We now return you to your regularly scheduled Bones fic
“Parker wants to be a vampire.”
“What? Booth, that’s absurd.”
“Tell me about it.”
“But vampires are not real entities. They are merely a folkloric belief created to rationalize the body’s process of decomposition by the pre-industrial societies of 18th century Southeastern Europe, and later sensationalized by John Polidori’s The Vampyre and Bram Stoker’s Dracula.”
“Um, yeah. Sure.”
“I’m guessing Parker has not read either of those works.”
“Not many eight year olds have, Bones.”
“Then where did this fascination come from?”
“He saw a rerun of this show the other day, about a girl who kills vampires.”
“Why would she do that?”
“It’s her calling. It’s something she was meant to do.”
“I don’t understand. Aside from the fact that the concept is in and of itself ridiculous, why would this cause Parker to be enamored with vampires?”
“Well, uh, the girl…she falls in love with one.”
“Oh. And Parker thinks…”
“Well, she is kind of cute.”
…
“She really falls in love with a vampire?”
“Yeah. Completely head over heels.”
“That’s highly unprofessional of her.”
“You’re kidding, right? Unprofessional?”
“Why would I be kidding? In her professional capacity as a vampire killer…”
“Slayer.”
“What?”
“Vampire slayer.”
“Oh. Well. In her professional capacity as a vampire slayer, her duty must take precedence over any personal attachment or attraction.”
“You think so, huh?”
“Of course. There’s a line, Booth.”
“A line?”
“Yes. One she can’t cross. They’re too different. I don’t understand why she would develop these feelings anyway.”
“Maybe he's the only one who gets her.”
“Yes, but a vampire, by all cultural consensus, is an unclean spirit possessing a decomposing body. This undead creature is considered to be vengeful and jealous towards the living and needs the blood of the living to sustain its body's existence. What makes this vampire different from all the ones she has killed?"
“Because he has a soul.”
“Who has a soul?”
“Hi Ange. Booth was just explaining a rather perplexing television program in which the main protagonist, whose duty in life is to rid the world of vampires, actually falls in love with one.”
“Ah, good old gypsy curse. I don’t blame the girl. Break me off a piece of tall, dark, and brooding any day. Hey…. I can’t believe I never noticed….”
“What gypsy curse?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
…
“Ange…?”
“Huh…”
“Angela, WHAT?”
“Why are you staring at Booth?”
“What? Oh, sorry. I just had a moment of complete insanity. See you guys later, forget I was ever here.”
“What was that all about?”
“Perhaps Angela was indulging in a sexual fantasy involving you.”
“No, Bones. Just…no.”
“Why not? It is no secret that she finds you attractive. In fact, there has been more than one occasion in which she’s encouraged me to….”
“Woah! Stop right there, Bones.”
“What?”
“Weren’t we talking about vampires?”
“We were discussing a television program that romanticizes them, yes.”
“It doesn’t… eh, just forget it.”
“Why?”
“Because the show isn’t the point. The point is that now my kid is walking around trying to bite people!”
…
“It’s not funny, Bones.”
“I disagree. However unsanitary it might be, I find the image rather amusing.”
“Fine. If you’re not gonna help, I’m leaving.”
“How would you like me to help?”
“I don’t know! Do that sciencey mumbo jumbo where you convince someone that something can’t possibly be real.”
“Haven’t you explained it to him?”
“Well, yeah. Of course I have, and so has Rebecca. Kid doesn’t buy it. He says there’s lots of stuff we don’t know. But he thinks that you know everything, so if you tell him, he’ll listen.”
“I can try to explain it to him if that’s what you’d like, Booth. But would you be open to another option?”
“Shoot.”
“What? Why would I shoot you again?”
“I mean, tell me your option.”
“Oh. Well, is there anything he has taken an interest in as of late that you can use to distract him from this vampire fascination? Perhaps he would enjoy aspiring to be a fireman, or…”
“Bones, you’re a genius!”
“Yes, I know. Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna go buy him that ‘Iron Man’ DVD he’s been begging for. Tony Stark is way cooler than a bloodsucker.”
