Addendum to the previous entry...

[bitemebear]

Well. Yesterday was a day of self-discovery. It was also a day of being fucked in the ear. I couldn't even take the time to write it out for you all. I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up for work in the morning and realized I had no cigarettes. This wouldn't be all that horrible in and of itself except that I had no cash, either. So I headed to the grocery store to buy smokes with a check and started off to work. I got stuck behind an accident and wound up being half an hour late to work. Work sucked and that's typical. I had to stay late and didn't even get to see Vince that night. So I stopped to read my book She's Come Undone. In my slightly weakened, exhausted state, I allowed my self to fall deeply into this book. I witnessed the tragedies and joys that were this girl's childhood, her unfortunated rise into adulthood, and her inevitable breakdown. Here I forced myself to stop. I began to feel it. The utter weight of this feeling cannot be described. It was like being whispered to by voices of everyone who ever lived. Encouraged, laughed at, scolded, frightened, confused, cheered. All these and more were done to me by something not there. Or perhaps it was my mind breaking a little to release the pressure. I drove home with tears in my eyes, unable to bear the depth of all of this. And then, out on K-10, I saw another car accident. For some reason, that made it all okay. It packaged the day up nicely for one thing. But, on the other hand, it kind of drove home the answer to all the confusion I'd been feeling. The answer was death. Which means that my quandry was life. Life! If I am to be plagued by questions and bad days and stupid coworkers in the name of developing my own personal worldview, I will accept it standing and prepared.

But not without my fucking cigarettes.