(no subject)
Title: Better when I bleed.
Rating: Not too high, but there's a warning for self-harm.
Pairing: None specifically.
Part: 11 of 13
Notes: 33k overall and taking forever and a day to beta, but I'm glad to say that it's nearly done.
Thanks: Thanks go to Sparklyfiend aka my partner in crime for beta'ing this fic... whilst writing two others with me, because apparently that's how we roll.
Steve wasn’t sure why he still had to do it - still felt the need twisting in his gut when he let things get on top of him - but as the weeks dragged on he found that he as hard as he tried he couldn’t completely break the cycle. He couldn’t just retire his blade and completely conquer the need that he had not realised controlled him so strongly. Up until that point in his life, he had never considered himself to have an addictive personality, but his failure to keep his promise to Bucky had taught him otherwise.
He completely understood that the serum had made him a stronger man physically, but he could not help but feel that maybe it made him weaker emotionally - as though it made him lose a certain amount of self-control. Before the serum, the cutting had been completely about release, about proving that he had a strength that went beyond the physical and that it didn’t matter that his body was sickly because his mind had a strength that would see him past the pain. It was about maintaining his level of self-control - or at least that is what he had told himself, repeatedly. After the serum, it had become almost cathartic - a punishment for his failings on the battlefield, in his love life, to his friends - and a painful release to remind him that he was still human, to remind him that he was the kid from Brooklyn. The same kid who Erskine had put some much faith into originally and above all a good man.
But surely, if he was trying so hard to find a connection to humanity, then it should have been made by talking to Bucky (when he had been found) or by trying to get further involved in whatever was going on between him and Peggy (she deserved better than him). Hell, even by trying to connect with Howard and whatever misplaced ideals the engineer had for him.
He could see that he was treading a tightrope, the thin line between becoming a legend and ending up in a sanatorium but he just could not stop himself. He knew that much even before Bucky had taken it upon himself to become his personal saviour (once again). But knowing that he had a problem was only half the battle, and every time he slipped up he gained another reason to punish himself.
It was an almost impossible cycle.
Howard had tried to help him and he had pushed him away. The more he thought about it, the more he appreciated what the engineer had done, but that was a feeling that came after a long time of quiet introspection. In fact, Howard had tried to avoid him for over a month following their odd encounter in his dorm and even though Steve knew that it was cruel, he had done nothing to suggest that he wanted to talk to him again for the longest time.
There was an idle wonder in his mind that maybe if he cut deep enough, he’d manage to bleed all of the stubbornness out of himself. This usually came coupled with a feeling that he’d probably bleed out before he managed to drain himself of that particular character flaw.
The truth was, he had been irrationally annoyed at the genius for telling Bucky and making everything even more difficult between him and Bucky. But actually, as time went on, he had come to see that things were probably better between them now than they had been before Howard had divulged his secret. Bucky understood his motives and that was a weight off his shoulders. Plus, he reasoned, since he had not been forced to endure any awkward conversations with Colonel Phillips or any other high ranking official, Howard much have kept his secret pretty close to home.
So Steve had somewhat forgiven Howard, even if he hadn’t told him yet.
Or at least he had forgiven Howard, right up until the moment that Bucky had let slip that the inventor had also told Peggy. The exact reason for the slip was unknown to Steve but all he heard was the confession and he remembered the terrified look on Howard’s face as he saw the fury cross his. Steve had always hated bullies, but at that moment he really could have laid into Howard (there was a reoccurring theme here). At the last moment he had found his self control and punched a wall so hard that the paintwork chipped and he could feel the bruises forming across his knuckles.
“I thought you knew that,” Bucky tried cautiously and Howard nodded enthusiastically, still keeping his distance.
