It's 4:45 am and I'm sitting in the Delta terminal.
The past two months have been an emotional up and down that I hadn't experienced in a while. Sitting in the Delta terminal waiting for my 6am flight to SLC, I'm left reflecting how I ended here waiting for a solo snowboard trip. The whirlwind that was Carlos came and went. I was trying to force feelings on my end that just weren't there. He is an amazing guy who I knew would have treated me wonderfully. The problem is, there was no spark on my end unless alcohol was invovled. Wrapped up in the comments and praise from our friends, we went way too quickly into something I was unsure of. I had always had my hesitation, but it was great to remember what it's suppose to feel like for someone to care about you and only want the best for you.
A birthday party was a tipping point for several reason - Carlos and I were on the tail end of "dating", acting very affectionatly in front on Brandon for the first time. I had a great time that night, however the conversations that night brought were something else. It started with Brandon telling me he was going to try dating someone finally and I was not in support of the relationship, but happy he finally made a decision and intended to pull a trigger. Within 24 hours we were talking again, him telling me upon reflection he found himself growing more jealous and upset that I was dating Carlos, that it should be him next to me and he always knew it and was finally being honest with himself. As much I wanted to believe it, his back and forth is nauseating and I told him to talk to me in a couple of months - let those feelings set in and if he really meant it we could go from there. He kissed me that night and what I felt upset me because I felt such a comfort with it. Familiar. History.
The weeks that followed were up and down and I blame myself for it - we slept together a few times, which I kept telling myself I shouldn't do because he needed to figure things out and I knew that wouldn't help. But I was wrapped up. I tried staying rational about the situation because I was back where I was starting two years ago with him. Him between me and her. He told me how he felt about me, how it's always been me but he was never ready to take that leap with me because of where it'd go. In such a fucked up way, I understand what he is saying and I told him I need him to be totally committed and in if we try something because he would get one shot with me. His back and forth once again became too much last week and I said I needed space from him and we shouldn't hang out as much anymore. He needs to figure out what he wants and where I fit in.
In November I started on a real health journey, one that was supported by Reidland, an amazing trainer who is one of the most genuine people I have met. He is deep rooted in his Christianity and a support like that was something I benefited from greatly. He knew I wanted to change my lifestyle and provided me the tools and knowledge to do so.
I am finally starting to feel my self-worth and believing how amazing I am and what I can bring to someone's life. I attribute this change in myself to the self-care I've been putting in and that's what is making this decision easier about stepping away from Brandon. The conversation we had was me telling him as he is now, he doesn't deserve me and he knew it. I or someone like me is his future but he isn't there yet and she is his right now. It's so weird to say but I know it is true and he does too. As far as I go, I'm looking at this all as a resolution to something that has been going on for years. I am finally choosing myself and no one else. He can do what he wants to do and though it's me he wants, as he put it, he can't have me yet.
And he's right.
I am going to continue to work on myself and reach the goals I've set. Living my best life (as Cassie puts it) and if he eventually becomes the man I know he can be, maybe he'll fit in. But for now, we're friends who need some time apart and I'm okay with that.
I'm opening myself up to new adventures and new experiences and so far it has been great. Which brings me to the here and now; I'm taking a 5 day trip to SLC, staying with Amy and going snowboarding alone. I want to pick it up so badly and some time alone will be good for me.
A new adventure I have embarked on is boxing - I've been consistently learning it from a friend, Chris, for the past month and I am obsessed. It is what I need right now, the mental focus and discipline required is a level I haven't experienced in a while. Such a challenge and it keeps my brain occupied and my body is transforming into what I always knew it was capable of. It's such an amazing feeling starting to feel comfortable and proud in my own skin. It is something I have NEVER experienced and I am beginning to feel unstoppable. It's that feeling that I need to remind myself of when I feel myself starting to slip back into the bullshit that's been weighing me down.
