im sorry

[biteyou123456]

i cant help thinking this is all kathryn's fault. i know its not. but want to blame her. i never used to get upset with him or tell him i didnt like something or stick up for myself until i saw her and dale together. theyre so happy together and they love eachother so much but if he did something she didnt like he heard about it. and if she did something he didnt like she heard about it. i never used to let chris know but it was really hurting me to take it when he yelled at me and never say anything. so after i saw them i thought hey thats how i should be and for a while he tolerated it and he let me get mad and he let my be upset. but maybe i chose the wrong things to be upset about and maybe i took it too far because im losing him. we hardly talk and when we do its never like we used to. not two weeks after he put a diamond ring on my finger he dumped me. then i cried and begged and made promises i now realize i cant keep to make him stay with me. and since he loves me he caved. he said okay and so were together. but he wont see me, he hardly talkes to me and its usually bad when we do talk. we used to talk on the phone pretty much from when i got home after school till we went to bed. and if we were together that day then whenever i got home id call and wed talk till we went to bed. hed give me big hugs and hed tell me how much he loves me and hed hold me. and sometimes when he looked at me id just know that he loves me. no question in my mind. hed just turn and hed kiss me and hed look at me so familiarly that ive never doubted him. id trust him any day with not only my life but with po's life and the rest of my family. if he tells me something even if its like soooo farfetched i just believe him with no question because hes smart and it doesnt matter if hes even right because he looks so cute when hes saying it. when he tells me something about computers or something even if i dont care i like to hear him talk...about anything i dont care i just like to see him happy and interested in something. on the phone while begging for him to stay with me i told him id never do it again...id never get mad about him going out with friends...girls...and i really shouldnt get upset about that...but i cant help it i want him all to myself because i love him so much i dont want to share. and all the time he says he wants to see me and then he changes his mind like after im all excited and everything and about to leave hell call and say dont come i dont feel like hanging out. which im sorry but i get upset i dont like it. i want to be with him forever. hes everything anybody could ever ask for. i love him with all my heart. he gave me so many chances to change. to stop doing the stuff hes told me so many times he doesnt like...just like he stopped the things that hurt my feelings. but i made promises i cant keep and i broke the big one today. and on the phone i told him if i ever do it again i wont argue if you want to break up. and the least i can do is take it like a man because i brought it upon myself and i love him so much. i just love him so much. i love his red hair, i love that when i hug him my arms juuust get around him and hes so soft and warm and the best cuddler eveand he has the softest lips and the bluest eyes and he looks so good in jeans and a button up shirt. if i could id buy him the world id buy him new guitars and id buy him the house hes living in and id move the city of Daytona right down the road so he could see his dad every day. and id fix everything and i would buy myself a new personality so i wouldnt get mad and hed be so happy which would sustain me. just knowing hes happier. but im so selfish trying to make him stay with me. if he wants to leave me, if he wants to be with every other girl in the world thats fine as long as hes happy. and if they break his heart i want to sew it back together and tell him to get up and find another to make him happy again. ive lost the best thing thats ever happened to me. but at least it happened cuz im such a better person thanks to him.
chris...i love you forever...and im sorry.