“Why the hell did you think I was avoiding you? Self-preservation, my friend,” there was a slight quiver in the end of his usually confident voice and Steve could not contain his anger anymore. Losing control for the briefest of moments, he covered the distance between them faster than he knew what he was doing. As usual, though, Bucky was there to save his ass and got his body between his and the engineers, no doubt feeling the muscles shifting and pinching under his clothes. “I don’t wanna end up looking like that wall.” He eyed the wall again, and Bucky let him go. Howard’s eyes widened as he realised that Steve had no reason not to hit him. The young sergeant shot him a look that practically screamed What?! and he took a step back, shrugged slightly and motioned for Steve to continue.
“Least if he’s hitting you he ain’t hurting himself.” The words stop Steve in his tracks. Bucky Barnes - the master of manipulating Steve Rogers. He never had been - never would be - a violent man, no matter how much he sometimes took pleasure in a fight, and he’d certainly never been the one to start a fight with someone weaker than himself. The tension slid out of him and he felt his arms slacken at his side, but Howard didn’t relax.
There was an atmosphere in the room that was as thick as butter and neither Howard nor Bucky dared to say anything until he broke the silence.
“I can’t believe you told her.” He shook his head because he really could not believe that Howard would be so stupid.
“In my defence,” Howard began his reply, but only after an agreeing nod from Bucky, “I kind of thought she’d probably know...” he wrung his hands out, “I mean you... and her... and she...,” he made several crude hand gestures and actually coughed out loud.
Steve didn’t know where to go with that because he didn’t really have any experience as far as fondue was concerned. He didn’t like the idea of explaining that to Howard though because it still made him feel like even more of an oddball. He’d never really thought of Peggy like that - well, he had, he was only a man, and she was a hell of a dame... more than a dame, she was a lady- but he never really felt that he had the right to act on it, though he had an inkling that Peggy would have returned his feelings, had he only felt it right to ask.
At the heart of the matter, Steve was still a gentleman at heart, and it felt wrong to despoil Peggy’s virtue when there was the chance that he might not get to make an honest woman of her in Brooklyn. He never let his thoughts stray too far from the fact that he might never make it back to Brooklyn at all.
“Steve’s not sure he’s ready for that...,” Bucky’s answer made him want the ground to swallow him up, “... super serum and all that,” he added and saved Steve’s dignity with one comment. And even if Steve thought Bucky’s argument is pretty invalid since about the only thing that he was not shocked by in his new ripped body was the way his dick functioned, he was still really grateful to his friend for at least lightening the tension.
And when Howard looked at him he just shrugged in mild agreement.
“Well, I imagine everything’s...” the words tailed off as Howard’s eyes skipped over to the crumbling plaster on the wall once more, “... point taken.” He conceded the point and Steve remembered feeling better than he had been for a long time.
**
Howard had come to enjoy the simple pleasure he got from watching Bucky and Steve interact. It had become something that he had spent a lot of hours doing and he didn’t really know how it happened (but he still couldn’t help but feeling slightly giddy that they sometimes let him in on their little jokes).
He liked to tell himself that it was out of concern for Steve’s progress, but he knew that he was lying to himself. Ever since the night he had told Bucky Steve’s secret he had been watching them and he had come to the conclusion that he was stupid not to realise how close the two men were before Bucky had blatantly informed him. Steven had run into hell for Bucky, but it had never occurred to him that the two men were as close as any brothers he had ever met.
The whole thing really confirmed to him that his grasp on human emotion was nowhere near the realm of his grasp on mechanics. For all he was the best mechanical engineer in the country, the Super S
Despite the fact that the two men argued and cussed each other in a way he would never be able to understand, he could see that their bond was almost stupidly tight. He often wondered why he had been so unwilling to see it before, when it was so clear. Hell, even Colonel Phillips had noticed how close they were and he barely saw them outside of briefings. It was probably the fact that they could be sat across the room from each other in such meetings and still managed to make each other smile - their communication was almost telepathic. It only took one glance from green eye to blue and there was a secret smile between them.
Howard had never had that. With anyone.
Not that it mattered all that much, Howard had power and money and had been blessed with good looks and enough charm to make sure that he would never have to spend a night alone. He also had the freedom of being excused from fighting and enlisting and technically he could go home when he wanted - not like he would - which was a lot more than most of the other army grunts had going for them.
