to be out of Dallas. Salt Lake City is the move for me. I need to be happy with where I am living, and I think that'll be a great place to start. Being somewhere that I can actually engage in activities, outdoor adventures, and have already a small friend base is ideal.
Though I know it'll take some time to get use to this new friendship with Brandon, I know it'll all work out like it is suppose to and finally, I can say I'm excited for what's to come. Big changes are in the horizon and I am ready to embrace them all with open arms.