(no subject)
Thought about the whole "lesbian" thing for most of the day. I still haven't come to any conclusion about it. While I enjoy thinking about sex with men (though somewhat less nowadays), I don't enjoy actually doing it. There are two possible explanations for this 1)I have serious issues about sex and men which prevent me from enjoying sex or 2) I'm a lesbian. Until I come to a conclusion or some sort of answer, I'm going to stick with the sexual orientation I've identified as for the past 6 years (that being bisexual). However, I'm a tad reluctant to concretely define my sexuality at all, nevermind at nineteen. I'm pretty sure it's not that important to be defined but it sure feels better. Goddamn, this sucks. With Dana out of town and without the telephone numbers of a large portion of my friends, I feel cut off at a time when I could really use some one else's insight or just a person who would listen to me. God I feel like I'm thirteen again, sitting alone in my room and questioning my sexuality. What a rough time that was. I would have given my right eye for the support system of friends and family I have now. I never would have guessed I'd be going through it again. My life has turned out so differently than I thought it would. I never thought I'd make it to college. I didn't expect to live or want to live that long. My thirteen year old self sure as hell wouldn't be able to imagine living in Alabama. It's strange, despite my confusion about my identity I'm really happy where I am now. I never imagined feeling this whole or just so satisfied with things or that life could be anywhere near this good. It's a difficult idea to articulate but that doesn't really matter.