Despite his apparent dislike of all things heroic (or at least things that endangered his life), he still felt a strong sense of duty and as such he found a strange comfort in the knowledge that he had - at least - done some good whilst he was in Europe. Steve Rogers was a testament to that.
He had even given the younger man some books on basic mechanics after they had finally started speaking again. He didn’t know why he did it but he felt he owed it to the younger man. Steve had thanked him profusely for his help, and had promised to read the books but the look on Bucky’s face told him they would probably end up sat gathering dust. Not that Steve was at all stupid, but he had to keep space in his head for strategies, plans and fighting methods and so the internal workings of the combustion engine probably wouldn’t be all that much good to him.
Nevertheless, Steve had taken to speaking to him a good deal more since then. Privately, Howard thought Steve had forgiven him after that since he recognised a fellow slightly socially inept man when he saw one. Sure, Howard was better at putting on a show for the general public than the young blond but he still had a lot to learn about friendship.
Steve was probably the only other person on the base who appreciated that fact. And it was nice to see that the Captain was finally beginning to realise what everyone else had known for a long time - just how special he was.
**
Peggy had known the instant that Steve had learned of her prior knowledge of his secret. He had come to her door, his uniform pristinely presented apart from his tie which hung loosely around his neck and his top button that had been unfastened. He stood in her doorway looking at her for a long moment and managed to drag his hand through his hair a total of three times before he had begged for entrance. She stepped aside compliantly, and closed the door behind him - all sense of propriety slipping from her mind.
This conversation was not going to be about sex. This was about him and she was smart enough to realise that. If other people wanted to think differently, then, that would be their choice, it would not have been the worst thing that had been said about her. She was used to people seeing the worst in her - viewing her as a woman who slept with men to get what she wanted - why should Steve Rogers be any different? In truth, she let the rumours persist because it intimidated most men that a woman could be so overtly sexual, but she liked Steve because he wasn’t actually all that interested in sex. Or at least ways, he couldn’t articulate himself enough around her to broach the subject. It was kind of novel to have someone be so innocent around her.
By the time she had locked the door and turned around, he was sat on the edge of her bed: hands on his thighs, his shoulders hunched and his eyes downcast. For such a large man, she was surprised at how small he had managed to make himself appear. She took a couple of steps towards him before she stopped herself. For the first time she was lost for words with him. She was used to being the more articulate of the two of them, so the feeling was as alien as the situation.
“I’m sorry you didn’t hear it from me,” he said carefully, wringing out his hands with nervous apprehension. “I mean, I, uh... I mean... I didn’t want to not tell you...”
She smiled slowly and covered the distance between them in a fraction of a section so that she could capture his trembling hands
“Calm down,” she instructed with all of the authority she could muster in her small cell-like room.
“No but I, just... I guess I’m not what you expected,” he sighed heavily and she automatically dropped to the ground before him so that she was crouching between his legs, clutching his hands. And even though she tried to shush him, he was strangely talkative. “I just, I wish I wasn’t so...”
Peggy cut him off by leaning up and kissing his forehead.
“Adorable,” she kissed his left cheek, “funny,” she kissed his right cheek and placed her hands on both sides of his face, “and rather endearingly clueless?” She smiled warmly and without a beat she pressed her lips against his in the gentlest of kisses.
“Oh...” he blushed furiously and shifted awkwardly on the bed, bringing his knees together and knocking her off balance. Fortunately his reflexes were sharp and his arms curled around her, preventing her from falling too awkwardly. “Oh God, I’m really sorry...” he flailed and then pulled her upwards towards his chest and before realising his action was drawing her closer towards his crotch and almost dropping her again.
It seemed to take him an age to realise that she was laughing at him and when he did he looked at her with a confused expression. She placed her hands on his shoulders and looking him in the eye.
“Nobody’s perfect, Steve.” She said, before kissing him once again - for good luck obviously.
