(no subject)
The last couple of weeks have been pretty good. Well, last weekend just passing. The weekend before was disastrous... my mental self went crazy.
So i guess i meant that the last week/weekend has been good for the relationship.
Everthing else has been good, too. All sunshine lolly pops, until today.
Just at work thinking, all cheery and then wham!...realizing how fucking different i am today than i was this same day, a year ago.
What i've done, seen, heard, watched, allowed, not allowed, grudged, NOT grudged, learned, not learned, ventured, stooped to, created, and in general become....just everything seems total 360. Granted, not everythings bad about it at all..hell no. But i mean, the year-ago-ashley would kick my fucking ass and i totally realised that today. The right-now ashley wants to kick my own ass, kind of.
I really think I've just become a fucking doormat, you know? (( Maybe not, could just be a moments thought! Im typing before im re-thinking what i type. ))
I used to be all fuck you, walk on someone else.
Now i just feel like a doormat, apologizing to EVERYONE about EVERYTHING and giving in and standing off...allowing people to walk on me. And i may as well be a soggy fuckin doormat, too, cause im just one emotional trainwreck, it seems.
what the hell, woman!
The things i've had done and just shrugged off, jesus fuck!
The things I'VE done and just shrugged off, jesus fuck times two!
Granted, ive promised myself to worry only about whats goin on right NOW as opposed to focusing and freaking out over the past, as i was doing...im just saying...it's crazy how things go.
And now...on the 21st, i've been with ben for a year now. And i mean, for me thats fuckin huge. Im scared, pissed, sad, happy as fuck...like, this is what made me think of the past year, mostly, cause its the easiest thing to measure how fast the last year went and pinpoint how different i've become. Especially in terms of how things are now with us and how things were. Its kind of makes me worry, about us together and about us individually...but like, yeah. I dont know, to me its just scary cause i've never been with someone this long so yeah...yowza! And as much as i dont wanna be at the beginning cause i generally like how it is now, i just wish some aspects were as they once were. Maybe not, but yeah.
I Dont know. Today just really freaked the fuck out of me and i dont know what to think, say, do with myself. I feel like im at a fork in the road, three choices....no idea where either of them leads to, but i gotta pick one before one picks me and then im doomed. But maybe not.
And i really want to go to school, but i dont want to until i know where, how much and if i have to move out.
And i really want to move out, but then i gotta get a new job.
And i really, REALLY want a new job, but i dont want to get one because i might move out, and people who've said they wanted to move out together don't really seem sure about it, if not even actually discuss it , SO i dont want to get a new job until ALL of it is figured out.
Im just really out of it today. I dont know where my head is. I dont know where it should be. Blah blah blah, wah wah, blah.
All i know is i dont know, but i want to know, but im crazy enough to not care enough to find out because im waiting on other input.
JESUS FUCK!
JESUS FUCK!
Seriously, today is like one of those movies you watch where someone's life is all dandy and they can paint a smiley face until they stop and think(and use run on sentences) and go crazy...NOT break down, cause thats not what today was about in the least!!!.....because they realise how fuckin out of whack everything seems. And MAYBE it only seems out of whack because finally something new happened in their life? But once that new thing becomes the usual, it just seems so fucking crazy. And right now i feel crazy because i have no idea what im thinking, feeling, or even typing...until, of course, i read it over again. *re-read to get back to the point*. YOu know those movies, though, right? Everythings fine, boom! insanity....they end up in a shrinks office, it's raining out ( i wasnt at a shrink, but work...and theres enough psychos there to make up atleast the waiting room in a psychiatric help building...and it is raining!)
I dont know.
I think, once again, its sleep deprevation. If you're awake long enough, of course you'll think too much or something? and go nuts. I guess. I dont know.
Mannnnn.
You all think im pyscho now.
Its okay, im not. Just for today. And every other time it happens.
So i guess i meant that the last week/weekend has been good for the relationship.
Everthing else has been good, too. All sunshine lolly pops, until today.
Just at work thinking, all cheery and then wham!...realizing how fucking different i am today than i was this same day, a year ago.
What i've done, seen, heard, watched, allowed, not allowed, grudged, NOT grudged, learned, not learned, ventured, stooped to, created, and in general become....just everything seems total 360. Granted, not everythings bad about it at all..hell no. But i mean, the year-ago-ashley would kick my fucking ass and i totally realised that today. The right-now ashley wants to kick my own ass, kind of.
I really think I've just become a fucking doormat, you know? (( Maybe not, could just be a moments thought! Im typing before im re-thinking what i type. ))
I used to be all fuck you, walk on someone else.
Now i just feel like a doormat, apologizing to EVERYONE about EVERYTHING and giving in and standing off...allowing people to walk on me. And i may as well be a soggy fuckin doormat, too, cause im just one emotional trainwreck, it seems.
what the hell, woman!
The things i've had done and just shrugged off, jesus fuck!
The things I'VE done and just shrugged off, jesus fuck times two!
Granted, ive promised myself to worry only about whats goin on right NOW as opposed to focusing and freaking out over the past, as i was doing...im just saying...it's crazy how things go.
And now...on the 21st, i've been with ben for a year now. And i mean, for me thats fuckin huge. Im scared, pissed, sad, happy as fuck...like, this is what made me think of the past year, mostly, cause its the easiest thing to measure how fast the last year went and pinpoint how different i've become. Especially in terms of how things are now with us and how things were. Its kind of makes me worry, about us together and about us individually...but like, yeah. I dont know, to me its just scary cause i've never been with someone this long so yeah...yowza! And as much as i dont wanna be at the beginning cause i generally like how it is now, i just wish some aspects were as they once were. Maybe not, but yeah.
I Dont know. Today just really freaked the fuck out of me and i dont know what to think, say, do with myself. I feel like im at a fork in the road, three choices....no idea where either of them leads to, but i gotta pick one before one picks me and then im doomed. But maybe not.
And i really want to go to school, but i dont want to until i know where, how much and if i have to move out.
And i really want to move out, but then i gotta get a new job.
And i really, REALLY want a new job, but i dont want to get one because i might move out, and people who've said they wanted to move out together don't really seem sure about it, if not even actually discuss it , SO i dont want to get a new job until ALL of it is figured out.
Im just really out of it today. I dont know where my head is. I dont know where it should be. Blah blah blah, wah wah, blah.
All i know is i dont know, but i want to know, but im crazy enough to not care enough to find out because im waiting on other input.
JESUS FUCK!
JESUS FUCK!
Seriously, today is like one of those movies you watch where someone's life is all dandy and they can paint a smiley face until they stop and think(and use run on sentences) and go crazy...NOT break down, cause thats not what today was about in the least!!!.....because they realise how fuckin out of whack everything seems. And MAYBE it only seems out of whack because finally something new happened in their life? But once that new thing becomes the usual, it just seems so fucking crazy. And right now i feel crazy because i have no idea what im thinking, feeling, or even typing...until, of course, i read it over again. *re-read to get back to the point*. YOu know those movies, though, right? Everythings fine, boom! insanity....they end up in a shrinks office, it's raining out ( i wasnt at a shrink, but work...and theres enough psychos there to make up atleast the waiting room in a psychiatric help building...and it is raining!)
I dont know.
I think, once again, its sleep deprevation. If you're awake long enough, of course you'll think too much or something? and go nuts. I guess. I dont know.
Mannnnn.
You all think im pyscho now.
Its okay, im not. Just for today. And every other time it happens.