Only worry about the things you can control, let everything else go.
It's been 8 months since my admission of putting others before me. It has taken me this long to actually start acting on changing that. So much has changed since that last entry, so many aspects of my life have been shaken up and we all know how much I love change...
I spent New Years in Salt Lake City with Brandon. It was so much fun, I learned to snowboard! I rang in the New Year at a house party and was asleep by 12:30, but I will admit, it was all pretty ideal. After that, it seemed like I wasn't home for a month. I was in NYC for a week with work, which was awesome, eye opening, and just interesting all around. When I got home, Brandon had started seriously looking to buy a house, which got me thinking about living alone if I wasn't with the boys. After crunching numbers, I started looking for a place as well. We both put offers in, his was for a new construction, mine was accepted and closed on April 13, 2017. He ended up backing out of his contract and renewed the lease with Dylan - I started renovations on my condo. I did a full makeover, only keeping the kitchen as it was.
As my move-out date drew closer and closer, my friendship/relationship with Brandon became strained. I felt like he was pushing me away and I couldn't figure out why. In November, I slept with someone else and felt so guilty. It was then that I realized how much I cared for him more ways than just as my best friend. I confessed to what I did and we had this long conversation about our relationship. It really ended with him saying he liked me too and he wanted to date me but knew he'd fuck it all up and he couldn't risk that - I called that a cop out and that ended that conversation.
Fast forward, we were more consistently hooking up, spending all our time together, travelling, and just sleeping with one another at night. I knew it was a bad idea, it was something that I would end up getting hurt for, but I couldn't help it. On Cinco de Mayo, we got in a dumb fight and it was just escalated by others throwing their two cents in, we ended up splitting up that night, I tried calling to which he just rejected the phone calls. That had never happened in our entire friendship, so I was really hurt. I remember going home that night, drunk, pissed off, and hurt that he would just ignore me like that. He ended up slinking into my bed early that morning, telling me he was sorry and that nothing had happened with anyone. I knew then that I was not in a good situation, but I felt trapped since I still had another 3 weeks living there. The next day after that happened, we talked and he asked me if I was happy with us, with whatever we were. I told him I wasn't unhappy, but I wanted more, but knew he wouldn't give that to me.
In mid-May, I went with him to Amangiri Resort out in Utah for his President's Club Trip and it was BEAUTIFUL. We were there 5 days and it was just this picture-perfect place. We had fancy dinners every night that were also very romantic. I was so caught up in the moment, everything that was building up back home was forgotten and we were just there together. It was such a beautiful setting and I found myself wanting to act like a couple while we were there. The disappointment I felt when he was just more focused on getting hammer was beyond words. We hooked up out there, but I remember as we finished and were laying together, with my head on his chest, I was thinking, this has to be the last time until he figures out what he wants and if that is me. I could no longer do this one foot in, one foot out thing.
Over Memorial Day Weekend, Brandon went to Italy with his family, he was gone 10 days. I moved out while he was away and it honestly felt like a breakup. It sounds so stupid to say aloud, but I really felt that at that moment, things had changed forever from what they once were.
We went skydiving this past Sunday, which was awesome, but trumped by the conversation we had on the hour-long drive up to the spot. He told me that he physical and mentally felt like he was going through a break up. I was so crushed because I didn't know what to say besides, I know what you mean, me too. We talked about our situation - I told him I didn't understand why we weren't together and that I wasn't mad about it, just hurt. Hurt that I put everything out there and he doesn't want it. I can't say I've been rejected so bluntly before, but it needed to happen. I have been so emotionally invested in someone who cannot make up their mind. He kept saying I don't know what to do with you and I am terrified of dating you on the chance that I fuck up and lose you forever.
Yesterday was difficult, I had all sorts of dreams we were no longer friends and out of one another's lives forever. I hated that so much and had a breakdown. I was crying home from work, trying to process it all, thinking of the best course of action. Do we take a full break from one another, cease all contact, and see what happens in a few months or do we just work through it as friends. I am trying the latter, because the thought of us being nothing crushes me. I went over last night for dinner and acted just as a friend would. He ended up trying to cuddle me and told me he was so conflicted because he wants to do that, but is unsure of what he really wants. He's playing head games and I can't fall for it any more. It isn't fair to me and he needs to realize that he cannot do that either.
It's all an exhausting mess I seem to have gotten myself in to, but as the title suggests, I need to focus solely on myself and let him work his own intentions out. I am actively working to erase the feeling that I need a guy in my life to be happy. I have always had someone, some guy I knew I could call upon if needed. I need to finally figure out who I am as a single girl, otherwise I will always be emotionally unavailable, wrapped up in whoever is in front of me.
I have so much going on for myself, I am a homeowner at 27, have an amazing job that I am not making the most of, friends I am letting fall to the wayside, and a family that I have ignored. What am I doing? I have lost sight of what is important and that is myself.
