Reminiscing
I don't know how many times I'm going to go around this crazy merry-go-round of life before I decide to get off.
Today's just one of those days, you know? I feel like I'm living in a glass bubble and everything is beautiful but all it takes is a little pressure and it will smash. Psyc test, atmo test, lab test, comm test, keep your grades up, can't be late to work, when do I sleep, never enough money, working hard or hardly working...it's just never enough, you know?
I'm not sad about anything...my interpersonal relationships are great. I've got the best friends anyone could ask for...both at home and here. They are integral parts of my life and even though I know I don't have many, I'd rather have these handful of people in my life than a bunch of people I'm only semi-close to. It's weird to think of how I was in high school and I am now...like two completely different people. I know I have changed...but is that stupid Facebook Honesty Box true? Did I used to be a good person and something happened?
I don't think so. I think I'm just...or that it's just...well, I'm growing up, that always tends to make people cynical lol In high school I reveled in the fact that the most responsibility I had was when I went to work on the weekends--keeping my grades up at Westchester was a joke. It was all play and no work. I knew I was lucky and I wanted to stay a child forever...that wide-eyed girl is gone. It used to be that I greeted everyone with open arms, assuming the best in everyone and knowing that everybody had a nugget of goodness in them, I just had to coax it out. I've learned that that is not always the case...you can't expect everyone to be nice or have good intentions. People WILL, and almost consistently, let you down--it's what they do.
Old habits die hard but I'm almost afraid every time I open my mouth that I'm letting these people too close to me...their capacity to hurt me grows with every passing day. I haven't dated since I've been in college and I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me...I'm disgusted with myself at times. How did I lower my standards to allow myself to have such "flings"? That's so not me. Desperate for attention or love, hoping and praying that someone will call me beautiful and want to be close to me. I really don't feel that way anymore.
But even when I get blue, I just have to be thankful for my friends and my family, those wonderful people in my life for whom I wake up every day. I miss my daddy and my mommy and my sister and brother...hell, sometimes I even miss Linda, though I know our relationship is just one of formality now (which also saddens me). I miss Adriana and Alex and Yara and Sass and Mel and all my friends from high school...WAIS was like my family. I will never forget it.
And even though we talk all the time now, I will always be missing you.
Today's just one of those days, you know? I feel like I'm living in a glass bubble and everything is beautiful but all it takes is a little pressure and it will smash. Psyc test, atmo test, lab test, comm test, keep your grades up, can't be late to work, when do I sleep, never enough money, working hard or hardly working...it's just never enough, you know?
I'm not sad about anything...my interpersonal relationships are great. I've got the best friends anyone could ask for...both at home and here. They are integral parts of my life and even though I know I don't have many, I'd rather have these handful of people in my life than a bunch of people I'm only semi-close to. It's weird to think of how I was in high school and I am now...like two completely different people. I know I have changed...but is that stupid Facebook Honesty Box true? Did I used to be a good person and something happened?
I don't think so. I think I'm just...or that it's just...well, I'm growing up, that always tends to make people cynical lol In high school I reveled in the fact that the most responsibility I had was when I went to work on the weekends--keeping my grades up at Westchester was a joke. It was all play and no work. I knew I was lucky and I wanted to stay a child forever...that wide-eyed girl is gone. It used to be that I greeted everyone with open arms, assuming the best in everyone and knowing that everybody had a nugget of goodness in them, I just had to coax it out. I've learned that that is not always the case...you can't expect everyone to be nice or have good intentions. People WILL, and almost consistently, let you down--it's what they do.
Old habits die hard but I'm almost afraid every time I open my mouth that I'm letting these people too close to me...their capacity to hurt me grows with every passing day. I haven't dated since I've been in college and I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me...I'm disgusted with myself at times. How did I lower my standards to allow myself to have such "flings"? That's so not me. Desperate for attention or love, hoping and praying that someone will call me beautiful and want to be close to me. I really don't feel that way anymore.
But even when I get blue, I just have to be thankful for my friends and my family, those wonderful people in my life for whom I wake up every day. I miss my daddy and my mommy and my sister and brother...hell, sometimes I even miss Linda, though I know our relationship is just one of formality now (which also saddens me). I miss Adriana and Alex and Yara and Sass and Mel and all my friends from high school...WAIS was like my family. I will never forget it.
And even though we talk all the time now, I will always be missing you.