Dec 02, 2005 23:43
i wish...i didnt hate myself so much. like, i really shouldn't, cuz deep down im a good kid and all, but sometimes i just cant take the fucking dumb shit i do. like tonight. im so easily persuaded and manipulated and it just fucking sucks. i just wish i could feel like someone actually cared. its like in this book i read that says, "i am alone. alone here and alone in the world. alone in my heart and alone in my mind. alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as i can remember. alone with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. alone when i wake, alone through each awful day, alone when i finally meet the blackness. i am alone in my horror. alone in my horror." i feel like there's one person in this world that can make me feel at least somewhat accepted, and that relationship is constantly being attacked and degraded, no matter how hard i try. but its not something im willing to give up. at all. ever. i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i cant face myself. all i want to do is get fucked up or run away, neither of which i can actually do. i feel like my mistakes last year are still being held against me. i don't know what i can do to make that stop. probably nothing. i can't fucking take it back. i just wish people would realize that i actually am someone of good character and that im not the bitch im made out to be. yes, ive made my mistakes. but i think they were just a little more public than other people's, and i shouldnt be ostracized for it. i really just want to climb in bed right now...take advantage of the fact that only one of my roommates is here...and just cry myself to sleep. but no...im apparently going out. whatever, i lose again. tell me how i suck at life if you want. i dont care anymore. -me