Should be an interesting next entry.
I spent New Years in Salt Lake City with Brandon. It was so much fun, I learned to snowboard! I rang in the New Year at a house party and was asleep by 12:30, but I will admit, it was all pretty ideal. After that, it seemed like I wasn't home for a month. I was in NYC for a week with work, which was awesome, eye opening, and just interesting all around. When I got home, Brandon had started seriously looking to buy a house, which got me thinking about living alone if I wasn't with the boys. After crunching numbers, I started looking for a place as well. We both put offers in, his was for a new construction, mine was accepted and closed on April 13, 2017. He ended up backing out of his contract and renewed the lease with Dylan - I started renovations on my condo. I did a full makeover, only keeping the kitchen as it was.
As my move-out date drew closer and closer, my friendship/relationship with Brandon became strained. I felt like he was pushing me away and I couldn't figure out why. In November, I slept with someone else and felt so guilty. It was then that I realized how much I cared for him more ways than just as my best friend. I confessed to what I did and we had this long conversation about our relationship. It really ended with him saying he liked me too and he wanted to date me but knew he'd fuck it all up and he couldn't risk that - I called that a cop out and that ended that conversation.
Fast forward, we were more consistently hooking up, spending all our time together, travelling, and just sleeping with one another at night. I knew it was a bad idea, it was something that I would end up getting hurt for, but I couldn't help it. On Cinco de Mayo, we got in a dumb fight and it was just escalated by others throwing their two cents in, we ended up splitting up that night, I tried calling to which he just rejected the phone calls. That had never happened in our entire friendship, so I was really hurt. I remember going home that night, drunk, pissed off, and hurt that he would just ignore me like that. He ended up slinking into my bed early that morning, telling me he was sorry and that nothing had happened with anyone. I knew then that I was not in a good situation, but I felt trapped since I still had another 3 weeks living there. The next day after that happened, we talked and he asked me if I was happy with us, with whatever we were. I told him I wasn't unhappy, but I wanted more, but knew he wouldn't give that to me.
In mid-May, I went with him to Amangiri Resort out in Utah for his President's Club Trip and it was BEAUTIFUL. We were there 5 days and it was just this picture-perfect place. We had fancy dinners every night that were also very romantic. I was so caught up in the moment, everything that was building up back home was forgotten and we were just there together. It was such a beautiful setting and I found myself wanting to act like a couple while we were there. The disappointment I felt when he was just more focused on getting hammer was beyond words. We hooked up out there, but I remember as we finished and were laying together, with my head on his chest, I was thinking, this has to be the last time until he figures out what he wants and if that is me. I could no longer do this one foot in, one foot out thing.
Over Memorial Day Weekend, Brandon went to Italy with his family, he was gone 10 days. I moved out while he was away and it honestly felt like a breakup. It sounds so stupid to say aloud, but I really felt that at that moment, things had changed forever from what they once were.
We went skydiving this past Sunday, which was awesome, but trumped by the conversation we had on the hour-long drive up to the spot. He told me that he physical and mentally felt like he was going through a break up. I was so crushed because I didn't know what to say besides, I know what you mean, me too. We talked about our situation - I told him I didn't understand why we weren't together and that I wasn't mad about it, just hurt. Hurt that I put everything out there and he doesn't want it. I can't say I've been rejected so bluntly before, but it needed to happen. I have been so emotionally invested in someone who cannot make up their mind. He kept saying I don't know what to do with you and I am terrified of dating you on the chance that I fuck up and lose you forever.
Yesterday was difficult, I had all sorts of dreams we were no longer friends and out of one another's lives forever. I hated that so much and had a breakdown. I was crying home from work, trying to process it all, thinking of the best course of action. Do we take a full break from one another, cease all contact, and see what happens in a few months or do we just work through it as friends. I am trying the latter, because the thought of us being nothing crushes me. I went over last night for dinner and acted just as a friend would. He ended up trying to cuddle me and told me he was so conflicted because he wants to do that, but is unsure of what he really wants. He's playing head games and I can't fall for it any more. It isn't fair to me and he needs to realize that he cannot do that either.
It's all an exhausting mess I seem to have gotten myself in to, but as the title suggests, I need to focus solely on myself and let him work his own intentions out. I am actively working to erase the feeling that I need a guy in my life to be happy. I have always had someone, some guy I knew I could call upon if needed. I need to finally figure out who I am as a single girl, otherwise I will always be emotionally unavailable, wrapped up in whoever is in front of me.
I have so much going on for myself, I am a homeowner at 27, have an amazing job that I am not making the most of, friends I am letting fall to the wayside, and a family that I have ignored. What am I doing? I have lost sight of what is important and that is myself.
Should be an interesting next entry.