“But Booth… wait… why… why would a man be made of iron?”
Fin.
“What? Booth, that’s absurd.”
“Tell me about it.”
“But vampires are not real entities. They are merely a folkloric belief created to rationalize the body’s process of decomposition by the pre-industrial societies of 18th century Southeastern Europe, and later sensationalized by John Polidori’s The Vampyre and Bram Stoker’s Dracula.”
“Um, yeah. Sure.”
“I’m guessing Parker has not read either of those works.”
“Not many eight year olds have, Bones.”
“Then where did this fascination come from?”
“He saw a rerun of this show the other day, about a girl who kills vampires.”
“Why would she do that?”
“It’s her calling. It’s something she was meant to do.”
“I don’t understand. Aside from the fact that the concept is in and of itself ridiculous, why would this cause Parker to be enamored with vampires?”
“Well, uh, the girl…she falls in love with one.”
“Oh. And Parker thinks…”
“Well, she is kind of cute.”
…
“She really falls in love with a vampire?”
“Yeah. Completely head over heels.”
“That’s highly unprofessional of her.”
“You’re kidding, right? Unprofessional?”
“Why would I be kidding? In her professional capacity as a vampire killer…”
“Slayer.”
“What?”
“Vampire slayer.”
“Oh. Well. In her professional capacity as a vampire slayer, her duty must take precedence over any personal attachment or attraction.”
“You think so, huh?”
“Of course. There’s a line, Booth.”
“A line?”
“Yes. One she can’t cross. They’re too different. I don’t understand why she would develop these feelings anyway.”
“Maybe he's the only one who gets her.”
“Yes, but a vampire, by all cultural consensus, is an unclean spirit possessing a decomposing body. This undead creature is considered to be vengeful and jealous towards the living and needs the blood of the living to sustain its body's existence. What makes this vampire different from all the ones she has killed?"
“Because he has a soul.”
“Who has a soul?”
“Hi Ange. Booth was just explaining a rather perplexing television program in which the main protagonist, whose duty in life is to rid the world of vampires, actually falls in love with one.”
“Ah, good old gypsy curse. I don’t blame the girl. Break me off a piece of tall, dark, and brooding any day. Hey…. I can’t believe I never noticed….”
“What gypsy curse?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
…
“Ange…?”
“Huh…”
“Angela, WHAT?”
“Why are you staring at Booth?”
“What? Oh, sorry. I just had a moment of complete insanity. See you guys later, forget I was ever here.”
“What was that all about?”
“Perhaps Angela was indulging in a sexual fantasy involving you.”
“No, Bones. Just…no.”
“Why not? It is no secret that she finds you attractive. In fact, there has been more than one occasion in which she’s encouraged me to….”
“Woah! Stop right there, Bones.”
“What?”
“Weren’t we talking about vampires?”
“We were discussing a television program that romanticizes them, yes.”
“It doesn’t… eh, just forget it.”
“Why?”
“Because the show isn’t the point. The point is that now my kid is walking around trying to bite people!”
…
“It’s not funny, Bones.”
“I disagree. However unsanitary it might be, I find the image rather amusing.”
“Fine. If you’re not gonna help, I’m leaving.”
“How would you like me to help?”
“I don’t know! Do that sciencey mumbo jumbo where you convince someone that something can’t possibly be real.”
“Haven’t you explained it to him?”
“Well, yeah. Of course I have, and so has Rebecca. Kid doesn’t buy it. He says there’s lots of stuff we don’t know. But he thinks that you know everything, so if you tell him, he’ll listen.”
“I can try to explain it to him if that’s what you’d like, Booth. But would you be open to another option?”
“Shoot.”
“What? Why would I shoot you again?”
“I mean, tell me your option.”
“Oh. Well, is there anything he has taken an interest in as of late that you can use to distract him from this vampire fascination? Perhaps he would enjoy aspiring to be a fireman, or…”
“Bones, you’re a genius!”
“Yes, I know. Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna go buy him that ‘Iron Man’ DVD he’s been begging for. Tony Stark is way cooler than a bloodsucker.”
“But Booth… wait… why… why would a man be made of iron?”
Fin.