Part Twelve
Rating: Not too high, but there's a warning for self-harm.
Pairing: None specifically.
Part: 11 of 13
Notes: 33k overall and taking forever and a day to beta, but I'm glad to say that it's nearly done.
Thanks: Thanks go to Sparklyfiend aka my partner in crime for beta'ing this fic... whilst writing two others with me, because apparently that's how we roll.
Steve wasn’t sure why he still had to do it - still felt the need twisting in his gut when he let things get on top of him - but as the weeks dragged on he found that he as hard as he tried he couldn’t completely break the cycle. He couldn’t just retire his blade and completely conquer the need that he had not realised controlled him so strongly. Up until that point in his life, he had never considered himself to have an addictive personality, but his failure to keep his promise to Bucky had taught him otherwise.
He completely understood that the serum had made him a stronger man physically, but he could not help but feel that maybe it made him weaker emotionally - as though it made him lose a certain amount of self-control. Before the serum, the cutting had been completely about release, about proving that he had a strength that went beyond the physical and that it didn’t matter that his body was sickly because his mind had a strength that would see him past the pain. It was about maintaining his level of self-control - or at least that is what he had told himself, repeatedly. After the serum, it had become almost cathartic - a punishment for his failings on the battlefield, in his love life, to his friends - and a painful release to remind him that he was still human, to remind him that he was the kid from Brooklyn. The same kid who Erskine had put some much faith into originally and above all a good man.
But surely, if he was trying so hard to find a connection to humanity, then it should have been made by talking to Bucky (when he had been found) or by trying to get further involved in whatever was going on between him and Peggy (she deserved better than him). Hell, even by trying to connect with Howard and whatever misplaced ideals the engineer had for him.
He could see that he was treading a tightrope, the thin line between becoming a legend and ending up in a sanatorium but he just could not stop himself. He knew that much even before Bucky had taken it upon himself to become his personal saviour (once again). But knowing that he had a problem was only half the battle, and every time he slipped up he gained another reason to punish himself.
It was an almost impossible cycle.
Howard had tried to help him and he had pushed him away. The more he thought about it, the more he appreciated what the engineer had done, but that was a feeling that came after a long time of quiet introspection. In fact, Howard had tried to avoid him for over a month following their odd encounter in his dorm and even though Steve knew that it was cruel, he had done nothing to suggest that he wanted to talk to him again for the longest time.
There was an idle wonder in his mind that maybe if he cut deep enough, he’d manage to bleed all of the stubbornness out of himself. This usually came coupled with a feeling that he’d probably bleed out before he managed to drain himself of that particular character flaw.
The truth was, he had been irrationally annoyed at the genius for telling Bucky and making everything even more difficult between him and Bucky. But actually, as time went on, he had come to see that things were probably better between them now than they had been before Howard had divulged his secret. Bucky understood his motives and that was a weight off his shoulders. Plus, he reasoned, since he had not been forced to endure any awkward conversations with Colonel Phillips or any other high ranking official, Howard much have kept his secret pretty close to home.
So Steve had somewhat forgiven Howard, even if he hadn’t told him yet.
Or at least he had forgiven Howard, right up until the moment that Bucky had let slip that the inventor had also told Peggy. The exact reason for the slip was unknown to Steve but all he heard was the confession and he remembered the terrified look on Howard’s face as he saw the fury cross his. Steve had always hated bullies, but at that moment he really could have laid into Howard (there was a reoccurring theme here). At the last moment he had found his self control and punched a wall so hard that the paintwork chipped and he could feel the bruises forming across his knuckles.
“I thought you knew that,” Bucky tried cautiously and Howard nodded enthusiastically, still keeping his distance.