I have big plans for myself and for the first time, I'm working toward a tangible outcome that is fueled by my own personal wants, no one else's.
The past two months have been difficult at times but so necessary in my growth process. I have come to admit and realize more about myself and I want to continue on this trend. I am growing and surrounding myself with people who will continue to build me up and support me unconditionally.
I'm excited for the next few months - this narrative is just begining.
A birthday party was a tipping point for several reason - Carlos and I were on the tail end of "dating", acting very affectionatly in front on Brandon for the first time. I had a great time that night, however the conversations that night brought were something else. It started with Brandon telling me he was going to try dating someone finally and I was not in support of the relationship, but happy he finally made a decision and intended to pull a trigger. Within 24 hours we were talking again, him telling me upon reflection he found himself growing more jealous and upset that I was dating Carlos, that it should be him next to me and he always knew it and was finally being honest with himself. As much I wanted to believe it, his back and forth is nauseating and I told him to talk to me in a couple of months - let those feelings set in and if he really meant it we could go from there. He kissed me that night and what I felt upset me because I felt such a comfort with it. Familiar. History.
The weeks that followed were up and down and I blame myself for it - we slept together a few times, which I kept telling myself I shouldn't do because he needed to figure things out and I knew that wouldn't help. But I was wrapped up. I tried staying rational about the situation because I was back where I was starting two years ago with him. Him between me and her. He told me how he felt about me, how it's always been me but he was never ready to take that leap with me because of where it'd go. In such a fucked up way, I understand what he is saying and I told him I need him to be totally committed and in if we try something because he would get one shot with me. His back and forth once again became too much last week and I said I needed space from him and we shouldn't hang out as much anymore. He needs to figure out what he wants and where I fit in.
In November I started on a real health journey, one that was supported by Reidland, an amazing trainer who is one of the most genuine people I have met. He is deep rooted in his Christianity and a support like that was something I benefited from greatly. He knew I wanted to change my lifestyle and provided me the tools and knowledge to do so.
I am finally starting to feel my self-worth and believing how amazing I am and what I can bring to someone's life. I attribute this change in myself to the self-care I've been putting in and that's what is making this decision easier about stepping away from Brandon. The conversation we had was me telling him as he is now, he doesn't deserve me and he knew it. I or someone like me is his future but he isn't there yet and she is his right now. It's so weird to say but I know it is true and he does too. As far as I go, I'm looking at this all as a resolution to something that has been going on for years. I am finally choosing myself and no one else. He can do what he wants to do and though it's me he wants, as he put it, he can't have me yet.
And he's right.
I am going to continue to work on myself and reach the goals I've set. Living my best life (as Cassie puts it) and if he eventually becomes the man I know he can be, maybe he'll fit in. But for now, we're friends who need some time apart and I'm okay with that.
I'm opening myself up to new adventures and new experiences and so far it has been great. Which brings me to the here and now; I'm taking a 5 day trip to SLC, staying with Amy and going snowboarding alone. I want to pick it up so badly and some time alone will be good for me.
A new adventure I have embarked on is boxing - I've been consistently learning it from a friend, Chris, for the past month and I am obsessed. It is what I need right now, the mental focus and discipline required is a level I haven't experienced in a while. Such a challenge and it keeps my brain occupied and my body is transforming into what I always knew it was capable of. It's such an amazing feeling starting to feel comfortable and proud in my own skin. It is something I have NEVER experienced and I am beginning to feel unstoppable. It's that feeling that I need to remind myself of when I feel myself starting to slip back into the bullshit that's been weighing me down.
I have big plans for myself and for the first time, I'm working toward a tangible outcome that is fueled by my own personal wants, no one else's.
The past two months have been difficult at times but so necessary in my growth process. I have come to admit and realize more about myself and I want to continue on this trend. I am growing and surrounding myself with people who will continue to build me up and support me unconditionally.
I'm excited for the next few months - this narrative is just begining.