(no subject)
on the bus, i couldve sworn it was all a dream, and it didnt happen to me
And then i felt the scrapes from a slippery subway grate
O how you laughed at my complete lack of grace.
But i could not recall a more perfect fall
Cause when i looked up into your eyes it didnt hurt at all
And i thought
Be still my heart, this could be a brand new start
With you
And it will be clear
If i wake up and your still here
With me, in the morning.
o god, do i wanna feel like that. Ive had so much thinking lately. With school, with trying to get a better job, with dancing, with lacrosse, and on top of all that, the thing ive made most important to me for the past year is gone, and finding that in some boy. The sad part is is that she doesnt get it. And to be honest, im done trying. I tried so hard to get her to understand, im not an easy person to get close to. And i let her in, more than anyone, and it hurt.a lot. I woke up this morning after i had a dream about her, and i couldve sworn i would cry, but i havnt in a while. Im not sure if its becaquse i have no reason to, if i am so confused about my feelings that i dont know weather to cry or laugh or if i just dont feel anything anymore.
As i sit and write, or read, or play lacrosse, or dance, or eat, or do dishes, or watch tv, i think about what happened. What he has that i dont, what i didnt do. And i dont realy believe its my fault. Im sure i did things wrong, but it was results of other things.
But either way, it doesnt matter anymore. Do i miss her? yes. Do i still love her, yes. Do i still wanna be with her?no.As much as that might hurt to admit to myself, i dont wanna be with her again. The amount of damage done to me is astonishing. Its really a peice of art. Like everything was a plot, a plan, just to break my heart continuously. I feel like a dog. Loyal and ready to make someone happy, and gets smacked around and yelled at, and come back two minutes later, ready to wag my tail and love them again. Whats wrong with me? Why did i let some high school girl have power over me? Well, its either one of a few things. Maybe she knew what she wanted so much that i felt i needed that. Maybe she was so messed up i thought i could relate to her. Maybe i thought it was something so different i needed a refreshment. Who knows why. Of all the people who have come into my life, why did i let her in? I cant say why. because i do not know. But what i do know is that if i can love somebody that much, then one day when i meet the girl who will love me that much back, it will be beautiful. She might disagree, but the amount of love i had for her i feel was a lot more than she had for me. Shes just a kid right now though, maybe she doesnt understand heartbreak and love. I dont care if she gets mad at this. I have so much resentment towards her its impossible to respect it.
Ill never forget though, that i loved her. All the times she made me laugh, and all the times i cried to her. Ill never forget though, the night i sat and cried my eyes out, telling her everything inside of my body, how much things had hurt me before, how i think about things, how i think about myself, how i deal with stuff, and i stopped to realize she had fallen asleep. It killed me. And then again whe i sat around after being told i was getting a restraining order against me, and found out she had no intention of calling me, it was just a free pass to get away from me.
I've never felt this unwanted.
So why do i bother? I dont know. i really dont.
I wanna slip on a subway grate, and look up, and fall in love with the love of my life forever. Someone who knows me, and knows what i want as well as wat i need. Someone who sees my faults and loves them as much as the stuff that she finds good about me. I wanna look at her in the eyes and tear up knowing that if i was dying, she would be crying, and want nothing more than to spend time with me. Or if i was upset, would drop things just to make sure i was alright. A girl that i can protect, and not only knows i can but wants it. A girl i can tell my feelings and not get ignored. Somebody who will call me at 3 in the morning just to say "Josh, i love you very very much." Look at me now, im tearing up just thinking about it ha ha.
And still, shes not my only problem. I have my parents breathing down my neck for everything. I have a dance crew that cant and wont get their shit together. I have over 150 dollars worth of stuff i have to pay for. I just dont know anymore
I wanna be in Savannah, 857 miles away from this godforsaken place. Desloate.Exsactly how i feel.Emotionally desolate. I can go down there away from every problem thats up here and learn about me, and maybe if it happens, find that girl, if not, whatever.