“Why the hell did you think I was avoiding you? Self-preservation, my friend,” there was a slight quiver in the end of his usually confident voice and Steve could not contain his anger anymore. Losing control for the briefest of moments, he covered the distance between them faster than he knew what he was doing. As usual, though, Bucky was there to save his ass and got his body between his and the engineers, no doubt feeling the muscles shifting and pinching under his clothes. “I don’t wanna end up looking like that wall.” He eyed the wall again, and Bucky let him go. Howard’s eyes widened as he realised that Steve had no reason not to hit him. The young sergeant shot him a look that practically screamed What?! and he took a step back, shrugged slightly and motioned for Steve to continue.
“Least if he’s hitting you he ain’t hurting himself.” The words stop Steve in his tracks. Bucky Barnes - the master of manipulating Steve Rogers. He never had been - never would be - a violent man, no matter how much he sometimes took pleasure in a fight, and he’d certainly never been the one to start a fight with someone weaker than himself. The tension slid out of him and he felt his arms slacken at his side, but Howard didn’t relax.
There was an atmosphere in the room that was as thick as butter and neither Howard nor Bucky dared to say anything until he broke the silence.
“I can’t believe you told her.” He shook his head because he really could not believe that Howard would be so stupid.
“In my defence,” Howard began his reply, but only after an agreeing nod from Bucky, “I kind of thought she’d probably know...” he wrung his hands out, “I mean you... and her... and she...,” he made several crude hand gestures and actually coughed out loud.
Steve didn’t know where to go with that because he didn’t really have any experience as far as fondue was concerned. He didn’t like the idea of explaining that to Howard though because it still made him feel like even more of an oddball. He’d never really thought of Peggy like that - well, he had, he was only a man, and she was a hell of a dame... more than a dame, she was a lady- but he never really felt that he had the right to act on it, though he had an inkling that Peggy would have returned his feelings, had he only felt it right to ask.
At the heart of the matter, Steve was still a gentleman at heart, and it felt wrong to despoil Peggy’s virtue when there was the chance that he might not get to make an honest woman of her in Brooklyn. He never let his thoughts stray too far from the fact that he might never make it back to Brooklyn at all.
“Steve’s not sure he’s ready for that...,” Bucky’s answer made him want the ground to swallow him up, “... super serum and all that,” he added and saved Steve’s dignity with one comment. And even if Steve thought Bucky’s argument is pretty invalid since about the only thing that he was not shocked by in his new ripped body was the way his dick functioned, he was still really grateful to his friend for at least lightening the tension.
And when Howard looked at him he just shrugged in mild agreement.
“Well, I imagine everything’s...” the words tailed off as Howard’s eyes skipped over to the crumbling plaster on the wall once more, “... point taken.” He conceded the point and Steve remembered feeling better than he had been for a long time.
**
Howard had come to enjoy the simple pleasure he got from watching Bucky and Steve interact. It had become something that he had spent a lot of hours doing and he didn’t really know how it happened (but he still couldn’t help but feeling slightly giddy that they sometimes let him in on their little jokes).
He liked to tell himself that it was out of concern for Steve’s progress, but he knew that he was lying to himself. Ever since the night he had told Bucky Steve’s secret he had been watching them and he had come to the conclusion that he was stupid not to realise how close the two men were before Bucky had blatantly informed him. Steven had run into hell for Bucky, but it had never occurred to him that the two men were as close as any brothers he had ever met.
The whole thing really confirmed to him that his grasp on human emotion was nowhere near the realm of his grasp on mechanics. For all he was the best mechanical engineer in the country, the Super S
Despite the fact that the two men argued and cussed each other in a way he would never be able to understand, he could see that their bond was almost stupidly tight. He often wondered why he had been so unwilling to see it before, when it was so clear. Hell, even Colonel Phillips had noticed how close they were and he barely saw them outside of briefings. It was probably the fact that they could be sat across the room from each other in such meetings and still managed to make each other smile - their communication was almost telepathic. It only took one glance from green eye to blue and there was a secret smile between them.
Howard had never had that. With anyone.
Not that it mattered all that much, Howard had power and money and had been blessed with good looks and enough charm to make sure that he would never have to spend a night alone. He also had the freedom of being excused from fighting and enlisting and technically he could go home when he wanted - not like he would - which was a lot more than most of the other army grunts had going for them.
