heh.
i tried to post a blog on myspace. but it wouldnt work. ill probably copy paste later.
i am seriously pissed off at everything and anything for absolutely no reason right now. i dont feel well, i haven't slept well in ages, i haven't had a day off in as long as i can remember. life is bringing me down and its bringing me down fast. i thought having a second job would make it easier to survive, just because i would have more money. i'm discovering that if i work so much i dont have time to spend the money i earn.. it's just as pointless as not having it in the first place.
i hate the way things ended up with me and matt. i believed that childhood fantasy that lasted into my twenties that we would end up together no matter what, through thick and thin, we've both said it. "No matter what." "You should be next to me always." I think we even promised we would never break up once, but what good are promises when anything you have said prior has no meaning. Our entire relationship has been built on a series of lies, or misconceptions, on both our ends,
and I am completely sick of it.
-I am sick of feeling like this.
-I am sick of crying.
-I am sick of not eating.
-I am sick of being yelled at.
-I am sick of being a shell of who I used to be. I remember back to how I was in high school and even after high school, and I was FUN. People wanted to be around me. Now I'm not so sure.
-I am sick of learning things I never wanted to know.
-I am sick of doing things for people I care for only to learn they never gave a fuck.
-I am sick of finding out people's true personalities are nothing lose to what they put out there.
-I am so tired. My body aches twenty four hours a day.
-I have had a headache for an all time record of seven days, falling asleep in pain and waking up in pain do not make for the start of a good day.
-My car is broken, again. Here goes another $600.
-I registered for school, but cant afford to pay for it because I have to pay for my car. Lovely that when I finally get my act together to go to school, I can't.
Pluses for the past few months.
+I quit smoking, pretty much. It makes me throw up to smoke now. Weird how that happened.
+I've been talking to Cortney all day and even though I was crying it was so nice to talk to someone who didn't judge me while I explained myself.
I'm pretty sure that's it.
I miss Matt so much. I miss who he was, I miss who I was. I miss what we were together before we both became monsters. I miss waking up to someone who held me even tighter the second I tried to get up. I miss cuddling for hours and kisses and hugs. I miss a happy home. He sleeps next to me and it's become a million miles away.
i am seriously pissed off at everything and anything for absolutely no reason right now. i dont feel well, i haven't slept well in ages, i haven't had a day off in as long as i can remember. life is bringing me down and its bringing me down fast. i thought having a second job would make it easier to survive, just because i would have more money. i'm discovering that if i work so much i dont have time to spend the money i earn.. it's just as pointless as not having it in the first place.
i hate the way things ended up with me and matt. i believed that childhood fantasy that lasted into my twenties that we would end up together no matter what, through thick and thin, we've both said it. "No matter what." "You should be next to me always." I think we even promised we would never break up once, but what good are promises when anything you have said prior has no meaning. Our entire relationship has been built on a series of lies, or misconceptions, on both our ends,
and I am completely sick of it.
-I am sick of feeling like this.
-I am sick of crying.
-I am sick of not eating.
-I am sick of being yelled at.
-I am sick of being a shell of who I used to be. I remember back to how I was in high school and even after high school, and I was FUN. People wanted to be around me. Now I'm not so sure.
-I am sick of learning things I never wanted to know.
-I am sick of doing things for people I care for only to learn they never gave a fuck.
-I am sick of finding out people's true personalities are nothing lose to what they put out there.
-I am so tired. My body aches twenty four hours a day.
-I have had a headache for an all time record of seven days, falling asleep in pain and waking up in pain do not make for the start of a good day.
-My car is broken, again. Here goes another $600.
-I registered for school, but cant afford to pay for it because I have to pay for my car. Lovely that when I finally get my act together to go to school, I can't.
Pluses for the past few months.
+I quit smoking, pretty much. It makes me throw up to smoke now. Weird how that happened.
+I've been talking to Cortney all day and even though I was crying it was so nice to talk to someone who didn't judge me while I explained myself.
I'm pretty sure that's it.
I miss Matt so much. I miss who he was, I miss who I was. I miss what we were together before we both became monsters. I miss waking up to someone who held me even tighter the second I tried to get up. I miss cuddling for hours and kisses and hugs. I miss a happy home. He sleeps next to me and it's become a million miles away.