I dont know, i cant wait to leave.
And then i felt the scrapes from a slippery subway grate
O how you laughed at my complete lack of grace.
But i could not recall a more perfect fall
Cause when i looked up into your eyes it didnt hurt at all
And i thought
Be still my heart, this could be a brand new start
With you
And it will be clear
If i wake up and your still here
With me, in the morning.
o god, do i wanna feel like that. Ive had so much thinking lately. With school, with trying to get a better job, with dancing, with lacrosse, and on top of all that, the thing ive made most important to me for the past year is gone, and finding that in some boy. The sad part is is that she doesnt get it. And to be honest, im done trying. I tried so hard to get her to understand, im not an easy person to get close to. And i let her in, more than anyone, and it hurt.a lot. I woke up this morning after i had a dream about her, and i couldve sworn i would cry, but i havnt in a while. Im not sure if its becaquse i have no reason to, if i am so confused about my feelings that i dont know weather to cry or laugh or if i just dont feel anything anymore.
As i sit and write, or read, or play lacrosse, or dance, or eat, or do dishes, or watch tv, i think about what happened. What he has that i dont, what i didnt do. And i dont realy believe its my fault. Im sure i did things wrong, but it was results of other things.
But either way, it doesnt matter anymore. Do i miss her? yes. Do i still love her, yes. Do i still wanna be with her?no.As much as that might hurt to admit to myself, i dont wanna be with her again. The amount of damage done to me is astonishing. Its really a peice of art. Like everything was a plot, a plan, just to break my heart continuously. I feel like a dog. Loyal and ready to make someone happy, and gets smacked around and yelled at, and come back two minutes later, ready to wag my tail and love them again. Whats wrong with me? Why did i let some high school girl have power over me? Well, its either one of a few things. Maybe she knew what she wanted so much that i felt i needed that. Maybe she was so messed up i thought i could relate to her. Maybe i thought it was something so different i needed a refreshment. Who knows why. Of all the people who have come into my life, why did i let her in? I cant say why. because i do not know. But what i do know is that if i can love somebody that much, then one day when i meet the girl who will love me that much back, it will be beautiful. She might disagree, but the amount of love i had for her i feel was a lot more than she had for me. Shes just a kid right now though, maybe she doesnt understand heartbreak and love. I dont care if she gets mad at this. I have so much resentment towards her its impossible to respect it.
Ill never forget though, that i loved her. All the times she made me laugh, and all the times i cried to her. Ill never forget though, the night i sat and cried my eyes out, telling her everything inside of my body, how much things had hurt me before, how i think about things, how i think about myself, how i deal with stuff, and i stopped to realize she had fallen asleep. It killed me. And then again whe i sat around after being told i was getting a restraining order against me, and found out she had no intention of calling me, it was just a free pass to get away from me.
I've never felt this unwanted.
So why do i bother? I dont know. i really dont.
I wanna slip on a subway grate, and look up, and fall in love with the love of my life forever. Someone who knows me, and knows what i want as well as wat i need. Someone who sees my faults and loves them as much as the stuff that she finds good about me. I wanna look at her in the eyes and tear up knowing that if i was dying, she would be crying, and want nothing more than to spend time with me. Or if i was upset, would drop things just to make sure i was alright. A girl that i can protect, and not only knows i can but wants it. A girl i can tell my feelings and not get ignored. Somebody who will call me at 3 in the morning just to say "Josh, i love you very very much." Look at me now, im tearing up just thinking about it ha ha.
And still, shes not my only problem. I have my parents breathing down my neck for everything. I have a dance crew that cant and wont get their shit together. I have over 150 dollars worth of stuff i have to pay for. I just dont know anymore
I wanna be in Savannah, 857 miles away from this godforsaken place. Desloate.Exsactly how i feel.Emotionally desolate. I can go down there away from every problem thats up here and learn about me, and maybe if it happens, find that girl, if not, whatever.
I dont know, i cant wait to leave.