Despite his apparent dislike of all things heroic (or at least things that endangered his life), he still felt a strong sense of duty and as such he found a strange comfort in the knowledge that he had - at least - done some good whilst he was in Europe. Steve Rogers was a testament to that.
He had even given the younger man some books on basic mechanics after they had finally started speaking again. He didn’t know why he did it but he felt he owed it to the younger man. Steve had thanked him profusely for his help, and had promised to read the books but the look on Bucky’s face told him they would probably end up sat gathering dust. Not that Steve was at all stupid, but he had to keep space in his head for strategies, plans and fighting methods and so the internal workings of the combustion engine probably wouldn’t be all that much good to him.
Nevertheless, Steve had taken to speaking to him a good deal more since then. Privately, Howard thought Steve had forgiven him after that since he recognised a fellow slightly socially inept man when he saw one. Sure, Howard was better at putting on a show for the general public than the young blond but he still had a lot to learn about friendship.
Steve was probably the only other person on the base who appreciated that fact. And it was nice to see that the Captain was finally beginning to realise what everyone else had known for a long time - just how special he was.
**
Peggy had known the instant that Steve had learned of her prior knowledge of his secret. He had come to her door, his uniform pristinely presented apart from his tie which hung loosely around his neck and his top button that had been unfastened. He stood in her doorway looking at her for a long moment and managed to drag his hand through his hair a total of three times before he had begged for entrance. She stepped aside compliantly, and closed the door behind him - all sense of propriety slipping from her mind.
This conversation was not going to be about sex. This was about him and she was smart enough to realise that. If other people wanted to think differently, then, that would be their choice, it would not have been the worst thing that had been said about her. She was used to people seeing the worst in her - viewing her as a woman who slept with men to get what she wanted - why should Steve Rogers be any different? In truth, she let the rumours persist because it intimidated most men that a woman could be so overtly sexual, but she liked Steve because he wasn’t actually all that interested in sex. Or at least ways, he couldn’t articulate himself enough around her to broach the subject. It was kind of novel to have someone be so innocent around her.
By the time she had locked the door and turned around, he was sat on the edge of her bed: hands on his thighs, his shoulders hunched and his eyes downcast. For such a large man, she was surprised at how small he had managed to make himself appear. She took a couple of steps towards him before she stopped herself. For the first time she was lost for words with him. She was used to being the more articulate of the two of them, so the feeling was as alien as the situation.
“I’m sorry you didn’t hear it from me,” he said carefully, wringing out his hands with nervous apprehension. “I mean, I, uh... I mean... I didn’t want to not tell you...”
She smiled slowly and covered the distance between them in a fraction of a section so that she could capture his trembling hands
“Calm down,” she instructed with all of the authority she could muster in her small cell-like room.
“No but I, just... I guess I’m not what you expected,” he sighed heavily and she automatically dropped to the ground before him so that she was crouching between his legs, clutching his hands. And even though she tried to shush him, he was strangely talkative. “I just, I wish I wasn’t so...”
Peggy cut him off by leaning up and kissing his forehead.
“Adorable,” she kissed his left cheek, “funny,” she kissed his right cheek and placed her hands on both sides of his face, “and rather endearingly clueless?” She smiled warmly and without a beat she pressed her lips against his in the gentlest of kisses.
“Oh...” he blushed furiously and shifted awkwardly on the bed, bringing his knees together and knocking her off balance. Fortunately his reflexes were sharp and his arms curled around her, preventing her from falling too awkwardly. “Oh God, I’m really sorry...” he flailed and then pulled her upwards towards his chest and before realising his action was drawing her closer towards his crotch and almost dropping her again.
It seemed to take him an age to realise that she was laughing at him and when he did he looked at her with a confused expression. She placed her hands on his shoulders and looking him in the eye.
“Nobody’s perfect, Steve.” She said, before kissing him once again - for good luck obviously.
Part Twelve